Our Adoption Story - Part 12 - Miracles

Part 1 - Infertility
Part 2 - Waiting
Part 3 - A New Goal
Part 4 - Comfort
Part 5 - Chosen
Part 6 - Charlotte
Part 7 - Expecting
Part 8 - Shopping
Part 9 - Birthday
Part 10 - Hospital
Part 11- His Will 


March 18, 2005

Exhausted, we sleep deeply. The next morning, we follow our plan. Getting my job back isn't so easy. My bosses are on vacation --- out of the country! I explain our situation to my old supervisor and give him my request about wanting to be hired back on, full-time --- and, then, be given maternity leave. I've NEVER considered cellphones a miracle in my entire life! Unfortunately, he can't get a hold of the bosses --- but, he can leave a message. I am LOVING technology!

Eli and I go back home --- and wait. We sit in front of the TV, not really watching it. We don't say much. We just wait. Finally, the phone rings! We jump. It turns out I have to go back in and explain exactly what I want from my old job, again. We head back into town. I am careful to be clear in that I won't be coming back to work after "maternity leave" in case that legally changes things. (We are so careful to do everything EXACTLY right because we don't want anything to come back and bite us in the butt at some random time in the future.) Their only request, that I work full-time for one week to make the full-time requirement legit. I can do that! He signs the employment form. Eli and I take the form to the adoption agency. It turns out Eli has spring-break next week, the week I will work full-time. He will be able to stay home with the babies that entire week! Another small miracle --- but, truly one.

Mary faxes my signed employment form to Headquarters in Salt Lake City. While she's faxing, we ask her if she'll let us know if we qualify. She tells us to just head back to Albuquerque and she'll give us a call when she knows. We obey. After a long drive and only ten minutes left to the hospital, we still haven't heard from Mary. We call her. No luck. Eli calls Brenda. She answers, but before we can ask, she is already talking, telling us she's got the babies in her backseat and to meet her in her office. Soooooo --- we qualify then? I have to ask. I cannot explain the euphoria I feel at this moment or the wonder of the miracle we are witnessing.

_________________________

At Brenda's office we see our babies dressed in sleepers that actually fit. They don't match, but, I don't care anymore! Hardly daring to believe this is real, I hold them close, breathing them in. I can't let go again. The reunion is incredible. "To good to be true for someone like me," is a repeating thought. In the meantime, we re-sign a ton of papers and I take more pictures. Brenda gets Charlotte on the phone and Eli and I sit ear-to-ear, on the love seat, with arms and hearts full; but, all are at a loss for words. We let her know we are taking the babies home with us now. We thank her again.

Yesterday, when Brenda told Charlotte that her babies didn't go home with us and that they had a plan for foster care while they found another couple, Charlotte had said, "They go home with Eli and Corinne, or they go home with me." Brenda said that without her pulling for us that way, we wouldn't be bringing them home. We are ever so grateful she stuck with us. (Another miracle.)

I can only imagine what it must have been like for Charlotte... choosing a couple to raise her babies, we believe she must have felt good about her choice, and, then, to suddenly have all she felt secure about in her adoption plan being replaced with the unknown --- by those who were suppose to be supporting her. How must that have been for her?

It's dusk now and it is a strange, but wonderful feeling to drive back home with babies in the backseat. My family is all celebrating a wedding right now. I call them to announce our good news. For some reason my brother, Rob, tells me to call the groom. I do. I tell him we're bringing our babies home. He can't talk, he's suppose to be doing the garter belt! Brothers! So, I have to call Rob back again and tell him to let the family know. I'm so happy I could burst while sharing our triumph. I am also anxious to get home. The babies are so quiet that for short moments I forget they're in the backseat. When I remember again, I get sort of an creepy feeling for having forgotten. I must have been exhausted.

At home, the house is empty, quiet. Eli's mom is working at the Albuquerque temple (she put us on the prayer roll earlier this morning). Eli's dad is working on the road tonight. When I realize we'll have the house to ourselves for the first night of being a family, I feel greedily thankful. However, soon Eli's grandma is over. Then, Eli's sister and her family show up. They love on our babies big time. This welcome home is so precious, perfect really --- it's wonderful to see their instant love and acceptance of the babies into our family. And, then I am glad we are not lone. I have to take more pictures. I believe these pictures will mean a lot to our babies someday. I want these pictures for Charlotte too. I want her too see her babies' arrival home being celebrated. However, Eli has had enough of the picture taking. I haven't taken nearly enough! But, I happy oblige, setting the camera down. It's so much more exciting to be part of this event than to be behind the camera.

Soon enough, we discover the diapers I had purchased for a newborn baby, are way too big! So are the tiny cloth diapers we made. Eli goes out to buy diapers for preemies.

When everyone goes home, and the house is quiet again, we tuck our brand-new babies in their tiny blankets and lay them side-by-side in their huge crib. Then we scoot them a little closer, so they are just touching. We stand and watch them sleep before kneeling down beside each other and offering a prayer of gratitude. We plead with our Father in Heaven to comfort Charlotte. We also know that any day she can still change her mind. This nagging bit of terror gets pushed into the back of my thoughts. We pray, perhaps a little selfishly, that she doesn't.

And that is how the first, of many, long sleepless nights began.

_____________________________

It is by many small and great miracles that Payton and Alyssa came to us. Looking back to certain events leaves no doubt in our minds that Heavenly Father's plan, from the beginning, was to place them with us. I could not bring their spirits to earth through my body, but Charlotte could. She, fortunately, had the wisdom and selflessness to trust her heart and chose to make one of the biggest sacrifices a mother can make for her unplanned baby, a plan of adoption. Charlotte wanted a mother and a father to raise her tiny babes. She recognized that her love for them was not all she hoped to give them. She desperately wanted more for them that she could give. She became our angel and will forever be part of our family. We love her and our children know that she loves them too.

Adoption is not selfish. It is the most selfless sacrifice a mother can make for her unplanned baby. It is a dream come true for the hopeful couple she chooses; and, gives her baby a stable, loving family and promising future. Adoption, however tragic it can seem, is a beautiful way to make things right again. Adoption blesses me daily through the joys of motherhood, a gift of which I will be eternally grateful for.

