sTinker Bell & SonShine

Valentine Funnies

2012-02-17T10:18:00.002-07:00

Written by Alyssa

This is what came out of her backpack on Valentine's Day.

Click image to see larger!

(She had Daddy and me laughing so hard that I thought I'd post it so the world could laugh too!) : )

My sweet, and SILLY, Alyssa.

We hope you had a fun Valentine's too!

Our Adoption Story - Part 13 - Photos

2012-02-09T21:07:00.001-07:00

(I almost hate to post this tonight when I just learned that a good friend of mine just adopted a baby boy --- I hope no one thinks I'm trying to steal the attention she should be getting. Go HERE if you want to read about a newly announced adoption.)

It's already close to a year since I posted our adoption story and said that I hoped to put photos with it. This last week I finally hunted down the disk those were on (thanks to a scrapbooking/family history lesson this week that motivated me to find it). So, here we have it. Below are a few of my favorites photos of my beautiful babies almost SEVEN years ago!!!!!!!

Part 1 - Infertility
Part 2 - Waiting
Part 3 - A New Goal
Part 4 - Comfort
Part 5 - Chosen
Part 6 - Charlotte
Part 7 - Expecting
Part 8 - Shopping
Part 9 - Birthday
Part 10 - Hospital

Part 11 - His Will

Part 12 - Miracles

12 Days of Christmas --- Dinner Ideas

2011-11-02T14:34:00.000-06:00

If I plan a menu through the month of December (back in October), will it make the holidays go by with a little less stress? Just wondering because I'm so am hoping for that!

While jotting dinner ideas on my calendar I started thinking it would be fun to serve up some sort of food for those 12 days counting down to Christmas. (Yes, here I am, making a simple idea complicated again!) So, I've browsed from time to time, all the way up to Halloween, and now, before completing my menu, I can't help but share all my research with you! So, have a look, then share your ideas with me!

(BTW, I thought this video of the MOTAB singing the 12 Days of Christmas will be a fun way to start Day 1.)

Day 1 --- Partridge in a Pear Tree

Fresh Pears (This is a nicely presented!)

canned pears
pear dessert
Harry and David pears
Roquefort Pear Salad (see 1st review / can replace bleu cheese with Gorgonzola cheese)
Christmas Cinnamon Pears
Gingered Pears
Autumn Pear Dessert
Piles of Pears and One Amazing Coffee Cake

Day 2 --- Turtle Doves

Turtle Cake --- This is beautiful! (However, I will use this chocolate cake recipe instead --- it's super easy to make, you don't need coffee an it's one of our favorites.) I think I'll have a scope of vanilla ice cream with that!

turtle chocolates and dove bars
Pretzel Turtles
Turtle Bread
Turtle Soup (I will use beef or turkey) or Turtle Mock Soup
Turtle Cheesecake (Mmmmmmmmm... this looks yummy too!)

Day 3 --- French Hens

Stuffed Cornish Hens (2 hours), Apricot-Glazed Cornish Hens (for glaze only)

Rich and Simple French Onion Soup
French Bread or French Baguettes
French Green Beans
French Fries
French Vanilla Hot Chocolate

Day 4 --- Calling Birds actually "Colly Birds" (means blackbird/crow)

Calling Bird Cut-out Cookies

Buy or cut out a bird shaped stencil. Spread cream cheese on crackers and use the stencil for things like finely chopped chives, black olive, paprika, chopped egg yolk, to make the birds on top.
Colly Bird Pie (I think I'll make 2 pies some night soon and freeze one of those for later --- or --- I might just make a regular old pot pie and make reference to the children's rhyme with blackbirds baked in a pie.)

Day 5 --- Golden Rings

gold-foil wrapped chocolate bells (for ringing)
oranges sliced into rings
onion rings with a hamburger
Cowboy Donuts (for 5 golden glazed doughnuts --- or glazed will work)
Christmas Bread Wreath (for breakfast)

Day 6 --- Geese-a-Laying

Duck Egg and Brussels Sprouts Hash (I'll just use hen eggs from the store...)

Breakfast for dinner: something with (hard boiled?) eggs
Mexican Sunrise Scrambled Eggs

Day 7 --- Swans-a-Swimming

Swan Cream Puffs

Day 8 --- Maids-a-Milking

Milk Duds, Popcorn and a Family Christmas Movie (But, what's for dinner?)

something with lots of milk (i.e. cheese, custard, yogurt)
Chocolate pudding topped with whipped cream
Tres Leches Cake

Day 9 --- Ladies Dancing

Pink Ladies (With so many sweets, just make 1/2 a batch --- these are rich and oh, so good.)

Pink Lady apples (can use to make Raw Apple Crisp, Apple Cider (juice the apples through a juicer)/Wassail, apple pie)
Gingerbread Ladies (1, 2, 3, 4) --- Can be baked and frozen until Day 9!

Day 10 --- Lords-a-Leaping

Chicken a la King (can make double and freeze extra for the 10th Day)

Beef Wellington (Takes 4 hours or more to make and cooks up med. rare) Sounds good but might want to find something easier...
Gingerbread Men with crowns iced on (see ladies dancing and make them both)
Capering Baron of Beef au jus, Trinidad Hops Bread and Grasshopper Pie
King Cake (traditionally on the 12 day to celebrate when the wise men travel to the baby ends --- "King/Queen for the Day" trinket) King cake - Wikipedia
garlic-crab-legs (King Crab)
Burger King (Don't forget your coupons!)

Day 11 --- Pipers Piping

Snowman Stew (Make 11 snowmen with little pipes drawn on with mustard.) I will use this slow cooker Beef Stew recipe because we like it and it's pretty easy, I'll just add the snowmen towards the end of the cooking time, maybe even pour it into a casserole dish... but that might be complicating a simple idea. Here's some good crusty bread to serve with it.)

Scottish food for Pipers --- Pork and Sauerkraut Casserole
pipe frosting onto sugar cookies
Duchess Potato Christmas Trees

Day 12 --- Drummers Drumming

California Rolls --- video (These are drum shaped, add something for drumsticks --- chopsticks?) These can be made a day ahead. (Serve with instant Miso Soup and steamed veggies.)

Simple Chili (in crock pot) with Rosemary Breadsticks
12 Cinnamon Rolls (for Christmas breakfast) or dozen of anything
Oven-Fried Drumsticks

Trick-or-Treat!

2011-10-31T00:31:00.000-06:00

I finished the bat wings just in time, even with a broken sewing machine. Payton's smile made it all worth while. (Those are glow sticks in his wings, purple even, his favorite color these days, but the picture just doesn't show it.)

I signed up to bring treats to his school class and was asked to bring veggies. I wasn't sure how creative I could get with those --- good thing for Google --- I found something easy enough. The hardest part was coming up with a little container small enough for the nose. (Yeah, I found one!) I also signed up to bring treats to Alyssa's class, but, it turns out that I guess that meant I was staying to help with the party! Ohhhhhh... so, I would bring cupcakes still... but, the teacher wants the kids to decorate them! Okay... I guess I can do that too...

I don't know why I didn't get a picture, the cupcakes were really cute with a spider web in the icing and a spider ring stuck on top. But here's her class playing musical chairs to Halloween music.

And here are my two monsters after a quick dinner, ready to TRICK-OR-TREAT!

Alyssa's is a witch for the 3rd year in a row. My mom sewed us matching costumes and left room for my little girl to grow with it. Doesn't she make a darling witch!

The weather was cool, yet, nice for this time of year. We trick-or-treated our neighborhood down to their school where they were having a trunk-or-treat. We ran into some of our friends there.

Then we trick-or-treated our way back home. Some people where very creative in decorating their house. These were some of our favorites:

We got TOO MUCH CANDY! (Almost 2 buckets full each!) I told them so too and asked them to just keep their favorites --- we needed to get rid of the rest. And they did --- without complaining (and with a little help). YEAH! Now they've got 1/2 a bucket each (as if that isn't too much!)

We hope your Halloween was fun too!

Bat Wings

2011-10-26T00:55:00.001-06:00

Today begins another attempt at turning my son into a vampire bat. Last Halloween, I gave up when I couldn't get the wings to work. He was so disappointed. I felt awful letting him down that way. So, I promised him he could be a bat next year. (I would have an ENTIRE year to figure out how to make bat wings...) Next year's here. It's 1:00 Wednesday morning. He needs his costume Friday morning. No need to panic yet --- I have it all pinned together. He'll get to try it on in the morning (I hope all the pins are poking outward enough that those don't draw blood. And, I'm hoping for only minor adjustments.)

My mom is the seamstress. Not me. She made my daughter and me matching witch costumes 3 years ago. This will be our 3rd year wearing them together. However, Alyssa says she's not doing Halloween this year. Of corse I said OK --- I told her she could stay home with Daddy (he would LOVE that). I'm betting she'll change her mind. She's already decided to wear her costume to her ballet Halloween party, after all.

My 6-Year Old Daughter

2011-10-23T22:30:00.001-06:00

Alyssa, she’s a sweetheart. Find a lonely girl and she’ll be first to be her friend. She feels sad when she sees others making poor choices. She always wants to know when we can do more service. And she is smart. One time when she was barely 3 we called her “Little Miss Smarty Pants” and she said, “No! I’m not Smartly Pants, I’m Smarty Skirt,” because, she was, after all, wearing a skirt! At 4 years old, she could not learn how to read fast enough and it frustrated her so deeply she’d scream. Now she’s the top reader in her first grade class. She brings home extra books every night and can’t wait to read them to us. She sneaks those into bed and reads until the last sliver of light fades from her room. Yet, one of her favorite ways to spend time with me is getting ready for church on Sunday. She picks out her prettiest dress and I polish her dainty fingernails. She carefully places them in her very own pink nail dryer. She knows just how her hair should be and really likes it braided. For a finishing touch we add sparkly stickers to her ears. She feels like a princess as she admires her reflection with a satisfied smile.

Goo Goo Ga Ga

2011-10-22T22:28:00.001-06:00

Payton's 1st grade teacher played "Goo Goo Ga Ga" for his first grade class. He tried telling me about the baby and the troll in the song. So, because he was so excited about it, I looked it up online. It was easy to find because, apparently, Joe Scruggs is a favorite with some other bloggers. It's very cute --- at least it was the first 1/2 a dozen times we listened to it. Now I can't get out of my head! Needless to say, the kids don't have a problem humming and singing it all day loooooooooooooooong!

Pumpkins

2011-10-18T20:18:00.001-06:00

My son (6), so creative...

He started drawing pumpkins during sacrament meeting last Sunday and kept on drawing until the meeting was over.

I thought we'd tape those to the front window with the other Halloween decorations, but, then thought his birthmother would enjoy them, too. So, we're sending them in the mail tomorrow --- and I'm hanging these scanned drawings in my blog instead.

Pepper Water

2011-06-10T22:20:00.000-06:00

Sitting around the dinner table eating a bedtime snack --- celery (because it's suppose to work like an antacid).

Alyssa: Mommy, I wish we could get paid money to go to church.

Me: Some things are better than money (...thinking about treasures in heaven). Going to church helps us to become more like Jesus --- and becoming like Him will make it so you can receive many of His blessings.

Payton: Jesus has very important work for me to do. Like going on a mission! (He gives a HUGE smile. He's really excited to do this.)

Eli: If you could go anywhere in the world on your mission, where would you want to go?

Payton: Salt Lake City!

Me: That would be a great place to go.

Eli: Do you know why they call it "Salt Lake"?

Alyssa: Because it's a lake and it has salt in it.

Eli: (surprised) That's right!

Alyssa: (blushing because she's so smart)

Payton: (very matter-of-factly) Did you know sharks don't like salt water? They only like pepper water.

Me: ???? (hu?)

Diagnosis: Meniere's Disease

2011-05-31T12:50:00.011-06:00

At the end of March I got dizzy. Laying down seemed to help --- it almost made me feel normal again. About four days into this, I laid myself down on the living room floor and willed the phone to come to me. What is wrong with me?!?! After, several minutes I willed myself to the phone, which worked mildly better than the phone coming to me. I returned to my previous spot on the floor as I dialed my husband's cell. "I can't do this anymore," I wailed. He said to make a doctor's appointment and he'd be able to come home to take me. Relief! (Often, he's an hour away for work.) But, that meant I would now have to get the phone book. A doctor's visit was motivation enough to crawl myself back into the kitchen.

Fortunately, by the time of the appointment, the worst of it had passed. The doctor asked so many questions. Many seemed repetitive. One was if I had ringing in my ears. I said I didn't. Each time I turned to look at my husband, I would get nauseous again (poor guy : ). The doctor did a bunch of test in which I had to follow his finger with my eyes. Finally, he concluded that I had Vertigo and eventually it would just go away on it's own.

Vertigo, in very simple terms, is when some of the "gravel" in your ears gets out of its spot and ends up in different parts of your ear, causing you to feel unbalanced or dizzy.