6 YEARS!!! We brought our babies home 6 years ago tonight! I LOVE being Mommy!






Our Adoption Story - Part 13 - Photos

Our Adoption Story - Part 11 - His Will

Today was an exciting morning for the kids. They found leprechaun footprints across the living room rug! I encouraged the kids to hurry and get ready for school so we could start looking for the treasure that he surely left somewhere in the house. The rule in our house is that you have to be dressed and have your bed made before you can get on the bus --- otherwise we get to walk. (I like walking with them.) Alyssa's room was a disaster! I helped her as much as I could while I also dressed Payton, showered myself, prepared breakfast and had individual morning prayer with each. In the meantime --- Payton wouldn't get his few items in his room put away because he kept searching for treasure. "There's no gold downstairs!" Arrrgh! (Ok, I'll admit, that was really funny!) So, although the kids got their stuff done, it was just as the bus pulled up. Oh, well. I guess we'll try the hunt when they get home. So, now I'm off to the store to find corned-beef and cabbage for tonight's Irish meal. (Maybe I'll pick up some green Jell-O, too.)

I also decided to put this post up early today because I didn't get it up yesterday. But, it works out better this way (it's more the time frame that things really happened six years ago.) Tomorrow's post will finish Our Adoption Story.

Part 1 - Infertility
Part 2 - Waiting
Part 3 - A New Goal
Part 4 - Comfort
Part 5 - Chosen
Part 6 - Charlotte
Part 7 - Expecting
Part 8 - Shopping
Part 9 - Birthday 
Part 10 - Hospital


March 16 and 17, 2005 (The two days that blended together.)

Arising early to go back to my babies, we are interrupted by the adoption agency's call. They asks us to meet them in their office. We drive there, but, somehow we end up talking to them in the parking lot with our ears both on my cell. They say, "One of you needs to have steady employment." I remind them about the income from our rental and assure them that we both have work. Eli works part-time doing work-study at the college. I can work part-time from home. We have separate money saved for the adoption. (We even got a small loan as a financial cushion --- for just-in-case.) They say, "It has to be a full-time job." They say, "The babies need medical insurance." I tell them about my visits to the Medicare office and the result. They tell us, "The babies can't leave the hospital without being insured." They tell us that we need to be insured. They ask if one of us can get a full-time job. My last job had asked me a few times to become a full-time employer. I was sure I could get hired back on full-time. Eli didn't want to start our family with me working and him at school. He feels very strongly about not bringing our babies home to a babysitter. We should be home with them. I agree, but, me working won't be permanent. Even if I did go to work, we'd still have the "insurance" problem. They say that if we, now, filled out an application for adoption with them, we wouldn't even qualify. I understood that everything had been updated and was in order! But, they have their rules. What about God's rules? He's the one in charge! We are so frustrated. I am physically upset. Every solution only brings another problem. They will NOT work with us. They can't work with us.

Finally, understanding comes --- they have no intention of letting us take the babies home. We hang up and pull into the parking lot behind their office. Oh, the excruciating PAIN inside my chest! The deep darkness swallowing me again. We cry like we have never cried before. I feel myself detaching from reality. After a while, we begin our long and painful drive home. We LEAVE OUR BABIES! I weekly remind myself that I don't want to miss my little brother's wedding. I need a new goal to focus on right now and it was to get there. It's a pitiful goal, because all I can think about is how we are turning our backs on the most incredible opportunity. I STILL WANT TO FIGHT! How am I going to put the pieces of my life (work, school, just living) back together again when I get home? I have no desire to move on. I feel so heavy.

But, what can I do? I plead in a silent prayer. I can't fight for them on my own. Eli has to want to fight, too. I had been so sure we would bring them home. Why? What was that whisper for? Must we try again? I think Eli's emotionally spent, he's done trying. But, I would try again... and again, and again! Just not now. All I can do now is put it in the Lord's hands. And suddenly I truly understand the significance of these words. We have done all we can do, if it is His will, He will help us with the rest! Surely, if they are meant to be ours, only HE can make it happen. Thy will be done --- not mine! I believe this. I know HE can make it happen if this is what should happen --- despite the reality of our situation. But, He might not.... Still, I take comfort knowing that it is God who is in charge, after all. Please, just let those babies go where You want them to be, where they will be deeply loved and cherished and brought up right.

Through tears, Eli says he's sorry. For what!?!? He says it's his fault because he didn't take school serious enough when we first got married and he kept dropping out of his classes and it brought us to the point of not bringing home the babies. But, he is going to school NOW! And there are 3 big companies wanting to hire him when he graduates in 4 weeks! No, it isn't his fault! From time to time we have to pull over because the tears get too heavy to see through. We cry until we can move on again.

___________________________

Entering the house, I see a large vase of white roses. Those were meant for a new mother and the reality that I am not a new mother hurts. I am trying, trying so hard, to hold the tears back. Through water-filled eyes, I sight the postcard that announces my acceptance into the nursing program. Today is the last day to accept my spot. I should get on that. But, I can't. I go to my room and cry instead.

Eli and I both request a priesthood blessing to get through this. Our bishop, who also has been doing all he can do to help the adoption go through, comes over. He and Eli's dad give Eli a priesthood blessing. He is counseled to not give up without exploring every option. That, and hoping Eli will heed that counsel is all I remember. The bishop keeps telling us, "There is Headquarter's way and then there's the Lord's way." I couldn't agree more --- those have been my thoughts exactly. My sister calls and suggests I go back to work full-time and take maternity leave. It might work... I don't understand "maternity leave" rules exactly, but I could find out. Eli's mom has been working with a cousin to see what he can do for us about catastrophic insurance. We schedule to meet with him in the morning.

We set up a plan-of-action for the next morning. I don't remember the exact order anymore, but it goes something like: Sign paperwork for Medicare for babies (thanks to my mother-in-law and the man in charge there). Sign paperwork for catastrophic insurance for us (thanks again to my mother-in-law). See about getting a full-time job with maternity leave (thanks to my sister's inspiration). We'll go back into town one more time if necessary. If we still aren't getting anywhere, we have to let go. We'll miss my brother's wedding, but I'll regret not doing everything possible to bring my babies home.

Charlotte had planned on a natural birth. Because baby girl didn't turn, she had had a c-section. Because of that, she had 4 days in the hospital to recover. So, the babies had 4 days in the hospital as well. That bought us time. (Another miracle?) Tomorrow, however, that time will be up.


Part 12 - Miracles

Leprechaun's Treasure Hunt

I grew up with a love for treasure hunts. My older brother is the BEST treasure hunt maker! His are a real challenge. His treasure hunts don't have a lot of clues, but the ones he creates are HARD. I have tried to race my 2 sisters to the end before, but, I can't remember who won. All I remember is spending DAYS sometimes, trying to break codes without a key. It was hard and frustrating, so, when I did break them --- I was ecstatic!

My homemade treasure hunt isn't nearly so tricky (my hunters are only 6); but, it's not a piece of cake either. Hopefully, it will last a good hour or two. And, hopefully, it won't be too discouraging if they prefer something a little more fast paced. If your kids are up for a bit o'challenge --- mine might do the trick!

I've never gone out of my way to celebrate St. Patrick's Day other than to make sure I have some visible green on me somewhere. (Once, when I was little and not wearing green, my older brother had me so worried about getting pinched that when I went outside to ride my tricycle, I REALLY thought I was getting pinched!!!) I also happened to celebrate it twice with a friend and I remember her mom made green Jell-O and green punch. We probably had green beans too. We watched that leprechaun movie. A few years later I celebrated again with her and didn't even realize it was St. Patrick's Day until dinner rolled around and we were eating green Jell-O and drinking green punch again. We even watched that leprechaun movie again! I thought it was so neat that this was their tradition and I got to be part of it! How cool is that?

Eli's mom makes corned beef and cabbage. The recipes I have found haven't turned out all that wonderful, not that they were bad. It just seems like I've had better. Maybe it's because I always look for a crock-pot recipe. Perhaps you have something better you could share with me this year?

This year, I've created a treasure hunt for my kids, but I don't mind sharing it. A good friend inspired me to celebrate this boring green holiday before she moved away. So, this year I am going to cut out my own little green leprechaun feet. Instead of them leading to a treasure right off, it will lead them to the first clue in a tricky "Leprechaun Treasure Hunt" with fun activities and snacks along the way, and a Pot-O-Gold at the end of a homemade rainbow. I hope my two are up for a bit o'challenge. We'll begin it first thing in the morning and finish it after they get back home from school.

For those who are interested in giving my Leprechaun Treasure Hunt a try, here it is. (If you would like a .pdf of the hunt, leave your email address in the comments. I will be happy to sent it to you.)

*You will build a rainbow that looks like the one above with the clues, the colored circles lay on top of each other with the largest (red) on the bottom and the smallest (purple) on the top. The round decoder (small white circle) goes centered on the very top (I forgot to mention that part in Clue #8). Once those are stacked, make sure to turn each circle so that the shamrocks line up (on the right side). Finish with the "cloud" on the very top. Then, fold the whole thing in half along the shamrocks. Hold it up to a mirror to read the final clue, it will take you to the treasure "at the end of the rainbow" (Pair of Boots). Hope this helps!

Instructions & other info. --- Print on WHITE

Clue #1 (front) --- Print on WHITE

Clue #1 (back) --- Print on WHITE

Clue #2 (front) --- Print on RED

Clue #2 (back) --- Print on RED

Clue #3 (back) --- Print on ORANGE

Clue #3 (front) --- Print on ORANGE *WHOOPS! On 6 across I blacked in the last box. It's suppose to fit "clover."

Clue #4 (front) --- Print on YELLOW

Clue #4 (front) --- Print on YELLOW

Clue #5 (back) --- Print on GREEN

Clue #5 (front) --- Print on GREEN *WHOOPS! I didn't get "mold" into the word search. This clue is too hard for young kids, it's even tricky for adults. Sorry about that. (Next year's will be a little easier.)

Clue #6 (back) --- Print on BLUE

Clue #6 (front) --- Print on BLUE

Clue #7 (front) --- Print on PURPLE

Clue #7 (back) --- Print on PURPLE

Clue #8 (coin insert) --- Print on GOLD --- compass directions go with Clue #2

Clue #8 (pot envelope) --- Print on GREEN or WHITE

(leprechaun footprints) --- Print on GREEN (as many as you need)

EXTRA (compass directions) --- Print on GOLD or GREEN

Our Adoption Story - Part 10 - Hospital

Part 1 - Infertility
Part 2 - Waiting
Part 3 - A New Goal
Part 4 - Comfort
Part 5 - Chosen
Part 6 - Charlotte
Part 7 - Expecting
Part 8 - Shopping
Part 9 - Birthday


March 15, 2005

The next morning we quickly shower, dress and eat. Eli finishes installing the car seats. I take pictures of everything for our babies to look back on when we tell them the story of this day. My picture taking is driving Eli nuts --- but, I feel compelled.

We previously purchased a heart-shaped locket for this day, for Charlotte to put pictures of her babies in, if she wants too. On our way out we stop at the town's flower shop. It feels so lame to pick out a bouquet for someone who is giving us so much more. I want it to be beautiful and something she can look at and maybe feel something good, perhaps a bit of our love for her. Not too big, not to fancy, but something special. I guess I don't really know what to get her that would express our gratitude. Finally, we choose a simple spring bouquet. It somehow seems fitting. I hope it is.

I hold the bouquet the entire long drive. My feelings about the flowers go back and forth. I am so anxious. Finally, we get there. Just through the hospital doors we meet Brenda, Charlotte's facilitator. (She is helping Charlotte through her adoption plan.) We follow her into an elevator and go up a few levels. As the elevator slows to a stop, the knots in my stomach tighten. Soon, we enter Charlotte's room. It's an awkward greeting. We must have given her the flowers. Two  nurses roll the babies in. But, we have arrived too early. She wants her babies baptized first. Baptized!?!? I don't! (Of course, I don't say so.) We exit the room and wait. Being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we are taught babies are born innocent and I believe it! If they die before the age of accountability (8 years old) then they return straight back to live with our Heavenly Father. But, my faith is not hers. And they are not my babies --- yet. And, anyway, an infant baptism won't count for anything in my faith. As we wait, I calm myself, but, they don't baptize the babies. I don't know why not exactly, but I, secretly, am relieved.

Back in Charlotte's room, we get to hold them. I am afraid we are holding her babies too long, but we keep holding them. They are so beautiful and so tiny! Charlotte shows us pictures of the night before with her other two sons, Jesse (21) and Phillipe (19?), loving on them and saying good-bye to their precious new siblings. I decide it was good we didn't disturb that last night. (Thank you Eli for keeping us home!) Now, we get to take the pictures. But, this time, I hate taking the pictures --- I take them only because I still feel compelled. I want our babies to see this day. I want them to know it is a happy day for us. Charlotte asks to have both babies. I take a picture of her holding the two, not realizing what she is preparing to do. It's a beautiful picture. (This is the picture that will begin their baby album.) She then places her baby girl in Eli's arms and her baby boy in mine. I take more pictures as the meaning of what she just did sinks in.