So, he had me lay down with my head just hanging off the end of the table(?) and turned it just so. I stared at his fingertip until the dizziness went away. Then we repeated it on the other side.

When I stood back up --- I was BETTER! I wanted to laugh right out loud. It seemed so humorous that I spent 4 days at home trying to get over this, and then to lay down in the doctor's office and get immediate relief! Why had I waited so long? He told me that I could do that exercise at home and prescribed meclizine to help reduce the dizziness. Unfortunately, the medicine didn't seem to do much for me.

I was so happy to feel good again until it returned. I tried and tried to do that exercise on my own bed. My husband tried to help too, until I vomited. We just couldn't get it to work. He and his friend gave me a priesthood blessing of which I was very grateful for. I wanted to be told that I would heal quickly. Instead, I was told that this would bring me closer to the Lord and to not be ashamed to ask for help from members in our ward. Ok...

I spent the weekend lying down again. I did have good moments though, sometimes even a day or two where I almost felt back to normal. I managed to get through the next week well enough. Then it was suggested that I see a certain chiropractor. I did with the help of my visiting teacher who was so kind to drive me --- 3 times a week sometimes. The chiropractor would reset my ears. It helped a lot. Every now and then a little wave of dizziness would threaten worse to come, but it didn't and life seemed manageable. I felt sure the whole Vertigo thing was going away.

Then came the neck pain. Terrible neck pain. (I blamed it on the chiropractor.) Soon after that came the migraine, only on the left side, but constant, unless I laid on my back and kinked my head to the left just so, it would go away, then I felt well again, as long as I stayed in that position. Anyway, having the chiropractor move my neck around to reduce the dizziness didn't work very well anymore and the dizziness got worse again. The chiropractor prescribed muscle relaxers and pain killers for the migraine and sent me back to my doctor. Those two were now talking about me seeing a neurologist and having an MRI done. That scared me.

About that time, I realized that the high pitch beeps I'd hear in my ears from time to time is was "ringing" in the ears. I also noticed that that was happening more often. This is called Tinnitus. My chiropractor said that when you have Vertigo and Tinnitus as the same time, it is called Meniere's Disease.

And that's all he said about it. But, he, and the doctor and the neurologist, still wanted to have a couple MRIs done, one on my neck, one on my brain. Fortunately, the MRIs didn't find anything. Still, that was a miserable week. One good friend brought my children home from school several times. Another came to pick me up so that I wouldn't have to walk there in the rain. Thankfully, the ward brought dinner over 3 times one week. I felt extremely grateful that they cared enough to do that, but my husband said he could fix dinner (which he was, and doing wash, and cleaning the house, and sometimes even making breakfast, and going into work early so that he'd be back in time to pick up the kids when he could, and running me around). He stepped right up to what needed to be done and did a great job. I was so grateful for him. He needed a break! Even if he didn't think so, and I was so grateful that a prepared dinner would give him that break.

I feel guilty though --- letting people help so much. I did my best to walk down and pick up my kids from school when I could and it felt good to do that. One day, I felt a little off to start, but figured a walk would do me some good. We only had a couple houses to go before we would be back home when I got really dizzy. I had to yell at my son to run and catch up, but I couldn't wait, I was going to be sick. I don't know how, but I managed to make it to my own toilet. : ) I can't tell you how paranoid I was to do anything for a week after that, but I simply could not let my kids miss out on their life because of it. (Everywhere we went I would look for the nearest trashcan or bathroom, just in case... sometimes I'd carry plastic bags with me.) I so wanted to take care of my responsibilities. After all, I am healthy!!! I just have a little ear trouble that's causing a BIG mess.

One Thursday the dizziness came back and my chiropractor was not in his office. On Friday, I waited to go until my husband could take me after work. The office had closed at noon. Desperate to not spend the entire weekend in bed, my husband's grandma sent some exercises for Vertigo that her doctor gave her. They were the same ones I couldn't make work. Eli searched the internet for some new exercises and had me try some. No luck. Later, I tried one called Brandt-Daroff Exercises. It works! (At least most of the time.) I felt empowered that I no longer would have to rely on my chiropractor to make the dizziness go away!

So, to finish my story, I got medicine for the migraine and about the time things started to feel good again, the pain in my neck began on the opposite side. So, it was not the chiropractor who had caused the pain on the left side after all. I was aghast. I just could not start over with that pain again. Especially if it was going to mean another month or more of pain! I began taking the pain pills again and fortunately, I don't think it even lasted a whole week. That made me happy.

Last week was good. In fact, I felt good enough to get back on the internet and read! I could focus on words again! I could concentrate again! I love to research stuff on the internet and was finally able find out what it had to say about Meniere's Disease.

After reading many sites (finding the same information on multiple sites make the repetitive information more valid to me) I came across two sites that I like. One is by a man who tells about his personal experience with Meniere's Disease and the other is a compilation of easy to read facts.

____________________________________________

Meniere's Disease -- An Overview

Meniere's disease is a disorder of the inner ear that can cause severe dizziness, vomiting, ringing in the ears, and can disable you for the better part of a day or more. It is a non-fatal, non-curable condition. Non-curable? Well, think of it like having an allergy to something... nothing they can do will make you no longer allergic to whatever it is you're allergic to... but once you understand the fact that you do have this allergic condition, you can find ways to avoid triggering it.

My personal battle with Meniere's

... I had a total of about a dozen severe attacks over six months or so. During an attack I would get extremely dizzy within a matter of 5 or 10 minutes. Sometimes I would begin vomiting. During an attack I was too dizzy to walk or do anything except lie down. ... I usually still felt pretty lousy, or as Meniere's sufferers often say "out of sorts", for about a day after an attack.

The severe attacks … were triggered by the stress…

…

One frustrating aspect of dealing with Meniere's disease, or any inner-ear disorder, is that you don't generally LOOK sick to other people. Your friends and co-workers may think you are making the whole thing up, or that you're a little crazy…

…

How I Beat Meniere's Disease

… An MRI of the brain and ear was performed to rule out the possibility of physical damage including a brain tumor…

One doctor … suggested I keep a log of my attacks. I wrote down when they occurred, and anything unusual I had eaten or done in the day or two prior. (He suspected I was reacting to salt in my diet.) Once I did this, it became totally obvious that my attacks had nothing to do with food, and everything to do with stress and disturbances to my sleep schedule… (Hmmmm, I did notice I felt the worst when I was working, but seriously, I live fairly stress free, unless there's a deadline to meet... Logging my food? What a tedious and loathsome way to spend my day, however, it may help me keep the symptoms away, I should make a sincere effort --- especially being the mom of two little ones.)

____________________________________

Ménière's disease is a condition of the inner ear. About 1 in a 1,000 people develops Ménière's disease. … The disease is named after a French doctor called Prosper Ménière who first described the disease in the 1860s.

Symptoms that 'come and go'

Ménière's disease typically comes in attacks (episodes) of the following symptoms:

Dulled hearing in the affected ear(s). The degree of hearing loss varies.
Vertigo. This is dizziness with a spinning sensation. It can be quite severe and make you feel sick or vomit. Vertigo can develop with little or no warning. You may feel very dizzy and ill. You may need to go to bed until it passes.
Tinnitus. This is a noise such as a ringing, roaring, or buzzing noise which you can hear from inside the affected ear.
Ear pressure. You may get a sense of fullness or pressure inside the ear.
Loud noises may seem unpleasant and distorted.

An attack of Ménière's disease may last from 20 minutes to several hours. The average is 2-4 hours. Many people feel quite sleepy after an attack. Slight unsteadiness may last a day or so after an attack --- sometimes longer. (This helped me to understand what was happening.)

…

Attacks may be frequent, or occur only every few months or longer. Sometimes they come in clusters of several attacks in quick succession. For example, you may have an attack every couple of days or so for a week or so. Some attacks may be so close together that it may seem that one attack lasts for several days. On average, you may get 6-11 clusters a year. (Hopefully, I don't get cluster of attack 6-11 times per YEAR!)

…

An uncommon symptom is to have sudden unexplained falls (drop attacks). These are falls without losing consciousness. Drop attacks last just a short time with little associated vertigo. They occur in about 1 in 25 people with Ménière's disease. So, although uncommon, drop attacks can be alarming and potentially dangerous if, for example, you are driving or up a ladder when one occurs. (WAIT! What? At least this hasn't happened to me! Talk about making someone paranoid about going out. For the most part, I have a brief period of warning and I have not fallen at all. Whew!)

You may have long periods of time (months or years) between attacks (or clusters of attacks) when you have no symptoms. In about 7 in 10 people with Ménière's disease, the attacks stop altogether within 5-10 years of their starting. This is hopeful! : )

Symptoms that may become permanent

Hearing loss. During each attack the hearing loss is temporary at first….
Tinnitus. … often temporary at first … eventually becomes permanent in some cases. (and not so hopeful...)

What causes Ménière's disease?

…

It is thought that a build-up of fluid in the labyrinth from time to time causes the symptoms. The build-up of fluid may increase the pressure and cause swelling of the labyrinth. Also, fluid may leak between different parts of the labyrinth. These effects may cause the inner ear to send abnormal messages to the brain, which causes the dizziness and vomiting. (There's a longer explanation on their site, but I think this sums it up quickly.)

…

What is the outlook (prognosis)?

The way Ménière's disease affects people can vary greatly. At the outset of the disease, it is not possible to predict how badly it will affect an individual in the coming years. In many cases, months or years go by between attacks. In some cases the attacks are more frequent. Some attacks are minor and don't last long. Some attacks can be very distressing with severe vomiting and dizziness. However, treatments that can ease symptoms have improved in recent years.

There is a good chance that after a while (typically after 5-10 years) the attacks stop occurring altogether. However, you may have developed some permanent hearing loss or permanent tinnitus in the affected ear or ears by this time. This may be only a minor degree of hearing loss, but some people become deaf in the affected ear or ears. (So, I guess we just wait and see...)

So, I'm sure that's more than anyone cared to know. But, that's been my life pretty much for the last couple of months. I so desperately wanted to be done with it by the time school lets out for the summer and it looks like I may have my wish. And, just to note, I've found that a green veggie juice a day seems to reduce the pressure in my ears. One more incentive to eat better.

Giving 6-Year Olds Choices

2011-04-26T13:10:00.002-06:00

(See 6-Year Olds and Chores)

Today Payton got "Kitty" fresh water --- without any spills! He proudly reported his accomplishment with his hand up for a high-five stinger. Such enthusiasm for a job well-done --- this was a job I hadn't requested or reminded him to do. I had just woke up with a splitting headache --- the same one it seems I've had on-and-off for the past month. His happiness makes me smile. Things have changed here in the jobs area.

About 3 years ago, when my kids were around 3-years old, I was struggling big-time to become the parent I wanted to be. I expressed my exasperation with a good lady I was just beginning to get-to-know. She introduced me to Love and Logic. I devoured the parenting techniques they taught and began practicing those on my children. The results were wonderful.

Overtime, we sort of let those ideas fall to the wayside.

My husband and I have our own ideas of what a good parent needs to be like. Eventually, parenting became a battle and it didn't seem right to push so hard for what I wanted; although, it would certainly be a disservice to our children if I just gave up. So, how are we going to teach our kids? We needed some new ideas! I was given good suggestions and advice from some of my readers which I've seriously considered.

And then, of all things, we were reminded about the Love and Logic approach to parenting. (If you've experienced with it or listen to this audio, I would love to here your opinion on it.) One idea in particular was about giving children choices. This was once my favorite technique. It is to give your kids LOTS of choices ALL DAY LONG, choices, that as parents, we can be perfectly happy with either result, such as, "Do you want to put on your shirt first or your pants first?" This is suppose to help them feel like they are in charge, that they have some control over themselves. In the back of my mind, I thought of Payton shouting at us, "Why don't you ever let me do what I want?" Which, of corse, we do. But, in his little mind, we are making way too many demands comparatively. I couldn't wait to reintroduce this technique.

Another reminder was to let my kids make mistakes. I have been so focused on helping them be successful that I have forgotten that it is ok to let them learn from their mistakes. I guess it is mostly the sting I feel from those who see me mother this way, such as, sending my children to school in pajamas because they would rather play than get ready for school, letting them go without breakfast because they would rather go to school on an empty tummy than in their pajamas, not combing their hair because we don't have time to find the brush that didn't get put back away after brushing the doll's hair, not taking them to an Easter egg hunt because they refuse (for over 2 hours) to do a 5-minute pickup in their room, taking them back to pay for the 25¢ candy they stole (1/2 a dozen different times)... Is this really what a "good mother" does? Love and Logic convinces me that it is better that they learn from their (cheep) mistakes when they are little rather than when they are older and the consequences are much more severe.