A nurse comes in and we have to lay the babies back in their roll-away cribs. We start leaving too. I panic! I didn't say what I wanted to say! What did I want to say? I didn't know. I couldn't think. I check with Eli to confirm that this is the end of our visit. He nods. I looked back and see a tear stream down Charlotte's cheek. I want to run to her. Give her some sort of comfort that I can not give. We are leaving with her babies! Following the babies back to the nursery, I force those unpleasant feelings out of my mind. Wouldn't she want me to be happy? She made me their mother! My anxiety dispels with joy.

_______________________

(The rest of the week is a fuzzy memory. Some events may be slightly out of order, in fact, a whole day seems to have gone missing! The following is told the best I can remember it.)

We must have gone back out for the car seats because a nurse present us with the babies' tiny footprints and I set those memorabilia inside one of those. Both babies have the same flat foot. Inside the nursery, I first remember pulling out the little newborn-size gown my mother-in-law bought for the first baby girl (the first one we were going to adopt but didn't). It's long and white with pink trim and tiny pink flowers on the bodice --- it's beautiful. It's also way too big for her. In fact, everything I brought is too big --- except one little pink headband. I dress her in the gown anyway, because I have nothing better for her. Then, I am suppose to change her diaper with Eli and the nurse watching. She is so tiny with only a round rump --- no bum cheeks! My husband is so nervous for me that it seems to become an impossible task. But, I do it --- ever so carefully. Once accomplished, a nurse shows us the tiny milk bottles and lets us know how much they drink. The nurses already have them on a schedule. Baby boy eats first. 1/2 hour later, baby girl eats. They will need to be fed every 3 hours. I feel terribly guilty I can not give them mother's milk.

In the meantime, we are given forms to write their names on. Eli writes my middle name down for our girl and Charlotte for her middle name. Payton is a name Eli and I found in a baby name book (since he won't go for Joshua). I really wanted Ezekiel or, maybe, Andrew, instead. Eli asks me for the boy's name. I am to choose his? But, how can I choose on the spot? So, I choose the one we had picked together, Payton and Job after Eli's middle name. They are named now. But I can't seem to call them by the names we chose. I find myself calling my boy, Little Mister, instead.

A nurse sends us to a section of the nursery where we can be alone with the babies. We hold and rock them while admiring their newness. They feel like nothing and bundled in a blanket they look much too small. I can't get enough of their baby smell. There hair is feathery soft black with gentle waves. I am fascinated with Alyssa's crinkled and almost pointed ears. She is so beautiful --- like a little princess.

As I feed, change and rock my helpless babies over and over, a feeling of great responsibility overcomes me. I begin to see how these simple little tasks of love are never-ending and will become my life for months on end. I am already beginning to tire --- yet, I desire and welcome these feelings as a blessing from God. However, I do feel so ignorant and unqualified and I wish for my own mother to take my hand and give me step-by-step instructions. Knowing that other new mother's have started parenthood with little to no experience encourages me.

I hold my baby boy out in front of me. He opens his eyes and seems to take me in. As I stare back into his eyes, I make promises to do my best at being a good mom for him and his sister. I do want so badly to be good enough for them. It feels like we are speaking to each other's souls through our eyes. I feel a deep, deep love for them begin to grow inside of me. Eli tells of a similar experience he has while holding Alyssa.

We wait and wait and wait for them to release our babies from the hospital. A nurse tell us we can take a break whenever we want. We wait for the babies to go to sleep. But we can't break away from them.

__________________________________

Hours later, Brenda comes back. She says she needs to meet with us. Then, maybe we can go. We leave the twins nestled together in one little crib to visit with Brenda in an empty waiting room. She asks us about a 20-hours program we needed to have done. Since we aren't doing foster care, we thought it didn't need to be done. We frantically rack our brain for any type of parent training we have received over the past year. Fortunately, we have done several hours in our 20-hours workbook. It is easy for me to come up with more than 20 hours because of other books I have read. She gives Eli a new 20-hours workbook to work on.

We learn, through her, that LDS Family Services' Headquarters will not release the babies to us tonight. We decide to check into a motel before going back to our babies. It's hard leaving them at the hospital. We must have grabbed a bite for dinner. After we check into a motel we get a phone call. That's when the nightmare begins.

Somehow, we find ourselves talking with Brenda in her office. She asks us on a scale of 1 - 10 how upset we would be if we didn't bring home the babies. How can you measure that? 10? No, not 10. 20? "30! maybe 100," I respond. She says stuff about other children needing a home. But in my heart I know there won't be another time. My heart can't take anymore of this, at least, not anytime soon. We take our dispair back to the motel.

This just can't be right! I feel so let down. We thought that the adoption was good-to-go. We've had 2 adoption facilitators helping us get everything in order. Now, headquarters is telling us that there are plenty of couples ready to take these babies home now. They say our babies will go into foster care and then to another couple. How can they be so cruel! Why won't they work WITH us! They brought us here! I poor my heart into a letter to Headquarters about our desire to adopt, our entire financial situation (which seems to be the problem), including what we have in our mortgage, and how much I desire to be these babies' mom --- but it doesn't do a bit of good. In the meantime, Eli's mom is back at home doing what she can about the Medicare issue. I just want to go back and hold the babies, but, there's just too much stuff to be doing while my heart is breaking.

Part 11 - His Will

Our Adoption Story - Part 9 - Birthday

Part 1 - Infertility
Part 2 - Waiting
Part 3 - A New Goal
Part 4 - Comfort
Part 5 - Chosen
Part 6 - Charlotte
Part 7 - Expecting
Part 8 - Shopping


Shopping for car seats is the worse. I work all day, then, spend my entire evening looking for the perfect infant car seats. Determined to find something tonight, I shop every store in the city, some of them twice. I am not excited about my choices, but, I finally choose a matching pair. In the morning, I try installing the seats. That evening, I insist Eli do the installing. I read and reread the instructions to make sure my poor husband does it exactly right.

March 14, 2005

Monday, I put in a full day at work and as I am finishing up the receptionist informs me that I have a call on line 1. I answer. My babies have been born --- 4 weeks early! They are healthy and all are doing well. I am confused because we were suppose to be called when she went to the hospital to deliver and I am so disappointed that I didn't know earlier. "Why?" But, I am too busing trying to find a scrap paper to jot down the rambled off details to ask. The boy was born first, he's just over 6 pounds, and, the baby girl, born 3 minutes later, weighs just under 6 pounds. I announce it to my coworkers and tell them good-bye. I won't be coming back. I'M A MOM! I drive home to get Eli and grab my little baby bag. Then, we'll be off to the hospital --- I can't wait to see them!

But... Eli wants to find new car seats. He doesn't care much for the ones I found. Fine! Let's go get some. We look and look and look. Oh, I am anxious to leave and don't want to be pushy --- but we are looking at all the same ones I have already looked at! Finally, he decides on a pair of matching, over-priced, Winnie-the-Pooh carriers. We go back home to install them. At home, we get a phone message telling us that they are waiting to see if the little girl will turn before they do a c-section. It seems kind of weird to me because we have already been told they are born. (It occurs to me now, as I write this, that the message must have been left earlier in the day.) The seats don't install quickly. It's getting late much too fast. WHY CAN'T WE JUST LEAVE! I can't stand this waiting! Finally, Eli tells me we're NOT going tonight. NOT GOING TONIGHT?!?! These are our babies! I want to scream, but, I don't want to fight, so I relent. We'll do it his way. As I change my focus and take a few deep breaths, I realize it has gotten really late. I certainly don't want to bother Charlotte at midnight. (Oh, how I do want to peek through the nursery windows though.)

My little brother will be getting married on Friday. I make arrangements to make it to that. Our sister-in-law will watch our babies while we are in the temple. (It turns out we need special permission from LDS Family Services to take the babies out of the state. So, we get that.) I try to pack a suitcase for the babies, but, there are so many extra little details to worry about now, and, since the adrenaline rush earlier --- I am tired! My mother-in-law will finish packing for the wedding part of the trip. However,m Eli does not want to travel with band-new babies. Me, I can't wait to show them off.

Part 10 - Hospital

Our Adoption Story - Part 8 - Shopping

I'm on vacation and won't be able to post tomorrow (Sunday) so I am combining two post for tonight. (I will continue my story on Monday.) Reading and remenising over these crazy couple weeks 6 years ago, just makes me happy tonight --- I just reread, edited again, and found myself smiling. I hope you will be too. : )


Part 1 - Infertility
Part 2 - Waiting
Part 3 - A New Goal
Part 4 - Comfort
Part 5 - Chosen
Part 6 - Charlotte
Part 7 - Expecting


February

One day, and months too early, Charlotte begins to have contractions. She is given some medication to stop those and to help develop the babies lungs more quickly. It works. But, the next time she goes into labor, they will deliver the babies. That could be any day. Finally, we pull the crib out from the very back of our storage unit and rearrange our room to fit it in..

I also go to to the Medicare office a few times to apply for the babies health insurance, but they keep telling me that the babies have to be born first. There doesn't seem to be anymore I can do to change that. As much as I don't want to leave it unresolved, I do.


March

I am restless. To help pass time, and against Eli's wishes, I go shopping --- I HAVE too! All these adorable tiny outfits are irresistible. But, I still don't know whether to buy for boys, girls or one of each. I look and look, but neutral isn't what I want to bring our babies home in. I decide again that I just need to wait.

I send in another unanswered request to know the babies' gender. I go over my little bag of essentials (formula, bottles, bibs, pacifiers, diapers, wipes...) for the hundredth time. I want to leave when we are called, not trying to pull together the perfect little items at the last minute. I begin sewing tiny little yellow cloth diapers. (My mom is a great seamstress --- NOT me, but I find myself associating sewing with being a good mother.) I choose and order a waterproof material for the outside of the diapers, so I will have to save the rest of the sewing until it arrives. But, I come home from work to see that my good mother-in-law has taken to finishing the diapers for me. With the seams already sewn shut, I don't know how to sew the new material on. I know she means well, but I take my frustrated, ungrateful self to my room. A couple days later the waterproof material comes in the mail.

I still need to buy something for the babies to wear home from the hospital. This shopping trip I am resolute to find and buy something! Shopping for my babies is suppose to be fun and I do wish Eli would share this time with me. But, he still doesn't want to buy anything, not until we bring the babies home. I can't wait that long, my babies will wear something new, adorable, and matching home from the hospital --- because, that's how me, as a mother-to-be, wants to record bringing my precious babies home. That's how I want to show them off in our photo album and in emails. Our budget makes this trip stressful, at one point I'm tempted to throw a tantrum right in the middle of the Wal-Mart baby department. Finally, deciding against neutral, and choosing a few extra outfits of each gender, actually makes the shopping experience pleasant. I spend too much money --- but, I tell myself, it's ok because I'll be bringing half of it back --- to exchange for diapers and formula. I feel a little better prepared.

A couple days later I learn we are expecting a boy and a girl!


Part 9 - Birthday

Our Adoption Story - Part 7 - Expecting

Part 1 - Infertility
Part 2 - Waiting
Part 3 - A New Goal
Part 4 - Comfort
Part 5 - Chosen
Part 6 - Charlotte

2005

This time, we feel very apprehensive and we decide not to tell anyone --- yet. Then, my sister-in-law announces she is pregnant and I can't help but share our good news with her and her mom. Otherwise, I don't really talk about it again until Christmas because Eli and I visit my family for the holidays. How can I not tell my family about the overwhelming excitement we are trying to endure?

January 6

On the big day, we choose a bouquet and meet the birth mother in the Albuquerque office. She is a Spanish lady, petite with a round tummy. Those could be our babies inside! Because of her circumstance, she will not be able to care for her babies in the way she wants. I can tell she carries a deep love for them. Her hope and desire is to give them more. Give them what she can not. She says, "I choose you. ... I am not going to change my mind." The exact words we heard only months earlier. Alarm bells are going off inside like crazy. I try to show excitement. I AM excited! But I am really scared, too. I can't internalize any of this. I want to know it is real first, but that will take more time and our meeting is NOW.

I cannot image dealing with the perdicament she is in. She is an incredibly unselfish woman to be able to recognize that adoption can give her babies a better life, and then, move forward with that decision. We want to give her babies all she hopes for them and more. If she does maintain her decision to place her babies, we pray that we will get that opportunity to raise them.

I make myself enroll in the spring semester, just in case the adoption falls through again. I enjoy all my classes. I study hard, but I'm very distracted. I can no longer help but be overly excited. One by one, I drop my classes again. How am I ever going to get through school this way? I do manage to take a test to see if I can get into the nursing program next year. I pick up more freelance work too.

Part 8 - Shopping

Our Adoption Story - Part 6 - Charlotte

Part 1 - Infertility
Part 2 - Waiting
Part 3 - A New Goal
Part 4 - Comfort
Part 5 - Chosen


November 2004

One afternoon, home alone and wandering aimlessly with an intense yearning to mother, my cell rings. It feels dreamlike in that I already seem to know what it's about. On the other line, Mary asks if we would be interested in adopting twins. YES! I want to scream this because Eli and I had already discussed this very topic --- years ago! I don't have to check with Eli, I don't have to say, "I'll have to get back with you." I am flying high. But she brings me back down to earth, adding, "We just want to update your application because Mike said you had expressed interest in sibling adoptions in the past." Oh. True. Ok. Good-bye. In the back of my mind I just know something has to be up. I'm ever hopeful. I constantly remind myself that they'll let us know if this something needs our involvement. I decide not to tell Eli --- yet. No need getting his hopes up too if nothing comes of it. Besides, was this too soon? It wasn't very long ago when my little girl had been born and gone home with someone else.