Does this make me feel too strict? YES!!! Really, I don't want them to be embarrassed, I don't want them to miss out. So, what can I do? I figure I can do my best to make it possible for them to get their little things done. And empathy --- Don't forget the empathy! Always make the bad guy the unfortunate consequence of their choice; I should be there to love them through their suffering, hold them while they cry, but let the consequence of their action teach them.

The transformation has been greatest in Payton this week. The first choice I gave him was, "Do you want to run to the ice cream shop door or walk with me? At first, he looked at me questionably, then a huge grin came over his face when he said he wanted to run and he sped off. Although, he still puts up a stubborn attitude when I ask him to do a job (how do I embed this video?), he will, eventually, do it. And sometimes, like today, he will do one if his jobs without anyone asking. I guess that makes him feel like he's in charge.

6-Year Olds and Chores

2011-04-07T15:30:00.003-06:00

Aaaaaaaargh! I am frusterated! In fact, this week they have become so defiant that for the past 2 days they have even stopped flushing the toilets!

I expect my 6-year old twins to help with jobs around the house. They've had jobs since they were 3-years old and sometimes it can be a challenge for the 3 of us. I only ask them to do what they have shown me themselves they can do --- I take that as my cue to know what they are ready for.

It doesn't seem other mom's I know have chores for their young (6 and under) children. I need to know if I am totally out of line here or what I am doing so wrong, because I can't seem to make it work anymore and attempts are just getting worse. I don't know if I should scrap the whole thing and be the mother who does everything and expects nothing (my husband's ideal type of mother, but, not in my nature) or to press forward in my thinking that if I want my children to be capable, me, the mother, has to teach them. So, I give them jobs.

Their job list:

MAKE BED (All they have to do is flip the covers back over, only trying to teach habit here, not perfection.)
PERSONAL PRAYER (again, it's about habit, this is mostly a reminder and will be taken off the "job" chart when school starts again)
GET DRESSED put pajamas in drawer
WASH CLOTHES Once a week (Alyssa on Tuesday and Payton on Friday) they bring down their hamper and I help them load it into the washer. If it gets in early enough, they help me put it into the dryer before leaving for school. I fold or lay out most of it and leave it on their bed for them to put away when they get home.
ZONE JOB These are once a month jobs spread out over the month. Each week we detail clean a section of our house. They each have 1 job a day in that area. This week we are in our bedrooms and today the job is to straighten up the clothes in their closets so they hang nicely.

Now they are ready for breakfast.

After breakfast:

Clean up TABLE SPACE (their own dishes into dishwasher and garbage into trash can)
KITCHEN JOB --- Every morning the table needs wiped off and the floor needs swept. They take turns doing one or the other. I am not looking for perfection, just a 6-year old effort. (Besides picking up their toys, and making their bed (if you want to count those as jobs), I feel like this is the only real job I insist on every morning.) This is an attempt to teach them that being part of a family means helping with the household chores. We play "Beat the Timer" and I set it for 5 minutes.
BRUSH TEETH (habit reminder that will come off the 'job' list soon)
COMB HAIR (another habit reminder that will come off the 'job' list soon)
WIPE OFF BATHROOM COUNTER (I want them to be aware of how much toothpaste they get on the counter --- again, not looking for perfection here.)
PACK LUNCH (I didn't say 'make', I put it on the counter for them, in a few years they will get to make their own.)
FEED PETS AND WATER PLANTS (together because we use the same water pitcher for both) I usually end up doing these, but, often, they want to help so I put it on their job list. I gently stress the importance of this job by saying things like, "The dogs must be thirsty/hungry, we better get them some water/food because we would sure hate to be hungry/thirsty all day. Until they learn the importance of the task, I make sure it is done every day. I am not willing to let the pets or plants go without if they won't do it.
OR --- TAKE OUT COMPOST --- Last year they fought for their turn; the weather's just warming up enough again to put it back on their list. (I'm afraid it's going to become a struggle this time around. I can't help wondering if I should put it back on the list just because I know they can do it.)

That should be 10 minutes max. in their bedrooms. After breakfast, it's easily 20-30 minutes if they go at a good pace. I know it's too much time to keep them focused, so what do I cut out? At this point, I would like to snuggle on the couch and read to my kids until the bus comes; unfortunately, this almost never happens anymore. It makes me sad because this is what I most want to do before they are gone for the next 6 1/2 hours of the day.

Today, nothing got done except they put on clothes! (I have taken them to pre-school with their pajamas on before, so if they want to wear clothes, they know they had better get them on.) Often, I am trying to get food inside them while they are putting on their coats and I am stuffing their lunches into their backpacks while the bus is waiting. Part of the problem, there are no consistent consequences, if there are any at all. Sometimes they stay in their rooms until it gets clean or their wash gets put away. But, Payton will stay in his room all weekend (except to eat) and still not get it done, even if it means he has to miss out on fun activities. (He is more stubborn than me, and I am stubborn.) I hate doing it that way. So, I help them succeed, which usually means I do it all while they watch. It seems they learn to expect that. Then I get all crazy about them not doing any of their jobs! I hate being the mean mom. All I really want is for them to quickly get through their jobs so I can spend quality time with them. I hate asking and asking and asking for the same old things to be done EVERY day and then have the evening end without spending quality time with them. What do you do when they refuse to do what you ask? How do you teach them these things with love?

The worst of it was that while Alyssa put on her jacket, I pointed out that it was filthy. "Look at the orange stuff on it! And all the dirt on the front! Why do you put your jackets on the floor." As I quickly removed it, and replace it with a dirty coat (I just washed) I noticed food and sleep junk on her face and say, "You're face is dirty too. Why didn't you wash it?" I try to help her with her backpack and let out a sigh as she picks up the opposite arm that I need. "Oh, your hair!" I had tried to do it earlier, but it didn't happen. "You look like nobody takes care of you," and guiltily I wonder if I don't. She frowns and says, "People think I look funny when I don't comb my hair." Me, I say, "If it was important enough to you, you'd get it done." Isn't it important enough to me to help her get it done? She puts her head down and says she doesn't want to go to school. But I walk her out to the bus anyway. She pushes up against me. I pick her up and put her on the bottom step and nudge her forward. My poor baby. How can she stand the way I talk to her?!?!? I just can't stand myself sometimes. I feel so bad now that I sent her off to school feeling that way.

What would you have done?

Giving 6-Year Olds Choices

Our Adoption Story - Part 12 - Miracles

2011-03-17T22:41:00.013-06:00

Part 1 - Infertility
Part 2 - Waiting
Part 3 - A New Goal
Part 4 - Comfort
Part 5 - Chosen
Part 6 - Charlotte
Part 7 - Expecting
Part 8 - Shopping
Part 9 - Birthday
Part 10 - Hospital
Part 11- His Will

March 18, 2005

Exhausted, we sleep deeply. The next morning, we follow our plan. Getting my job back isn't so easy. My bosses are on vacation --- out of the country! I explain our situation to my old supervisor and give him my request about wanting to be hired back on, full-time --- and, then, be given maternity leave. I've NEVER considered cellphones a miracle in my entire life! Unfortunately, he can't get a hold of the bosses --- but, he can leave a message. I am LOVING technology!

Eli and I go back home --- and wait. We sit in front of the TV, not really watching it. We don't say much. We just wait. Finally, the phone rings! We jump. It turns out I have to go back in and explain exactly what I want from my old job, again. We head back into town. I am careful to be clear in that I won't be coming back to work after "maternity leave" in case that legally changes things. (We are so careful to do everything EXACTLY right because we don't want anything to come back and bite us in the butt at some random time in the future.) Their only request, that I work full-time for one week to make the full-time requirement legit. I can do that! He signs the employment form. Eli and I take the form to the adoption agency. It turns out Eli has spring-break next week, the week I will work full-time. He will be able to stay home with the babies that entire week! Another small miracle --- but, truly one.

Mary faxes my signed employment form to Headquarters in Salt Lake City. While she's faxing, we ask her if she'll let us know if we qualify. She tells us to just head back to Albuquerque and she'll give us a call when she knows. We obey. After a long drive and only ten minutes left to the hospital, we still haven't heard from Mary. We call her. No luck. Eli calls Brenda. She answers, but before we can ask, she is already talking, telling us she's got the babies in her backseat and to meet her in her office. Soooooo --- we qualify then? I have to ask. I cannot explain the euphoria I feel at this moment or the wonder of the miracle we are witnessing.

_________________________

At Brenda's office we see our babies dressed in sleepers that actually fit. They don't match, but, I don't care anymore! Hardly daring to believe this is real, I hold them close, breathing them in. I can't let go again. The reunion is incredible. "To good to be true for someone like me," is a repeating thought. In the meantime, we re-sign a ton of papers and I take more pictures. Brenda gets Charlotte on the phone and Eli and I sit ear-to-ear, on the love seat, with arms and hearts full; but, all are at a loss for words. We let her know we are taking the babies home with us now. We thank her again.

Yesterday, when Brenda told Charlotte that her babies didn't go home with us and that they had a plan for foster care while they found another couple, Charlotte had said, "They go home with Eli and Corinne, or they go home with me." Brenda said that without her pulling for us that way, we wouldn't be bringing them home. We are ever so grateful she stuck with us. (Another miracle.)

I can only imagine what it must have been like for Charlotte... choosing a couple to raise her babies, we believe she must have felt good about her choice, and, then, to suddenly have all she felt secure about in her adoption plan being replaced with the unknown --- by those who were suppose to be supporting her. How must that have been for her?

It's dusk now and it is a strange, but wonderful feeling to drive back home with babies in the backseat. My family is all celebrating a wedding right now. I call them to announce our good news. For some reason my brother, Rob, tells me to call the groom. I do. I tell him we're bringing our babies home. He can't talk, he's suppose to be doing the garter belt! Brothers! So, I have to call Rob back again and tell him to let the family know. I'm so happy I could burst while sharing our triumph. I am also anxious to get home. The babies are so quiet that for short moments I forget they're in the backseat. When I remember again, I get sort of an creepy feeling for having forgotten. I must have been exhausted.

At home, the house is empty, quiet. Eli's mom is working at the Albuquerque temple (she put us on the prayer roll earlier this morning). Eli's dad is working on the road tonight. When I realize we'll have the house to ourselves for the first night of being a family, I feel greedily thankful. However, soon Eli's grandma is over. Then, Eli's sister and her family show up. They love on our babies big time. This welcome home is so precious, perfect really --- it's wonderful to see their instant love and acceptance of the babies into our family. And, then I am glad we are not lone. I have to take more pictures. I believe these pictures will mean a lot to our babies someday. I want these pictures for Charlotte too. I want her too see her babies' arrival home being celebrated. However, Eli has had enough of the picture taking. I haven't taken nearly enough! But, I happy oblige, setting the camera down. It's so much more exciting to be part of this event than to be behind the camera.

Soon enough, we discover the diapers I had purchased for a newborn baby, are way too big! So are the tiny cloth diapers we made. Eli goes out to buy diapers for preemies.

When everyone goes home, and the house is quiet again, we tuck our brand-new babies in their tiny blankets and lay them side-by-side in their huge crib. Then we scoot them a little closer, so they are just touching. We stand and watch them sleep before kneeling down beside each other and offering a prayer of gratitude. We plead with our Father in Heaven to comfort Charlotte. We also know that any day she can still change her mind. This nagging bit of terror gets pushed into the back of my thoughts. We pray, perhaps a little selfishly, that she doesn't.

And that is how the first, of many, long sleepless nights began.

_____________________________

It is by many small and great miracles that Payton and Alyssa came to us. Looking back to certain events leaves no doubt in our minds that Heavenly Father's plan, from the beginning, was to place them with us. I could not bring their spirits to earth through my body, but Charlotte could. She, fortunately, had the wisdom and selflessness to trust her heart and chose to make one of the biggest sacrifices a mother can make for her unplanned baby, a plan of adoption. Charlotte wanted a mother and a father to raise her tiny babes. She recognized that her love for them was not all she hoped to give them. She desperately wanted more for them that she could give. She became our angel and will forever be part of our family. We love her and our children know that she loves them too.

Adoption is not selfish. It is the most selfless sacrifice a mother can make for her unplanned baby. It is a dream come true for the hopeful couple she chooses; and, gives her baby a stable, loving family and promising future. Adoption, however tragic it can seem, is a beautiful way to make things right again. Adoption blesses me daily through the joys of motherhood, a gift of which I will be eternally grateful for.