December 15, 2004

Only few weeks later, a birth mother expecting twins requests to meet us! She has a letter for us at the LDS Family Services office and would we come get it? When we arrive, Mary hands us a fax with a short handwritten letter. It tells of her gifts for us. It's almost Christmastime, so I think that that is an appropriate way of putting it. I'm filled with excitement, and caution. I wish the happiness would burst from me because I can't get it out! We won't meet her until January 6 --- but, I want to jump back in the car and meet her NOW! The letter is signed, Charlotte. I turn to Eli and say, "I like her name." He nods.


Part 7 - Expecting

Our Adoption Story - Part 5 - Chosen

Part 1 - Infertility
Part 2 - Waiting
Part 3 - A New Goal
Part 4 - Comfort


August 2004

Fall semester begins. Some days, while it's still sunny and warm in the afternoon, Eli and I eat on the campus lawn. It's on a day like this that I quickly swallow a bite of sandwich to answer my cell phone. Mary, from LDS family services, tells me that a birth mother, expecting a baby girl in four weeks, wants to meet us. Meet US! So she does. She "chose us" and she is "not going to change her mind." I can hardly believe our good fortune. Before we leave her, we have already named our baby to be, Hailey Shameeka.

Eli reminds me not to get too excited, but, it's hopeless. I share the voice I had felt about it being our time soon. I am confident this placement will go through. I go shopping. I can't stop day-dreaming about this unborn baby girl becoming part of our life --- part of our family! In mere weeks I'll be a mother! I'll have a daughter. A little black girl. She consumes my thoughts. I drop all my classes. Becoming a mommy is now my only focus. I find the cutest material with little pink roses to make crib bedding out of. I start sewing a beautiful matching little baby quilt to wrap my newborn in. Daydreaming and sewing, I pause to answer the phone. The birthmother has changed her mind. She has chosen to go through a different adoption agency. She chose another couple.

Shock. Denial. Despair. Longing. The emptiness. The deep, deep pain. In a weird way, the only comfort I receive is thinking about agency. Then, I consider how deeply her agency is hurting me --- surprisingly, I'm not angry, I just feel so lost and so empty. I hope she uses her agency to change her mind back again. After all, I still believe it's our turn. Surely, she'll change her mind back! Is this a test? There's an urgent feeling to do something... I just can't let my baby go! I am reaching, trying to hang on, but there's nothing for us to hang on to. All we can do is pray --- and PRAY we do. We fast. Many family members join us in our fast. But, she doesn't change her mind back to us.


September 2004

Her due date comes and goes. Still in a fog, I return the baby purchases. The boy behind the Target counter asks me why I am returning these items. Resenting the question and before thinking better of it, I respond, "There won't be a baby," and the finality of it suddenly hits. Another dam of tears brakes as I now stand impatiently waiting for my money.

On Sunday, a lady I don't know shows up in Relief Society every week holding her band-new, dark-haired, baby girl. I stare at her baby whenever I feel like I can get away with it. I am filled with self-pity and envy and thoughts of This is what it could have been like. I smile outwardly, but inside the sadness won't go away.

How does one deal with all this pain? I HAD felt a voice. Why? WHY!?!? I am drowning in blackness! I hurt so deep that I cry right out loud. I know Eli's parent's can hear my anguish, but I don't care and am thankful they don't come to console me. Finally, after this bitter release, I quiet down and begin to pray and pray. I pray so earnestly that I feel my spirit speak with God --- that's the only way I know to describe it. Yet, after all this, I still feel my answer is the same, that my time will be soon, really soon. When is really soon? God knows. And once again, I decide to take comfort in that feeling. Within my turmoil, I now feel a small sense of peace again. For now, I just need to let time pass.

I need to fill that time. I work as much as possible. It's the best way to bury my emotions; but, sometimes, those feelings still get the best of me. I feel Eli distance himself from me. It's hard because I really need him close. I don't consider what he needs. I can't --- even though I should. But, he has his parents now.

Part 6 - Charlotte

Our Adoption Story - Part 4 - Comfort

Part 1 - Infertility
Part 2 - Waiting
Part 3 - A New Goal



July 2004

Now that we are moved and settled into a bedroom at the end of my in-laws doublewide, Eli and I learn that we have to have our recently updated adoption paperwork, updated again. Our case-worker, Mike, was in the ward we just moved from. His wife, Jenny, and I were visiting teaching companions. Eli and I tried our best not to bring up adoption during personal time, but, they both knew we are anxious about it happening. Mike comes over to do the home-study of my in-laws' home. Boy do I feel awkward opening up all their closets for him to inspect, especially ones I've never peeked into myself, one of which is their bedroom closet.

After the home inspection, Eli, Mike and I stand in Mom's kitchen talking about other related topics. One question I had read to ask adoption agencies was how often they "placed." I decide to ask. Between their office and Albuquerque's, they have placed 13 times in the last year and a half. Mike continues talking about their success, but, I'm not listening. "13 times is it! There are so many more couples then that hoping to adopt," I lament behind a calm face. Your time will be soon, I hear me tell myself. Why would I tell myself that? WHY WOULD I LIE TO MYSELF? I demand angrily but silently. That's when a dam of tears breaks. It's embarrassing, but, try as I might, I can't stop 'em. Now, Mike is trying to give words of comfort, I think, because I still can't hear him.

That evening, I wonder again why I would tell myself, "Your time will be soon." I begin to consider that it was not me, that perhaps, I had heard the Still Small Voice. This acknowledgement feels right and an unmistakable peace fills me deep down inside everywhere. I keep these thoughts inside as I allow myself to now take comfort from those words.

Because we are now living with Eli's parents, they are busy doing stuff for a possible adoption, too. Stuff like having their fingerprints done and having background checks performed. Eli's dad buys a big fancy gun safe and I feel immensely guilty about that expense, considering we will move out before it becomes a necessity.

I didn't think about it at the time, but my my in-laws did everything they needed to so that we wouldn't miss out on an adoption opportunity. They rearranged their lives for us. They put up with my extreme emotions. They invested themselves in our greatest desire. And Eli's mom prepared breakfast for us every morning.