6 YEARS!!! We brought our babies home 6 years ago tonight! I LOVE being Mommy!

Our Adoption Story - Part 13 - Photos

Our Adoption Story - Part 11 - His Will

2011-03-17T11:20:00.004-06:00

Today was an exciting morning for the kids. They found leprechaun footprints across the living room rug! I encouraged the kids to hurry and get ready for school so we could start looking for the treasure that he surely left somewhere in the house. The rule in our house is that you have to be dressed and have your bed made before you can get on the bus --- otherwise we get to walk. (I like walking with them.) Alyssa's room was a disaster! I helped her as much as I could while I also dressed Payton, showered myself, prepared breakfast and had individual morning prayer with each. In the meantime --- Payton wouldn't get his few items in his room put away because he kept searching for treasure. "There's no gold downstairs!" Arrrgh! (Ok, I'll admit, that was really funny!) So, although the kids got their stuff done, it was just as the bus pulled up. Oh, well. I guess we'll try the hunt when they get home. So, now I'm off to the store to find corned-beef and cabbage for tonight's Irish meal. (Maybe I'll pick up some green Jell-O, too.)

I also decided to put this post up early today because I didn't get it up yesterday. But, it works out better this way (it's more the time frame that things really happened six years ago.) Tomorrow's post will finish Our Adoption Story.

Part 1 - Infertility
Part 2 - Waiting
Part 3 - A New Goal
Part 4 - Comfort
Part 5 - Chosen
Part 6 - Charlotte
Part 7 - Expecting
Part 8 - Shopping
Part 9 - Birthday
Part 10 - Hospital

March 16 and 17, 2005 (The two days that blended together.)

Arising early to go back to my babies, we are interrupted by the adoption agency's call. They asks us to meet them in their office. We drive there, but, somehow we end up talking to them in the parking lot with our ears both on my cell. They say, "One of you needs to have steady employment." I remind them about the income from our rental and assure them that we both have work. Eli works part-time doing work-study at the college. I can work part-time from home. We have separate money saved for the adoption. (We even got a small loan as a financial cushion --- for just-in-case.) They say, "It has to be a full-time job." They say, "The babies need medical insurance." I tell them about my visits to the Medicare office and the result. They tell us, "The babies can't leave the hospital without being insured." They tell us that we need to be insured. They ask if one of us can get a full-time job. My last job had asked me a few times to become a full-time employer. I was sure I could get hired back on full-time. Eli didn't want to start our family with me working and him at school. He feels very strongly about not bringing our babies home to a babysitter. We should be home with them. I agree, but, me working won't be permanent. Even if I did go to work, we'd still have the "insurance" problem. They say that if we, now, filled out an application for adoption with them, we wouldn't even qualify. I understood that everything had been updated and was in order! But, they have their rules. What about God's rules? He's the one in charge! We are so frustrated. I am physically upset. Every solution only brings another problem. They will NOT work with us. They can't work with us.

Finally, understanding comes --- they have no intention of letting us take the babies home. We hang up and pull into the parking lot behind their office. Oh, the excruciating PAIN inside my chest! The deep darkness swallowing me again. We cry like we have never cried before. I feel myself detaching from reality. After a while, we begin our long and painful drive home. We LEAVE OUR BABIES! I weekly remind myself that I don't want to miss my little brother's wedding. I need a new goal to focus on right now and it was to get there. It's a pitiful goal, because all I can think about is how we are turning our backs on the most incredible opportunity. I STILL WANT TO FIGHT! How am I going to put the pieces of my life (work, school, just living) back together again when I get home? I have no desire to move on. I feel so heavy.

But, what can I do? I plead in a silent prayer. I can't fight for them on my own. Eli has to want to fight, too. I had been so sure we would bring them home. Why? What was that whisper for? Must we try again? I think Eli's emotionally spent, he's done trying. But, I would try again... and again, and again! Just not now. All I can do now is put it in the Lord's hands. And suddenly I truly understand the significance of these words. We have done all we can do, if it is His will, He will help us with the rest! Surely, if they are meant to be ours, only HE can make it happen. Thy will be done --- not mine! I believe this. I know HE can make it happen if this is what should happen --- despite the reality of our situation. But, He might not.... Still, I take comfort knowing that it is God who is in charge, after all. Please, just let those babies go where You want them to be, where they will be deeply loved and cherished and brought up right.

Through tears, Eli says he's sorry. For what!?!? He says it's his fault because he didn't take school serious enough when we first got married and he kept dropping out of his classes and it brought us to the point of not bringing home the babies. But, he is going to school NOW! And there are 3 big companies wanting to hire him when he graduates in 4 weeks! No, it isn't his fault! From time to time we have to pull over because the tears get too heavy to see through. We cry until we can move on again.

___________________________

Entering the house, I see a large vase of white roses. Those were meant for a new mother and the reality that I am not a new mother hurts. I am trying, trying so hard, to hold the tears back. Through water-filled eyes, I sight the postcard that announces my acceptance into the nursing program. Today is the last day to accept my spot. I should get on that. But, I can't. I go to my room and cry instead.

Eli and I both request a priesthood blessing to get through this. Our bishop, who also has been doing all he can do to help the adoption go through, comes over. He and Eli's dad give Eli a priesthood blessing. He is counseled to not give up without exploring every option. That, and hoping Eli will heed that counsel is all I remember. The bishop keeps telling us, "There is Headquarter's way and then there's the Lord's way." I couldn't agree more --- those have been my thoughts exactly. My sister calls and suggests I go back to work full-time and take maternity leave. It might work... I don't understand "maternity leave" rules exactly, but I could find out. Eli's mom has been working with a cousin to see what he can do for us about catastrophic insurance. We schedule to meet with him in the morning.

We set up a plan-of-action for the next morning. I don't remember the exact order anymore, but it goes something like: Sign paperwork for Medicare for babies (thanks to my mother-in-law and the man in charge there). Sign paperwork for catastrophic insurance for us (thanks again to my mother-in-law). See about getting a full-time job with maternity leave (thanks to my sister's inspiration). We'll go back into town one more time if necessary. If we still aren't getting anywhere, we have to let go. We'll miss my brother's wedding, but I'll regret not doing everything possible to bring my babies home.

Charlotte had planned on a natural birth. Because baby girl didn't turn, she had had a c-section. Because of that, she had 4 days in the hospital to recover. So, the babies had 4 days in the hospital as well. That bought us time. (Another miracle?) Tomorrow, however, that time will be up.

Part 12 - Miracles

Leprechaun's Treasure Hunt

2011-03-16T07:10:00.007-06:00

I grew up with a love for treasure hunts. My older brother is the BEST treasure hunt maker! His are a real challenge. His treasure hunts don't have a lot of clues, but the ones he creates are HARD. I have tried to race my 2 sisters to the end before, but, I can't remember who won. All I remember is spending DAYS sometimes, trying to break codes without a key. It was hard and frustrating, so, when I did break them --- I was ecstatic!

My homemade treasure hunt isn't nearly so tricky (my hunters are only 6); but, it's not a piece of cake either. Hopefully, it will last a good hour or two. And, hopefully, it won't be too discouraging if they prefer something a little more fast paced. If your kids are up for a bit o'challenge --- mine might do the trick!

I've never gone out of my way to celebrate St. Patrick's Day other than to make sure I have some visible green on me somewhere. (Once, when I was little and not wearing green, my older brother had me so worried about getting pinched that when I went outside to ride my tricycle, I REALLY thought I was getting pinched!!!) I also happened to celebrate it twice with a friend and I remember her mom made green Jell-O and green punch. We probably had green beans too. We watched that leprechaun movie. A few years later I celebrated again with her and didn't even realize it was St. Patrick's Day until dinner rolled around and we were eating green Jell-O and drinking green punch again. We even watched that leprechaun movie again! I thought it was so neat that this was their tradition and I got to be part of it! How cool is that?

Eli's mom makes corned beef and cabbage. The recipes I have found haven't turned out all that wonderful, not that they were bad. It just seems like I've had better. Maybe it's because I always look for a crock-pot recipe. Perhaps you have something better you could share with me this year?

This year, I've created a treasure hunt for my kids, but I don't mind sharing it. A good friend inspired me to celebrate this boring green holiday before she moved away. So, this year I am going to cut out my own little green leprechaun feet. Instead of them leading to a treasure right off, it will lead them to the first clue in a tricky "Leprechaun Treasure Hunt" with fun activities and snacks along the way, and a Pot-O-Gold at the end of a homemade rainbow. I hope my two are up for a bit o'challenge. We'll begin it first thing in the morning and finish it after they get back home from school.

For those who are interested in giving my Leprechaun Treasure Hunt a try, here it is. (If you would like a .pdf of the hunt, leave your email address in the comments. I will be happy to sent it to you.)

*You will build a rainbow that looks like the one above with the clues, the colored circles lay on top of each other with the largest (red) on the bottom and the smallest (purple) on the top. The round decoder (small white circle) goes centered on the very top (I forgot to mention that part in Clue #8). Once those are stacked, make sure to turn each circle so that the shamrocks line up (on the right side). Finish with the "cloud" on the very top. Then, fold the whole thing in half along the shamrocks. Hold it up to a mirror to read the final clue, it will take you to the treasure "at the end of the rainbow" (Pair of Boots). Hope this helps!

Instructions & other info. --- Print on WHITE

Clue #1 (front) --- Print on WHITE


Clue #1 (back) --- Print on WHITE

Clue #2 (front) --- Print on RED

Clue #2 (back) --- Print on RED

Clue #3 (back) --- Print on ORANGE

Clue #3 (front) --- Print on ORANGE *WHOOPS! On 6 across I blacked in the last box. It's suppose to fit "clover."

Clue #4 (front) --- Print on YELLOW

Clue #5 (back) --- Print on GREEN

Clue #5 (front) --- Print on GREEN *WHOOPS! I didn't get "mold" into the word search. This clue is too hard for young kids, it's even tricky for adults. Sorry about that. (Next year's will be a little easier.)

Clue #6 (back) --- Print on BLUE

Clue #6 (front) --- Print on BLUE

Clue #7 (front) --- Print on PURPLE

Clue #7 (back) --- Print on PURPLE


Clue #8 (coin insert) --- Print on GOLD --- compass directions go with Clue #2

Clue #8 (pot envelope) --- Print on GREEN or WHITE

(leprechaun footprints) --- Print on GREEN (as many as you need)

EXTRA (compass directions) --- Print on GOLD or GREEN

Our Adoption Story - Part 10 - Hospital

2011-03-15T22:15:00.005-06:00

Part 1 - Infertility
Part 2 - Waiting
Part 3 - A New Goal
Part 4 - Comfort
Part 5 - Chosen
Part 6 - Charlotte
Part 7 - Expecting
Part 8 - Shopping
Part 9 - Birthday

March 15, 2005

The next morning we quickly shower, dress and eat. Eli finishes installing the car seats. I take pictures of everything for our babies to look back on when we tell them the story of this day. My picture taking is driving Eli nuts --- but, I feel compelled.

We previously purchased a heart-shaped locket for this day, for Charlotte to put pictures of her babies in, if she wants too. On our way out we stop at the town's flower shop. It feels so lame to pick out a bouquet for someone who is giving us so much more. I want it to be beautiful and something she can look at and maybe feel something good, perhaps a bit of our love for her. Not too big, not to fancy, but something special. I guess I don't really know what to get her that would express our gratitude. Finally, we choose a simple spring bouquet. It somehow seems fitting. I hope it is.

I hold the bouquet the entire long drive. My feelings about the flowers go back and forth. I am so anxious. Finally, we get there. Just through the hospital doors we meet Brenda, Charlotte's facilitator. (She is helping Charlotte through her adoption plan.) We follow her into an elevator and go up a few levels. As the elevator slows to a stop, the knots in my stomach tighten. Soon, we enter Charlotte's room. It's an awkward greeting. We must have given her the flowers. Two nurses roll the babies in. But, we have arrived too early. She wants her babies baptized first. Baptized!?!? I don't! (Of course, I don't say so.) We exit the room and wait. Being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we are taught babies are born innocent and I believe it! If they die before the age of accountability (8 years old) then they return straight back to live with our Heavenly Father. But, my faith is not hers. And they are not my babies --- yet. And, anyway, an infant baptism won't count for anything in my faith. As we wait, I calm myself, but, they don't baptize the babies. I don't know why not exactly, but I, secretly, am relieved.

Back in Charlotte's room, we get to hold them. I am afraid we are holding her babies too long, but we keep holding them. They are so beautiful and so tiny! Charlotte shows us pictures of the night before with her other two sons, Jesse (21) and Phillipe (19?), loving on them and saying good-bye to their precious new siblings. I decide it was good we didn't disturb that last night. (Thank you Eli for keeping us home!) Now, we get to take the pictures. But, this time, I hate taking the pictures --- I take them only because I still feel compelled. I want our babies to see this day. I want them to know it is a happy day for us. Charlotte asks to have both babies. I take a picture of her holding the two, not realizing what she is preparing to do. It's a beautiful picture. (This is the picture that will begin their baby album.) She then places her baby girl in Eli's arms and her baby boy in mine. I take more pictures as the meaning of what she just did sinks in.

A nurse comes in and we have to lay the babies back in their roll-away cribs. We start leaving too. I panic! I didn't say what I wanted to say! What did I want to say? I didn't know. I couldn't think. I check with Eli to confirm that this is the end of our visit. He nods. I looked back and see a tear stream down Charlotte's cheek. I want to run to her. Give her some sort of comfort that I can not give. We are leaving with her babies! Following the babies back to the nursery, I force those unpleasant feelings out of my mind. Wouldn't she want me to be happy? She made me their mother! My anxiety dispels with joy.

_______________________

(The rest of the week is a fuzzy memory. Some events may be slightly out of order, in fact, a whole day seems to have gone missing! The following is told the best I can remember it.)

We must have gone back out for the car seats because a nurse present us with the babies' tiny footprints and I set those memorabilia inside one of those. Both babies have the same flat foot. Inside the nursery, I first remember pulling out the little newborn-size gown my mother-in-law bought for the first baby girl (the first one we were going to adopt but didn't). It's long and white with pink trim and tiny pink flowers on the bodice --- it's beautiful. It's also way too big for her. In fact, everything I brought is too big --- except one little pink headband. I dress her in the gown anyway, because I have nothing better for her. Then, I am suppose to change her diaper with Eli and the nurse watching. She is so tiny with only a round rump --- no bum cheeks! My husband is so nervous for me that it seems to become an impossible task. But, I do it --- ever so carefully. Once accomplished, a nurse shows us the tiny milk bottles and lets us know how much they drink. The nurses already have them on a schedule. Baby boy eats first. 1/2 hour later, baby girl eats. They will need to be fed every 3 hours. I feel terribly guilty I can not give them mother's milk.

In the meantime, we are given forms to write their names on. Eli writes my middle name down for our girl and Charlotte for her middle name. Payton is a name Eli and I found in a baby name book (since he won't go for Joshua). I really wanted Ezekiel or, maybe, Andrew, instead. Eli asks me for the boy's name. I am to choose his? But, how can I choose on the spot? So, I choose the one we had picked together, Payton and Job after Eli's middle name. They are named now. But I can't seem to call them by the names we chose. I find myself calling my boy, Little Mister, instead.

A nurse sends us to a section of the nursery where we can be alone with the babies. We hold and rock them while admiring their newness. They feel like nothing and bundled in a blanket they look much too small. I can't get enough of their baby smell. There hair is feathery soft black with gentle waves. I am fascinated with Alyssa's crinkled and almost pointed ears. She is so beautiful --- like a little princess.

As I feed, change and rock my helpless babies over and over, a feeling of great responsibility overcomes me. I begin to see how these simple little tasks of love are never-ending and will become my life for months on end. I am already beginning to tire --- yet, I desire and welcome these feelings as a blessing from God. However, I do feel so ignorant and unqualified and I wish for my own mother to take my hand and give me step-by-step instructions. Knowing that other new mother's have started parenthood with little to no experience encourages me.

I hold my baby boy out in front of me. He opens his eyes and seems to take me in. As I stare back into his eyes, I make promises to do my best at being a good mom for him and his sister. I do want so badly to be good enough for them. It feels like we are speaking to each other's souls through our eyes. I feel a deep, deep love for them begin to grow inside of me. Eli tells of a similar experience he has while holding Alyssa.

We wait and wait and wait for them to release our babies from the hospital. A nurse tell us we can take a break whenever we want. We wait for the babies to go to sleep. But we can't break away from them.

__________________________________

Hours later, Brenda comes back. She says she needs to meet with us. Then, maybe we can go. We leave the twins nestled together in one little crib to visit with Brenda in an empty waiting room. She asks us about a 20-hours program we needed to have done. Since we aren't doing foster care, we thought it didn't need to be done. We frantically rack our brain for any type of parent training we have received over the past year. Fortunately, we have done several hours in our 20-hours workbook. It is easy for me to come up with more than 20 hours because of other books I have read. She gives Eli a new 20-hours workbook to work on.

We learn, through her, that LDS Family Services' Headquarters will not release the babies to us tonight. We decide to check into a motel before going back to our babies. It's hard leaving them at the hospital. We must have grabbed a bite for dinner. After we check into a motel we get a phone call. That's when the nightmare begins.

Somehow, we find ourselves talking with Brenda in her office. She asks us on a scale of 1 - 10 how upset we would be if we didn't bring home the babies. How can you measure that? 10? No, not 10. 20? "30! maybe 100," I respond. She says stuff about other children needing a home. But in my heart I know there won't be another time. My heart can't take anymore of this, at least, not anytime soon. We take our dispair back to the motel.

This just can't be right! I feel so let down. We thought that the adoption was good-to-go. We've had 2 adoption facilitators helping us get everything in order. Now, headquarters is telling us that there are plenty of couples ready to take these babies home now. They say our babies will go into foster care and then to another couple. How can they be so cruel! Why won't they work WITH us! They brought us here! I poor my heart into a letter to Headquarters about our desire to adopt, our entire financial situation (which seems to be the problem), including what we have in our mortgage, and how much I desire to be these babies' mom --- but it doesn't do a bit of good. In the meantime, Eli's mom is back at home doing what she can about the Medicare issue. I just want to go back and hold the babies, but, there's just too much stuff to be doing while my heart is breaking.

Part 11 - His Will

Our Adoption Story - Part 9 - Birthday

2011-03-14T22:55:00.002-06:00

Part 1 - Infertility
Part 2 - Waiting
Part 3 - A New Goal
Part 4 - Comfort
Part 5 - Chosen
Part 6 - Charlotte
Part 7 - Expecting
Part 8 - Shopping

Shopping for car seats is the worse. I work all day, then, spend my entire evening looking for the perfect infant car seats. Determined to find something tonight, I shop every store in the city, some of them twice. I am not excited about my choices, but, I finally choose a matching pair. In the morning, I try installing the seats. That evening, I insist Eli do the installing. I read and reread the instructions to make sure my poor husband does it exactly right.

March 14, 2005

Monday, I put in a full day at work and as I am finishing up the receptionist informs me that I have a call on line 1. I answer. My babies have been born --- 4 weeks early! They are healthy and all are doing well. I am confused because we were suppose to be called when she went to the hospital to deliver and I am so disappointed that I didn't know earlier. "Why?" But, I am too busing trying to find a scrap paper to jot down the rambled off details to ask. The boy was born first, he's just over 6 pounds, and, the baby girl, born 3 minutes later, weighs just under 6 pounds. I announce it to my coworkers and tell them good-bye. I won't be coming back. I'M A MOM! I drive home to get Eli and grab my little baby bag. Then, we'll be off to the hospital --- I can't wait to see them!

But... Eli wants to find new car seats. He doesn't care much for the ones I found. Fine! Let's go get some. We look and look and look. Oh, I am anxious to leave and don't want to be pushy --- but we are looking at all the same ones I have already looked at! Finally, he decides on a pair of matching, over-priced, Winnie-the-Pooh carriers. We go back home to install them. At home, we get a phone message telling us that they are waiting to see if the little girl will turn before they do a c-section. It seems kind of weird to me because we have already been told they are born. (It occurs to me now, as I write this, that the message must have been left earlier in the day.) The seats don't install quickly. It's getting late much too fast. WHY CAN'T WE JUST LEAVE! I can't stand this waiting! Finally, Eli tells me we're NOT going tonight. NOT GOING TONIGHT?!?! These are our babies! I want to scream, but, I don't want to fight, so I relent. We'll do it his way. As I change my focus and take a few deep breaths, I realize it has gotten really late. I certainly don't want to bother Charlotte at midnight. (Oh, how I do want to peek through the nursery windows though.)

My little brother will be getting married on Friday. I make arrangements to make it to that. Our sister-in-law will watch our babies while we are in the temple. (It turns out we need special permission from LDS Family Services to take the babies out of the state. So, we get that.) I try to pack a suitcase for the babies, but, there are so many extra little details to worry about now, and, since the adrenaline rush earlier --- I am tired! My mother-in-law will finish packing for the wedding part of the trip. However,m Eli does not want to travel with band-new babies. Me, I can't wait to show them off.

Part 10 - Hospital

Our Adoption Story - Part 8 - Shopping

2011-03-12T22:05:00.001-07:00

I'm on vacation and won't be able to post tomorrow (Sunday) so I am combining two post for tonight. (I will continue my story on Monday.) Reading and remenising over these crazy couple weeks 6 years ago, just makes me happy tonight --- I just reread, edited again, and found myself smiling. I hope you will be too. : )

Part 1 - Infertility
Part 2 - Waiting
Part 3 - A New Goal
Part 4 - Comfort
Part 5 - Chosen
Part 6 - Charlotte
Part 7 - Expecting

February

One day, and months too early, Charlotte begins to have contractions. She is given some medication to stop those and to help develop the babies lungs more quickly. It works. But, the next time she goes into labor, they will deliver the babies. That could be any day. Finally, we pull the crib out from the very back of our storage unit and rearrange our room to fit it in..

I also go to to the Medicare office a few times to apply for the babies health insurance, but they keep telling me that the babies have to be born first. There doesn't seem to be anymore I can do to change that. As much as I don't want to leave it unresolved, I do.

March

I am restless. To help pass time, and against Eli's wishes, I go shopping --- I HAVE too! All these adorable tiny outfits are irresistible. But, I still don't know whether to buy for boys, girls or one of each. I look and look, but neutral isn't what I want to bring our babies home in. I decide again that I just need to wait.

I send in another unanswered request to know the babies' gender. I go over my little bag of essentials (formula, bottles, bibs, pacifiers, diapers, wipes...) for the hundredth time. I want to leave when we are called, not trying to pull together the perfect little items at the last minute. I begin sewing tiny little yellow cloth diapers. (My mom is a great seamstress --- NOT me, but I find myself associating sewing with being a good mother.) I choose and order a waterproof material for the outside of the diapers, so I will have to save the rest of the sewing until it arrives. But, I come home from work to see that my good mother-in-law has taken to finishing the diapers for me. With the seams already sewn shut, I don't know how to sew the new material on. I know she means well, but I take my frustrated, ungrateful self to my room. A couple days later the waterproof material comes in the mail.

I still need to buy something for the babies to wear home from the hospital. This shopping trip I am resolute to find and buy something! Shopping for my babies is suppose to be fun and I do wish Eli would share this time with me. But, he still doesn't want to buy anything, not until we bring the babies home. I can't wait that long, my babies will wear something new, adorable, and matching home from the hospital --- because, that's how me, as a mother-to-be, wants to record bringing my precious babies home. That's how I want to show them off in our photo album and in emails. Our budget makes this trip stressful, at one point I'm tempted to throw a tantrum right in the middle of the Wal-Mart baby department. Finally, deciding against neutral, and choosing a few extra outfits of each gender, actually makes the shopping experience pleasant. I spend too much money --- but, I tell myself, it's ok because I'll be bringing half of it back --- to exchange for diapers and formula. I feel a little better prepared.

A couple days later I learn we are expecting a boy and a girl!

Part 9 - Birthday

Our Adoption Story - Part 7 - Expecting

2011-03-12T00:56:00.003-07:00

Part 1 - Infertility
Part 2 - Waiting
Part 3 - A New Goal
Part 4 - Comfort
Part 5 - Chosen
Part 6 - Charlotte

2005

This time, we feel very apprehensive and we decide not to tell anyone --- yet. Then, my sister-in-law announces she is pregnant and I can't help but share our good news with her and her mom. Otherwise, I don't really talk about it again until Christmas because Eli and I visit my family for the holidays. How can I not tell my family about the overwhelming excitement we are trying to endure?

January 6

On the big day, we choose a bouquet and meet the birth mother in the Albuquerque office. She is a Spanish lady, petite with a round tummy. Those could be our babies inside! Because of her circumstance, she will not be able to care for her babies in the way she wants. I can tell she carries a deep love for them. Her hope and desire is to give them more. Give them what she can not. She says, "I choose you. ... I am not going to change my mind." The exact words we heard only months earlier. Alarm bells are going off inside like crazy. I try to show excitement. I AM excited! But I am really scared, too. I can't internalize any of this. I want to know it is real first, but that will take more time and our meeting is NOW.

I cannot image dealing with the perdicament she is in. She is an incredibly unselfish woman to be able to recognize that adoption can give her babies a better life, and then, move forward with that decision. We want to give her babies all she hopes for them and more. If she does maintain her decision to place her babies, we pray that we will get that opportunity to raise them.

I make myself enroll in the spring semester, just in case the adoption falls through again. I enjoy all my classes. I study hard, but I'm very distracted. I can no longer help but be overly excited. One by one, I drop my classes again. How am I ever going to get through school this way? I do manage to take a test to see if I can get into the nursing program next year. I pick up more freelance work too.