As the semester ends and I show Eli my awesome grades, he realizes that I took 10 hours and tells me that the school wasn't suppose to let me take that many hours in the summer. Summer classes go twice as fast and so it was like I had taken 20 hours! Oh! and I had meant to take it easy that semester! Wahoo! I aced 2 out of 3 class. (At least I passed the horrible technical writing class anyway!)


Part 5 - Chosen

Our Adoption Story - Part 3 - A New Goal

Part 1 - Infertility
Part 2 - Waiting


Spring 2004

LDS Family Services tells us the average wait for a couple to adopt a baby is approximately 18 months. As years slip by and we have no luck with adopting a newborn, I begin searching the internet for adoptable children and sibling groups. We request information, at different times, on seven different available children. Nothing. I need something to distract me. I consider a career change from graphic designer to nurse or radiologist. I start taking classes at the college.

I'm not sure when we begin seeing a fertility specialist an hour a way. But, he has me try one more round of Clomid at the highest dose. He monitors me closely and is able to determine through an ultrasound that Clomid is not going to work for me. Then we buy expensive medicine ($50 a shot of the low dose. The price goes up from there). For 10 consecutive nights, Eli diligently gives me those $50 shots. We visit Dr. Fertility a lot, sometimes nightly. Ultrasounds are done to track the egg development. On round two, with a higher dose, Dr. Fertility, Eli and I watch an egg develop inside me. He gives me a shot of Progesterone in my shoulder and we are sent home. We have high hopes. The end result --- not pregnant.


May 2004

Eli (finally) gets serious about school too. His parents invite us to live with them so Eli can attend school full-time. I will not consider this option at all... at least I didn't for a day. I know we can take care of ourselves while we go to school, but then I begin to recognize this as an opportunity for Eli to really focus on school and get it done. Once we decide to take his parents up on their offer we are packed and moving in with them within the month. Fortunately, we have our car paid off and our home rents out quickly, to a traveling nurse --- and we're able to rent most of our furniture to him too. (Saving on moving time and storage cost.) All-in-all, we profit almost $400 a month from this arrangement. Every little bit counts now.

All the baby stuff I had collected went to the very back of the storage unit. I am placing that dream on hold for now. (Fertility treatments are also put on hold.) I have two part-time jobs, one at American Classifieds as a graphic designer and one doing free-lance graphic design work for a printing press. Eli quits his full-time job as a windshield installer --- that ends his income and our health insurance. We hope for the best as we start college full-time.

Summer semester is intense for me. Eli begins work-study as a lab assistant. I only take 10 hours, so I can work too, but it is hard! Especially my technical writing class. We get to eat lunch on campus together. We study a lot.

Part 4 - Comfort

Our Adoption Story - Part 2 - Waiting

Part One - Infertility

Instead of pursuing adoption, I start taking fertility drugs, beginning with the AWFUL, HORRIBLE Clomid (Clomiphene Citrate). My hormones are not use to being messed around with and I am already emotional. I feel C-R-A-Z-Y ! Everything that bothers me seems ten times worse --- I don't keep it to myself either.

One evening, Eli and I have a serious talk about a multiple pregnancy. What if I get pregnant with four, five or six babies? That's not likely on Clomid, but it does increase the possibility of twins. Eli's concern is intense. But, I can not image being forced to decide which of my babies will live or die. What if they have serious health complications? What if, what if, what if... I just want to hope for the best. What if it's me with the serious complication? I'm sure I would risk it, but that's when I realize Eli's concern is for my well-being, once I understand that, I am emotionally touched and feel a deeper love for him grow within me, but still, I can only hope for the best.

We put off doing another round of Clomid. The next time through it Mr. 2Good2B-True is golden. It's Valentine's and he celebrates it all week. We eat out a lot so I don't have to cook and clean. He buys me a dozen red roses and a chocolate rose. He'd meets me for lunch! In the evenings, we relax next to a cozy fireplace and watch movies with 3 dogs at our feet. It feels like date night every night, almost like when we were dating --- but, so much better! Just remembering this time spent together fills me with love for him.

Eventually, when Eli's ready, too, I go back to LDS Family Services and pick up a new packet of adoption paperwork. This time we fill it out together: ethnicity, doesn't matter, each is God's child; male or female, doesn't matter either. We pause for a moment on "single" or "multiple." We had to pay more for multiples so Mr. Bread-Winner decides we'd better check the "single" box. Feeling panic overcome me for limiting our choices, I question, "If for some strange reason we are given the opportunity to adopt twins, we wouldn't say no, would we?" He agrees that we wouldn't. Instant relief. Next came a forever long list of medical issues. Mostly, we just want "healthy." As awkward as it sounds, we consider choosing our baby's health as one of the perks to adopting.

Background checks, fingerprints, financial status, employment, references, health care... you name it, we fill out a form for it. Some things must be notarized. Other things paid for with money orders. But, the hardest part is the letter we write to the birth mother. This is really important because it goes into a book with several other letters written by hopeful adopters. It has to catch her attention and touch her heart --- then, maybe, if we're really lucky, she'll choose us. We write and rewrite it, but it doesn't get any better, or more exciting. It is still about a couple, overly focused on starting a family and taking life much too seriously.


2001

Almost a year later Eli and I complete our paperwork and begin the endless waiting. In the meantime, I research PCOS. I read books about adoption. I work a lot. We remodel our home. I dream of rocking my baby and hearing their laughter in this home. I want it to be ready when our opportunity comes. But the only opportunities to have children in our home is when Eli's sister brings hers over for me to watch. This is the best type of therapy. Sometimes I even get to have them over to decorate our Christmas tree and bake cookies. My love for her kids just keeps on growing. I wonder why my friends never let me watch their kids. I finally assume that parents don't feel comfortable leaving their kids with friends that don't have kids of their own. That is hard for me.

I cry a lot. Not all the time. At random times. At church. At family Christmas parties. Mostly at night when Eli is with me. I know he tires of it, but he hangs in there. He never blames me for any of it. He doesn't have too. His mom is ruthless though. She's convinced I'll get pregnant and isn't afraid to say so. I hate it.

I take so many pregnancy tests that one time I forget about one I had set up on the tank. Eli finds it awhile later. It's POSSITIVE! I tell myself, and then him, that it must be wrong because it was sitting for so long. But I am physically SHAKING! It is Sunday --- but I just HAVE to go to the store for another test. This one is negative. I drink a big glass of water and go back to the store for another test. This time I buy a two-in-a-box. Still negative and now I am crying --- again! Every "not pregnant" puts me in a depressed mood, but this time I hit bottom. I HATE pregnancy tests! I've peed on enough sticks that the next time Eli suggests I take one, I retort that I'd rather pee on a 10 dollar bill and throw that away than see another "not pregnant" result.