Part 8 - Shopping

Our Adoption Story - Part 6 - Charlotte

2011-03-10T21:00:00.003-07:00

Part 1 - Infertility
Part 2 - Waiting
Part 3 - A New Goal
Part 4 - Comfort
Part 5 - Chosen

November 2004

One afternoon, home alone and wandering aimlessly with an intense yearning to mother, my cell rings. It feels dreamlike in that I already seem to know what it's about. On the other line, Mary asks if we would be interested in adopting twins. YES! I want to scream this because Eli and I had already discussed this very topic --- years ago! I don't have to check with Eli, I don't have to say, "I'll have to get back with you." I am flying high. But she brings me back down to earth, adding, "We just want to update your application because Mike said you had expressed interest in sibling adoptions in the past." Oh. True. Ok. Good-bye. In the back of my mind I just know something has to be up. I'm ever hopeful. I constantly remind myself that they'll let us know if this something needs our involvement. I decide not to tell Eli --- yet. No need getting his hopes up too if nothing comes of it. Besides, was this too soon? It wasn't very long ago when my little girl had been born and gone home with someone else.

December 15, 2004

Only few weeks later, a birth mother expecting twins requests to meet us! She has a letter for us at the LDS Family Services office and would we come get it? When we arrive, Mary hands us a fax with a short handwritten letter. It tells of her gifts for us. It's almost Christmastime, so I think that that is an appropriate way of putting it. I'm filled with excitement, and caution. I wish the happiness would burst from me because I can't get it out! We won't meet her until January 6 --- but, I want to jump back in the car and meet her NOW! The letter is signed, Charlotte. I turn to Eli and say, "I like her name." He nods.

Part 7 - Expecting

Our Adoption Story - Part 5 - Chosen

2011-03-09T23:26:00.000-07:00

Part 1 - Infertility
Part 2 - Waiting
Part 3 - A New Goal
Part 4 - Comfort

August 2004

Fall semester begins. Some days, while it's still sunny and warm in the afternoon, Eli and I eat on the campus lawn. It's on a day like this that I quickly swallow a bite of sandwich to answer my cell phone. Mary, from LDS family services, tells me that a birth mother, expecting a baby girl in four weeks, wants to meet us. Meet US! So she does. She "chose us" and she is "not going to change her mind." I can hardly believe our good fortune. Before we leave her, we have already named our baby to be, Hailey Shameeka.

Eli reminds me not to get too excited, but, it's hopeless. I share the voice I had felt about it being our time soon. I am confident this placement will go through. I go shopping. I can't stop day-dreaming about this unborn baby girl becoming part of our life --- part of our family! In mere weeks I'll be a mother! I'll have a daughter. A little black girl. She consumes my thoughts. I drop all my classes. Becoming a mommy is now my only focus. I find the cutest material with little pink roses to make crib bedding out of. I start sewing a beautiful matching little baby quilt to wrap my newborn in. Daydreaming and sewing, I pause to answer the phone. The birthmother has changed her mind. She has chosen to go through a different adoption agency. She chose another couple.

Shock. Denial. Despair. Longing. The emptiness. The deep, deep pain. In a weird way, the only comfort I receive is thinking about agency. Then, I consider how deeply her agency is hurting me --- surprisingly, I'm not angry, I just feel so lost and so empty. I hope she uses her agency to change her mind back again. After all, I still believe it's our turn. Surely, she'll change her mind back! Is this a test? There's an urgent feeling to do something... I just can't let my baby go! I am reaching, trying to hang on, but there's nothing for us to hang on to. All we can do is pray --- and PRAY we do. We fast. Many family members join us in our fast. But, she doesn't change her mind back to us.

September 2004

Her due date comes and goes. Still in a fog, I return the baby purchases. The boy behind the Target counter asks me why I am returning these items. Resenting the question and before thinking better of it, I respond, "There won't be a baby," and the finality of it suddenly hits. Another dam of tears brakes as I now stand impatiently waiting for my money.

On Sunday, a lady I don't know shows up in Relief Society every week holding her band-new, dark-haired, baby girl. I stare at her baby whenever I feel like I can get away with it. I am filled with self-pity and envy and thoughts of This is what it could have been like. I smile outwardly, but inside the sadness won't go away.

How does one deal with all this pain? I HAD felt a voice. Why? WHY!?!? I am drowning in blackness! I hurt so deep that I cry right out loud. I know Eli's parent's can hear my anguish, but I don't care and am thankful they don't come to console me. Finally, after this bitter release, I quiet down and begin to pray and pray. I pray so earnestly that I feel my spirit speak with God --- that's the only way I know to describe it. Yet, after all this, I still feel my answer is the same, that my time will be soon, really soon. When is really soon? God knows. And once again, I decide to take comfort in that feeling. Within my turmoil, I now feel a small sense of peace again. For now, I just need to let time pass.

I need to fill that time. I work as much as possible. It's the best way to bury my emotions; but, sometimes, those feelings still get the best of me. I feel Eli distance himself from me. It's hard because I really need him close. I don't consider what he needs. I can't --- even though I should. But, he has his parents now.

Part 6 - Charlotte

Our Adoption Story - Part 4 - Comfort

2011-03-08T22:10:00.000-07:00

Part 1 - Infertility
Part 2 - Waiting
Part 3 - A New Goal

July 2004

Now that we are moved and settled into a bedroom at the end of my in-laws doublewide, Eli and I learn that we have to have our recently updated adoption paperwork, updated again. Our case-worker, Mike, was in the ward we just moved from. His wife, Jenny, and I were visiting teaching companions. Eli and I tried our best not to bring up adoption during personal time, but, they both knew we are anxious about it happening. Mike comes over to do the home-study of my in-laws' home. Boy do I feel awkward opening up all their closets for him to inspect, especially ones I've never peeked into myself, one of which is their bedroom closet.

After the home inspection, Eli, Mike and I stand in Mom's kitchen talking about other related topics. One question I had read to ask adoption agencies was how often they "placed." I decide to ask. Between their office and Albuquerque's, they have placed 13 times in the last year and a half. Mike continues talking about their success, but, I'm not listening. "13 times is it! There are so many more couples then that hoping to adopt," I lament behind a calm face. Your time will be soon, I hear me tell myself. Why would I tell myself that? WHY WOULD I LIE TO MYSELF? I demand angrily but silently. That's when a dam of tears breaks. It's embarrassing, but, try as I might, I can't stop 'em. Now, Mike is trying to give words of comfort, I think, because I still can't hear him.

That evening, I wonder again why I would tell myself, "Your time will be soon." I begin to consider that it was not me, that perhaps, I had heard the Still Small Voice. This acknowledgement feels right and an unmistakable peace fills me deep down inside everywhere. I keep these thoughts inside as I allow myself to now take comfort from those words.

Because we are now living with Eli's parents, they are busy doing stuff for a possible adoption, too. Stuff like having their fingerprints done and having background checks performed. Eli's dad buys a big fancy gun safe and I feel immensely guilty about that expense, considering we will move out before it becomes a necessity.

I didn't think about it at the time, but my my in-laws did everything they needed to so that we wouldn't miss out on an adoption opportunity. They rearranged their lives for us. They put up with my extreme emotions. They invested themselves in our greatest desire. And Eli's mom prepared breakfast for us every morning.

As the semester ends and I show Eli my awesome grades, he realizes that I took 10 hours and tells me that the school wasn't suppose to let me take that many hours in the summer. Summer classes go twice as fast and so it was like I had taken 20 hours! Oh! and I had meant to take it easy that semester! Wahoo! I aced 2 out of 3 class. (At least I passed the horrible technical writing class anyway!)

Part 5 - Chosen

Our Adoption Story - Part 3 - A New Goal

2011-03-07T21:24:00.000-07:00

Part 1 - Infertility
Part 2 - Waiting

Spring 2004

LDS Family Services tells us the average wait for a couple to adopt a baby is approximately 18 months. As years slip by and we have no luck with adopting a newborn, I begin searching the internet for adoptable children and sibling groups. We request information, at different times, on seven different available children. Nothing. I need something to distract me. I consider a career change from graphic designer to nurse or radiologist. I start taking classes at the college.

I'm not sure when we begin seeing a fertility specialist an hour a way. But, he has me try one more round of Clomid at the highest dose. He monitors me closely and is able to determine through an ultrasound that Clomid is not going to work for me. Then we buy expensive medicine ($50 a shot of the low dose. The price goes up from there). For 10 consecutive nights, Eli diligently gives me those $50 shots. We visit Dr. Fertility a lot, sometimes nightly. Ultrasounds are done to track the egg development. On round two, with a higher dose, Dr. Fertility, Eli and I watch an egg develop inside me. He gives me a shot of Progesterone in my shoulder and we are sent home. We have high hopes. The end result --- not pregnant.

May 2004

Eli (finally) gets serious about school too. His parents invite us to live with them so Eli can attend school full-time. I will not consider this option at all... at least I didn't for a day. I know we can take care of ourselves while we go to school, but then I begin to recognize this as an opportunity for Eli to really focus on school and get it done. Once we decide to take his parents up on their offer we are packed and moving in with them within the month. Fortunately, we have our car paid off and our home rents out quickly, to a traveling nurse --- and we're able to rent most of our furniture to him too. (Saving on moving time and storage cost.) All-in-all, we profit almost $400 a month from this arrangement. Every little bit counts now.

All the baby stuff I had collected went to the very back of the storage unit. I am placing that dream on hold for now. (Fertility treatments are also put on hold.) I have two part-time jobs, one at American Classifieds as a graphic designer and one doing free-lance graphic design work for a printing press. Eli quits his full-time job as a windshield installer --- that ends his income and our health insurance. We hope for the best as we start college full-time.

Summer semester is intense for me. Eli begins work-study as a lab assistant. I only take 10 hours, so I can work too, but it is hard! Especially my technical writing class. We get to eat lunch on campus together. We study a lot.

Part 4 - Comfort

Our Adoption Story - Part 2 - Waiting

2011-03-06T21:05:00.000-07:00

Part One - Infertility

Instead of pursuing adoption, I start taking fertility drugs, beginning with the AWFUL, HORRIBLE Clomid (Clomiphene Citrate). My hormones are not use to being messed around with and I am already emotional. I feel C-R-A-Z-Y ! Everything that bothers me seems ten times worse --- I don't keep it to myself either.

One evening, Eli and I have a serious talk about a multiple pregnancy. What if I get pregnant with four, five or six babies? That's not likely on Clomid, but it does increase the possibility of twins. Eli's concern is intense. But, I can not image being forced to decide which of my babies will live or die. What if they have serious health complications? What if, what if, what if... I just want to hope for the best. What if it's me with the serious complication? I'm sure I would risk it, but that's when I realize Eli's concern is for my well-being, once I understand that, I am emotionally touched and feel a deeper love for him grow within me, but still, I can only hope for the best.

We put off doing another round of Clomid. The next time through it Mr. 2Good2B-True is golden. It's Valentine's and he celebrates it all week. We eat out a lot so I don't have to cook and clean. He buys me a dozen red roses and a chocolate rose. He'd meets me for lunch! In the evenings, we relax next to a cozy fireplace and watch movies with 3 dogs at our feet. It feels like date night every night, almost like when we were dating --- but, so much better! Just remembering this time spent together fills me with love for him.

Eventually, when Eli's ready, too, I go back to LDS Family Services and pick up a new packet of adoption paperwork. This time we fill it out together: ethnicity, doesn't matter, each is God's child; male or female, doesn't matter either. We pause for a moment on "single" or "multiple." We had to pay more for multiples so Mr. Bread-Winner decides we'd better check the "single" box. Feeling panic overcome me for limiting our choices, I question, "If for some strange reason we are given the opportunity to adopt twins, we wouldn't say no, would we?" He agrees that we wouldn't. Instant relief. Next came a forever long list of medical issues. Mostly, we just want "healthy." As awkward as it sounds, we consider choosing our baby's health as one of the perks to adopting.

Background checks, fingerprints, financial status, employment, references, health care... you name it, we fill out a form for it. Some things must be notarized. Other things paid for with money orders. But, the hardest part is the letter we write to the birth mother. This is really important because it goes into a book with several other letters written by hopeful adopters. It has to catch her attention and touch her heart --- then, maybe, if we're really lucky, she'll choose us. We write and rewrite it, but it doesn't get any better, or more exciting. It is still about a couple, overly focused on starting a family and taking life much too seriously.

2001

Almost a year later Eli and I complete our paperwork and begin the endless waiting. In the meantime, I research PCOS. I read books about adoption. I work a lot. We remodel our home. I dream of rocking my baby and hearing their laughter in this home. I want it to be ready when our opportunity comes. But the only opportunities to have children in our home is when Eli's sister brings hers over for me to watch. This is the best type of therapy. Sometimes I even get to have them over to decorate our Christmas tree and bake cookies. My love for her kids just keeps on growing. I wonder why my friends never let me watch their kids. I finally assume that parents don't feel comfortable leaving their kids with friends that don't have kids of their own. That is hard for me.