That doctor that diagnosed me so quickly, the one I like, she moves away. I begin seeing other doctors, but they all want to start somewhere new. One says I don't have PCOS because I'm not fat enough. She has an x-ray done on my tubes. They are fine. One says I don't look like I have PCOS, that those ladies can be picked out from a crowd, but he does an ultrasound and confirms that I do --- he makes me feels so stupid and I leave his office in tears. I never go back to see him. One suggests an herb store. We go there. They all suggest either Clomid or birth control. I have better luck finding information on the internet --- but all that reading and knowledge doesn't make me fertile.

Part 3 - A New Goal

Our Adoption Story - Part 1 - Infertility

I really, REALLY want to post old snapshots with this story! Hopefully, a more diligent search will procure the discs (unfortunately, I've been having issues uploading photos since Christmas time --- that's just one more huge task I have got to get to in the next couple weeks, along with a birthday party, a tricky Leprechaun treasure hunt (of which I'm really excited about and hope to be able to share with anyone interested) and, possibly, a day at court (dreading this), and this all will lead me into a full week of work. When I get caught up with all that, I hope to produce a bunch of mini posts, with pictures, about my children --- which is ultimately what this blog is suppose to be about. (However, I truly have enjoyed blah, blah, blahing, about whatever, on this blog lately.)

So, back to Our Adoption Story. I have wanted to write this for the past 6 years. I have attempted it many times, but usually get stuck and give up. This time I forced myself to finish. I have decided to break it up because it's long --- I wanted to include as many details as I could possibly remember --- for my children. I am posting it in it's entirety because I simply don't want to rework it right now. I am sharing it because I have been asked to share our story by different friends who are also hopeful adopters --- and because I want to. For me, it's an incredible story to tell. However, words have failed me throughout my telling and, someday, I hope to rewrite it with better words. If that day never comes, at least we'll have this.

--- Part 1 - Infertility ---

1980s

Once upon a time, 5 little girls imagined up, and played out, various little fantasies during their long, lazy afternoons in the heat of summer. I was one of them. Often, we'd pretend we were dirty and unloved orphans. Sometimes, mystical, but, motherless mermaids; other times, abandoned kittens --- a bath would reveal our soft, shimmering fur. Even our Barbies were orphans. No matter the character, we'd start out dirty, poor and mistreated. Eventually, we'd escape from the "bad guys" and struggle to make it on our own --- which never lasted long because everyone noticed how beautiful we were and would give us free stuff or just plain throw money at us. 

So, naturally, I began to wonder about real orphans. Some could live with us! An excited and hopeful child now, I took my solution straight to my mom. "Mommy, why don't we adopt some kids?" Her answer, "I can't even take care of all the kids I have!" We only have 5 including me (number 6 was yet to come), not to mention her full-time job outside the home as well — "No BIG deal!" my child-size brain retorted silently. I hoped that one day I will adopt.

Over time, my view of adoption matured and my desire to adopt moved to the background. I had to meet my man first!



1996

Fast forward at least a decade and then some... to when I meet this man of my dreams. He is perfect in every way. You know the old saying "Too good to be true, usually is?" I try to keep that in mind but he fails to prove it right. Sure, it's only been a few weeks since we started dating, but I had fallen in love before, so, I knew this was love --- but, this time --- love is even better.

One day while walking hand-in-hand, our conversation turns to how many kids we each want. Embarrassed to admit I'd be happy with a dozen, I say 7 or 8 (secretly hoping he'd want more!) He wants less! (5 or 6). Dismayed for only a moment, I wonder if the number of children really matters if I have him. Perhaps we'd have little boy versions of him... now that would be something! Then, remembering my childhood promise, I ask him if he'd ever considered adopting. (Perhaps these could be in addition to the number he's considering?!?!) I at least have to know how he feels about it.

He is fine with adopting! I am thrilled! Oh, a few stipulations, such as we ought to raise children first so that we could have some experience behind us... then we'd adopt. Ok. Sure! Whatever... as long as it is a possibility!


August 1999

Fast forward through the next couple years, a marriage proposal and a looooooong 9 month, long distant engagement... to the week before I get married. I go to see the doctor for a premarital. He suggests that we might want to see a specialist if we have trouble conceiving.

I read between the lines. He has just pronounced my greatest fear. I can't have kids! (Ok, he didn't actually say can't — but I do get dramatic about things I don't like.) Numb, I dial Eli's number, but once I start speaking, my voice breaks and I almost can't blurt out the bad news. After my admission of being broken, I feel an urgency to remind him it's not too late for him to find someone else --- someone whole. I'm not sure that he actually takes me all that serious. But he manages to calm me down and convince me that he still loves me. He's sure it will all work out fine. I put my trust in him and hope he is right because --- I JUST DON'T KNOW! However, I do know that I love him and I fear I could take away his chance at creating children.


1999 - 2000

A wedding to Mr. 2Good2B-True, and another year later, not pregnant and another doctor's visit... this time to find out why. Doctor makes a diagnosis of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and hands me a booklet. Glancing at the title, the word "infertility" unexpectedly, stabs through me. She sends me off to have blood work done to confirm her diagnosis.

The white-coated man with the needle can't find a vain in my arm. He keeps saying he doesn't want to draw it from my hand because it will hurt. After his fourth poke he tells me he's going for the dreaded hand draw. The energy drains quickly from my head and I tell him I need to lie down. He proceeds anyway. I wake from a deep sleep, disoriented because there is pressure on my head and I am leaning forward face down. I begin to realize my head is actually being held up against Mr. Needle's stomach. He calls to Eli to come back to be with me. He humorously tells him all about the dorky position my body went into as I passed out. The two men have a good laugh on me as he draws blood now from my other hand. I am still sitting, I feel physically awful, and, now, I am thoroughly annoyed.

We get home. My energy still sapped, I crawl into bed. I crave a milkshake and hamburger. My good husband heads out to make me happy and comes home with a strawberry slushy from Sonic. Unappreciatively, I say, "I don't want this." I want to send him back out, but I don't. I shouldn't be having such a hard time recovering from that little incident anyway. I take a few sips for visual gratitude and go back to sleep. My arms and hands are all bruised. The blood work confirms the previous diagnosis.

Shortly after the doctor visit, I come home with some adoption paperwork. I really want to get going on it, but, for whatever reason, Eli does not. I am terribly upset, I finally tear up the paperwork before crying myself to sleep.

Part 2 - Waiting