I cry a lot. Not all the time. At random times. At church. At family Christmas parties. Mostly at night when Eli is with me. I know he tires of it, but he hangs in there. He never blames me for any of it. He doesn't have too. His mom is ruthless though. She's convinced I'll get pregnant and isn't afraid to say so. I hate it.

I take so many pregnancy tests that one time I forget about one I had set up on the tank. Eli finds it awhile later. It's POSSITIVE! I tell myself, and then him, that it must be wrong because it was sitting for so long. But I am physically SHAKING! It is Sunday --- but I just HAVE to go to the store for another test. This one is negative. I drink a big glass of water and go back to the store for another test. This time I buy a two-in-a-box. Still negative and now I am crying --- again! Every "not pregnant" puts me in a depressed mood, but this time I hit bottom. I HATE pregnancy tests! I've peed on enough sticks that the next time Eli suggests I take one, I retort that I'd rather pee on a 10 dollar bill and throw that away than see another "not pregnant" result.

That doctor that diagnosed me so quickly, the one I like, she moves away. I begin seeing other doctors, but they all want to start somewhere new. One says I don't have PCOS because I'm not fat enough. She has an x-ray done on my tubes. They are fine. One says I don't look like I have PCOS, that those ladies can be picked out from a crowd, but he does an ultrasound and confirms that I do --- he makes me feels so stupid and I leave his office in tears. I never go back to see him. One suggests an herb store. We go there. They all suggest either Clomid or birth control. I have better luck finding information on the internet --- but all that reading and knowledge doesn't make me fertile.

Part 3 - A New Goal

Our Adoption Story - Part 1 - Infertility

2011-03-05T23:12:00.000-07:00

I really, REALLY want to post old snapshots with this story! Hopefully, a more diligent search will procure the discs (unfortunately, I've been having issues uploading photos since Christmas time --- that's just one more huge task I have got to get to in the next couple weeks, along with a birthday party, a tricky Leprechaun treasure hunt (of which I'm really excited about and hope to be able to share with anyone interested) and, possibly, a day at court (dreading this), and this all will lead me into a full week of work. When I get caught up with all that, I hope to produce a bunch of mini posts, with pictures, about my children --- which is ultimately what this blog is suppose to be about. (However, I truly have enjoyed blah, blah, blahing, about whatever, on this blog lately.)

So, back to Our Adoption Story. I have wanted to write this for the past 6 years. I have attempted it many times, but usually get stuck and give up. This time I forced myself to finish. I have decided to break it up because it's long --- I wanted to include as many details as I could possibly remember --- for my children. I am posting it in it's entirety because I simply don't want to rework it right now. I am sharing it because I have been asked to share our story by different friends who are also hopeful adopters --- and because I want to. For me, it's an incredible story to tell. However, words have failed me throughout my telling and, someday, I hope to rewrite it with better words. If that day never comes, at least we'll have this.

--- Part 1 - Infertility ---

1980s

Once upon a time, 5 little girls imagined up, and played out, various little fantasies during their long, lazy afternoons in the heat of summer. I was one of them. Often, we'd pretend we were dirty and unloved orphans. Sometimes, mystical, but, motherless mermaids; other times, abandoned kittens --- a bath would reveal our soft, shimmering fur. Even our Barbies were orphans. No matter the character, we'd start out dirty, poor and mistreated. Eventually, we'd escape from the "bad guys" and struggle to make it on our own --- which never lasted long because everyone noticed how beautiful we were and would give us free stuff or just plain throw money at us.

So, naturally, I began to wonder about real orphans. Some could live with us! An excited and hopeful child now, I took my solution straight to my mom. "Mommy, why don't we adopt some kids?" Her answer, "I can't even take care of all the kids I have!" We only have 5 including me (number 6 was yet to come), not to mention her full-time job outside the home as well — "No BIG deal!" my child-size brain retorted silently. I hoped that one day I will adopt.

Over time, my view of adoption matured and my desire to adopt moved to the background. I had to meet my man first!

1996

Fast forward at least a decade and then some... to when I meet this man of my dreams. He is perfect in every way. You know the old saying "Too good to be true, usually is?" I try to keep that in mind but he fails to prove it right. Sure, it's only been a few weeks since we started dating, but I had fallen in love before, so, I knew this was love --- but, this time --- love is even better.

One day while walking hand-in-hand, our conversation turns to how many kids we each want. Embarrassed to admit I'd be happy with a dozen, I say 7 or 8 (secretly hoping he'd want more!) He wants less! (5 or 6). Dismayed for only a moment, I wonder if the number of children really matters if I have him. Perhaps we'd have little boy versions of him... now that would be something! Then, remembering my childhood promise, I ask him if he'd ever considered adopting. (Perhaps these could be in addition to the number he's considering?!?!) I at least have to know how he feels about it.

He is fine with adopting! I am thrilled! Oh, a few stipulations, such as we ought to raise children first so that we could have some experience behind us... then we'd adopt. Ok. Sure! Whatever... as long as it is a possibility!

August 1999

Fast forward through the next couple years, a marriage proposal and a looooooong 9 month, long distant engagement... to the week before I get married. I go to see the doctor for a premarital. He suggests that we might want to see a specialist if we have trouble conceiving.

I read between the lines. He has just pronounced my greatest fear. I can't have kids! (Ok, he didn't actually say can't — but I do get dramatic about things I don't like.) Numb, I dial Eli's number, but once I start speaking, my voice breaks and I almost can't blurt out the bad news. After my admission of being broken, I feel an urgency to remind him it's not too late for him to find someone else --- someone whole. I'm not sure that he actually takes me all that serious. But he manages to calm me down and convince me that he still loves me. He's sure it will all work out fine. I put my trust in him and hope he is right because --- I JUST DON'T KNOW! However, I do know that I love him and I fear I could take away his chance at creating children.

1999 - 2000

A wedding to Mr. 2Good2B-True, and another year later, not pregnant and another doctor's visit... this time to find out why. Doctor makes a diagnosis of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and hands me a booklet. Glancing at the title, the word "infertility" unexpectedly, stabs through me. She sends me off to have blood work done to confirm her diagnosis.

The white-coated man with the needle can't find a vain in my arm. He keeps saying he doesn't want to draw it from my hand because it will hurt. After his fourth poke he tells me he's going for the dreaded hand draw. The energy drains quickly from my head and I tell him I need to lie down. He proceeds anyway. I wake from a deep sleep, disoriented because there is pressure on my head and I am leaning forward face down. I begin to realize my head is actually being held up against Mr. Needle's stomach. He calls to Eli to come back to be with me. He humorously tells him all about the dorky position my body went into as I passed out. The two men have a good laugh on me as he draws blood now from my other hand. I am still sitting, I feel physically awful, and, now, I am thoroughly annoyed.

We get home. My energy still sapped, I crawl into bed. I crave a milkshake and hamburger. My good husband heads out to make me happy and comes home with a strawberry slushy from Sonic. Unappreciatively, I say, "I don't want this." I want to send him back out, but I don't. I shouldn't be having such a hard time recovering from that little incident anyway. I take a few sips for visual gratitude and go back to sleep. My arms and hands are all bruised. The blood work confirms the previous diagnosis.

Shortly after the doctor visit, I come home with some adoption paperwork. I really want to get going on it, but, for whatever reason, Eli does not. I am terribly upset, I finally tear up the paperwork before crying myself to sleep.

Part 2 - Waiting

Kindergarten Possitives

2011-03-01T22:01:00.000-07:00

I feel bad leaving my last post sounding so negative about kindergarten. So, this post is to help me see all the positives of sending my kids to kindergarten.

My kids get to ride the bus.
Their teacher sings with her students and my kids LOVE it!
Alyssa is at the top of her class with her writing skills.
Payton is READING! YEAH! (I seriously thought I was going to have to make more of an effort to get him going.)
They are so excited to share birthday treats with their classmates.
They're making new friends.
I hear Alyssa really enjoys math too and is always right there participating with her group.
The school is very quick to contact me when my child throws up.
They LOVE the treasure box.
They LOVE library day.
They seem to like the structure and routines provided there.
Each student gets to have their own water bottle at their table. (I love that they are making it possible to keep these kids hydrated.)
If a students needs to use the bathroom they hold a fist in the air and their teacher will nod to let them go. The student then sets a timer and runs off to use the bathroom. They have to beat the timer getting back to class. I've watched this in action and it works great!
I love that the students take turns having different responsibilities in the class.
I love that they give Payton gloves on the playground when his get left at home.
The adults know my kids --- and me!
The kids have lots of opportunities to succeed. (For example, Alyssa was recognized as a "Bucket Filler" meaning she filled someone with good feelings --- however, she can't remember what it was she did! They also work towards certain goals and have class parties when they reach them. My kids love these.)

I will add/refine to this list as other ideas come up, but I think this is a good start.

Kindergarten Blues

2011-02-27T23:46:00.000-07:00

It's no secret that I am disappointed with my children's kindergarten teacher. She's new and she's not the teacher I requested. (I've decided to write about this because I just really need to get it off my chest once and for all.)

At the beginning of the year Payton and Alyssa would report on how many times she yelled at their class each day. It concerned me. I listened to all they had to say about school, overall, they liked their teacher. However, it made me sad that Alyssa would take it upon herself to draw smiley faces and put them in the parent/teacher communication folder, to "remind my teacher to be happy."

At first, the teacher didn't want any help in her classroom, she wanted to establish rules and routines on her own. I heard from others at the school that she ruled her students with an iron thumb. Again, I was not impressed.

The class often has substitutes so that she can continue her teacher education. About halfway through the year the principal subbed and decided a pencil or two needed to be taken and broken to maintain order in the classroom. Alyssa told me all about it because it bothered her. "Thankfully, she's only a sub," I thought. Then, I heard that pencils were now being broken by their teacher.

February was a rough month for my kids, especially for Alyssa.

One day, Alyssa told me some of her friends' pencils got broken. For the first time, she told me her teacher was mean. Being the sensitive and compassionate girl she is, this was eating at her. The next day she was very upset when I picked her up from school. Her teacher had broken her pencil. An image entered my mind of the teacher pulling Alyssa's pencil out of her little fingers, snapping it in half and tossing it into the garbage while the entire class watched. That is too harsh for my kindergarten baby. I considered this the entire evening.

Now, I get that it's just a pencil. I get that those are cheep. But, who's paying for them? Not the teacher. Parents aren't buying pencils so the school can punish their children with those. I don't break my children's belongings at home and I don't want their teacher breaking their belongings at school. I am trying to teach my children to take care of their stuff. Don't teachers learn appropriate disciplinary techniques in school? Don't they learn that they don't have to be mean to 5-year-old students to get them to do what they want? If I find myself getting so upset over something that it effects my kids negatively, then I know I have to find a new approach. What she's doing is just plain mean.

I have had it with that teacher! I want to keep my babies home with me. I want to put them with a different teacher. But, neither of those are choices for me.

The next morning I put the kids on the bus, even though, understandably, Alyssa does not want to return to school. I then go about my morning duties and discovered a broken pencil on the living room floor and then another on on the laundry room floor. Only Payton would go that far. He was acting out. It must bother him too to have watched his twin's pencil get snapped. I wanted to hug him close to me and protect him too. Classroom discipline should not cause problems at home.

I put my concern up on Facebook and found that this teacher's actions effected other mothers similarly. It was good to have my feelings validated and I intended to talk to the teacher the following Monday. But, by Monday, I had chickened out and decided not to act on it. I felt like such a wimp.

A few days later, Alyssa tells me that some kids at school told her and Payton that they were going to hurt them real bad when they got out outside. Further questioning revealed it was the three girls that she usually plays with --- her FRIENDS! She didn't seem to know why they said that. My babies are in KINDERGARTEN! Why can't they just have a good, fun year? But the more I thought about it, it occurred to me that it most likely had to do with the "Bullying" play they had gone to see and the girls were probably acting out from that. But, still, why doesn't the teacher say anything to me? I'm their MOM! (Which reminds me that no one ever bothered to inform me when Payton fell from the top of the big slide at the beginning of the school year. Do they think mom's aren't interested in their child. I know I am!)

Anyway, it occurred to me that over the previous couple weeks, Alyssa had told me about a few occasions that her friends (the same three girls) were also being mean to some of the other kids in her class. After asking more questions I learned that she had told them that so-and-so were her friends and not to be mean to them. I wondered if this is why they turned on her that day.

Back at home, I was asked to create a bunch of posters for a ward dinner/activity night. I went out to the garage to find some poster board I had bought awhile ago and discovered an old, fat, big black crayon, which actually made me happy because this would come in handy to outline the images. I brought it in and placed it on a cluttered counter top, hoping my kids would not discover the new crayon. Unfortunately, I later discovered it again all over a child-size chair and bedside table in my daughter's room. I was angry with her and myself. I reminded her for the 100th time that, "Crayons belong at the kitchen table, on paper!" I told her, "It all needed cleaned up!" Then, I went too far with a selfish demand, "Do not touch MY crayons!" (blushing now) Alyssa put it back on the counter all right, after she broke it in half. Hmmmm... I didn't have to wonder who she learned that from.

Last week, I went to help in my children's classroom. Alyssa had a pencil grip that she bragged about to her classmates at her table. I thought it was cute that she was so excited about it. The next day I picked up, this now very whiny, girl from school. I asked her what happened and lots of other questions to piece together the whole story. I learned that she had earned enough points to choose that pencil grip from her teacher's treasure box. This day, she had put it on her finger. Her teacher exclaimed, "That is not a finger toy," took it from her and threw it away. So --- the students earn points for treasures, but then the teacher can toss it if it bothers her? That's just lame! As far as I can tell, Alyssa was totally playing with --- discovering --- a pencil grip at a kindergarten level.

Last week, Alyssa came home with a note from one of her friends. It was an apology from one of the girls that threatened her. It was good to know that the threat had not gone completely ignored.

Last Friday was parent teacher conference. The poor teacher totally open the door when she asked me first thing, "Do you have any concerns about your kids at all?" I was not intending to say anything --- but I did. I said, "I'm not really sure about the breaking the pencil thing because I'm not in the classroom all the time, but, when Alyssa got hers broken it really upset her. I noticed it bothered Payton too because I found broken pencils at home." Her response, "This shocks the kids." Uh, ya?! (I've decided over the past five years that shocking young children isn't necessary!) Me, "It seems to me that it teaches kids that it's okay to break other people's things." Her, "Some kids need to be shocked. It's very effective at getting their attention." Ya, effective in proving that you're bigger. What's it gunna take to shock them later in life? Anyway, I felt she wasn't hearing my concern and I could feel myself getting ready to take her on so I slowed down and tried to word my retort as nicely as I could. "Breaking their pencils seems to show disrespect. It kind of comes off as bullying." I just called her a bully! Ya, I didn't word it as nicely as I would have liked. Her, "I will make sure Payton's and Alyssa's pencils don't get broken in the future." Me, "Thank you." So, I didn't win it for all the kids, but at least mine will be spared. I hope she'll reconsider her technique, but, I'm pretty sure she won't get past the part where I called her a disrespectful bully.

I quickly informed her that my children were reading really well and that Alyssa's reading seems to have just taken off. I thanked her for that. I was careful to continued the compliments because I really didn't want her to feel bad. I continued to remind myself that she's not a terrible teacher, it's her first year, she doesn't have any children of her own, and, I don't have a classroom of my own.

Today, I reported this to a good friend. She listened. But she did not not agree with my assessment that the teacher is good at teaching reading and writing. Her response, "Any teacher that belittles and shames her students to keep control of her classroom does not belong in there." Very well stated! And she's right! I agree with every word. I can use those words myself! And I took those to heart, "Any parent that belittles and shames her child to keep control of them should not be parenting that child." I contemplated my own mistakes as a parent and wished I could do-over the past five years with her words in the back of my mind. But, I will just have to adjust now to comply with the words of my new parenting rule.

I thanked my Heavenly Father for allowing me a glimpse into the heart of this wise mother and pray that I can become a better mom because of it --- I have so much to learn and so much to protect.

"The Great Health Debate" Summary of Speakers 9 & 10

2011-02-12T00:39:00.001-07:00

My kids had the day off school so we cleaned our floors with the incentive of signing valentine's for their class party on Monday. So, while they sucked on candy hearts and clipped paper hearts, I sat at the same table and listened to the last 2 speakers of this event.

The first speaker, Dr. J. E. Williams, was the most boring, perhaps because he didn't bring up new ideas. Which made him the most realistic on getting a good diet without going to extremes. Of course, you would still want to be aware of the type and quality of food you put into your diet. After raising his family vegetarian, becoming a raw-foodist and then Vegan, he eventually ate some meat again. And he felt good! After that, he came to the conclusion that adding a small amount of meat back into the diet only made for a healthier body. He noticed his kids health, although already healthy and never sick, seemed to improve with the small addition of meat.

Williams travels the world in search of natural cures and medicine. He studied with some of the most secluded groups of people (Eskimos, hunters that eat almost entirely animal and also eat the entire animal to the Q'ero who eat almost exclusively carbohydrates --- both extremely healthy and fit) in order to learn from their ways that have be passed down through generations.

About raw-foodist, he says this is a good way to drop your cholesterol level but it will eventually drop way too low. You can survive on this type of diet, but not thrive, and does not recommend it at all for women of childbearing age. He recommends eating meat to produce a healthy offspring.

He advises, rather, to be a "Consious Omnivor." To do this, an average American would need to eat less: meat, salt, sugar, processed food and bad fats. Whole fresh live foods, and a little fruit should be our main diet.

He also believes that the food sensitivities that many people are experiencing are from a variety of races, foods and chemicals all coming together --- that all this is too overwhelming for our bodies to handle.

And finally, Dr. Alan Goldhamer, uses water/juice fasting as a major source of healing --- his patients having had remarkable success through this technique at his therapuetic fasting center of 28 years. I would love to take my first childhood friend, myself, and our husbands to this place for a month and come back home with a better, maybe cured, body and a set of tools for eating a healthy diet. I wish... but I suppose it is more feasible that I figure out how to eat right on my own. I would also like to purchase his new cookbook, Bravo, when it comes out. (That would be feasible!) He is convincing!

The diet is purely vegetarian. It doesn't allow for anything processed. "Processed health food is a marketing ploy from people pretending it is good for you. These people just want to charge a lot for an inexpensive item because they can say it's healthier." This means the healthy oils, including olive oil; all salt, including Tamari Sauce (which we use and love) and sugar. He goes on to explain that processed oil, sugar and salt form a highly addictive combination, as addictive as cocaine and alcohol. The food companies know this and use it to their advantage. Rats put on this type of diet gain 49% more weight in only 60 days and birds will eat so much that they can't fly. Then he recommends his book "The Pleasure Trap" which I would love to read (maybe while I'm resting in that fasting center...).

Anyway, a typical breakfast would be a big bucket of fruits and seeds. Lunch and dinner would include a large salad with dark leafy greens (so large that someone walking into the room would be shocked that you are going to eat all of that), a platter of steamed starchy vegetables and maybe a small amount of cooked grains. I'm not too sure about this diet, although, it partly sounds real good. On his site a suggestion was made to get a crock pot and put 1/2 a cup of beans and 1/2 a cup of rice (and water) in it and let it cook on low overnight. That way you have soup all day and it stays good for 72 hours. I can do that! Oatmeal is also allowed (so rolling oats is not making those processed?) At this point, though, I'm convinced that adding a little quality meat would be fine.

As for salad, I don't like salad! I hate making salad --- all that endless washing and chopping! I make it for Eli. Eli loves vegetable salads. I eat salad purely for it's nutrients --- that's why I use spinach and Romain lettuce and refuse to use iceburg lettuce. I even pass on Ranch dressing if there's a healthier option. If I'm going to make the effort to eat all those raw vegetables, then it better be good for me. Perhaps, when I'm detoxed, I'll crave vegetables again instead of bread. (However, that still wouldn't make all the chopping and rinsing go away!)

I would like to post a review with my plan of action with it, but it's late and the weekend has started, so it will have to wait for another day.

"The Great Health Debate" Summary of Speakers 7 & 8

2011-02-10T22:18:00.001-07:00

My head is exploding with all sorts of conflicting information that I really don't have much of a desire to blog about it. So, hopefully, this will be a really short blog and I won't get all opinionated along the way.

I looked forward to hearing from David Wolfe because I recently discovered that he is the big guy behind promoting the raw food diet. He doesn't eat meat --- "Killing brings about bad Karma." He calls eating raw meat a "silly extreme." (I've personally have only wished for raw milk --- especially once I learned that heating the milk changes the protein into one our body cannot metabolize. But, currently, I'm not convince milk, either way, is a good choice anymore.) He also says that if you do eat meat, do so sparingly. He encourages us to limit our exposure to: mutigans (I'm assuming GMOs), carcinogens, bad Karma and unknowns in our diet.

The main idea is to switch our meat calories to raw food calories. One of his SuperFoods, marine plankton, is full of chlorophyll, EPA and DHA, a range of phospholipids (meat sources are: lecithin, found in egg yolk; bee products such as Royal Jelly (good for fertility) and bee pollen; and something else I didn't catch.) He also gave a list of vegetarian sources of proteins: marine (krill and muscle) oils for a successful vegetarian, Royal Jelly, bee pollen, blue-green algae, goji berries, maca berry (good for hormone balance and menstruation), phytoplankton and incan berry.

His theory on acid/alkaline foods is that herbs and SuperFoods are alkaline and all the rest are acidic or neutral and that it is important to keep a balance between the two. For example: nuts and seeds are the opposite of vegetables, stems, leaves and roots. Therefore they should be eaten together. Another example would be eating rice and beans together. He says that if you eat meat, you must eat the bone marrow as well, which he doesn't encourage because of all the toxic build up in the bones. And, olives are an excellent alkaline fat source.

Over time your stomach will shrink and it will be able to better utilize the nutrients. "The less you eat, the longer you live," seems to be well-known with everyone that's into health and nutrition. If we want to live longer we need to "be careful what we put in our bodies and protect it from the 75,000 toxic chemicals that we have dumped into our environment since the 1930s."

Some ways to detox our bodies of these toxins are to use designer and normal detoxes which include colonics and month long herbal detox programs. (He says some good ones are Euguva, Health Force, Blessed Herbs and Rise and Shine.) Also, use hot and inferred saunas to sweat it out. (I've heard that that is the only way to remove plastic toxins, but that you can sweat those out by exercising. Maybe a sauna is better at making you sweat?) You can also use Vitamin B3 in 200 mg/500 mg/1000 mg dosages, but I'm not sure how often. 1000 mg supposedly makes you feel like your dying! Combine the vitamin with using a rebounder. Fasting is also a good way to detox. Same as juice fasting and his favorite way to do that is with citrus fruits or apples.

"Digesting is the #1 energy zapper" and raw fermented chocolate (and here for you chocolate lovers) is the #1 longevity food! (Olives and honey are also really good longevity foods.)

Ok, onto Daniel Vitalis, he use to be a vegetarian, turned raw foodist and eventually Vegan, but found it didn't work for him. He informs us that cooking vegetable properly (not microwaving or frying) releases more nutrients, making those foods more nutrient dense, but still, animal nutrient density is 10 times higher because they have already eaten the grass and now those nutrients are compacted in their meat. So now he takes the hunter/gather approach and forges for his own wild greens and hunts wild animals. (He's done a lot of research to learn how humans have eaten throughout history and says we have always eaten animals.) I'm not really sure how much meat he eats, but he never says to eat it sparingly and says that wild greens aren't enough. He does insist on you eating your meat from your local wild whenever possible, otherwise, find a good healthy local source for an heirloom quality healthy animal. He just bought himself a grass-fed cow and intents to eat the entire animal, tongue and all! (The idea of doing that myself just isn't going to happen.)

He says, just as a vegetarian wants to avoid pour quality and genetically altered plants, you also don't want your meat source to come from manufactured animals, "Deficient animals make deficient meat. ... We are eating ourselves into extinction." He also claims those animals to be the reason our skeleton structure is getting smaller and weaker and also our brains are smaller then ever in history. He asks if we ever see a squirrel with crocked teeth and that all these abnormalities in our bodies are not found in history. We do things to hide what is happening to our bodies so we don't really see the big picture.

I did find it interesting when he talked about the main problems with most people's diet is the nutrients they are missing. He says we should get our nutrients from all the Kingdoms of Life: the Plant Kingdom, the Microorganism Kingdom (fermented foods), the fungus Kingdom (he really loves those mushrooms, too) and the Animal Kingdom.

Although he made some good points about eating meat, overall I don't think going on his diet is for me. Also, he ended with this whole doomsday deal. I just didn't think his comments about the world being overpopulated so we all can't eat this superior way was needed. He went on to talk about our diet's making us sterile and pretty soon we won't be so crowded anymore and that's just the way it is. He plans on staying around so his (health?/genetics?/wilderness land?) can be passed down through his generations.

Ok, so at the very end when he's thinking about what he can leave for his posterity isn't a bad idea, and maybe that's something I should do, it's the hopelessness he has for the rest of us --- or is that just for those that don't plan on eating like him?

More tomorrow.

"The Great Health Debate" Summary of Speakers 5 & 6

2011-02-10T00:15:00.000-07:00

These two speakers both brought up several new ideas that I hadn't considered before. They also recommend different approaches to health. This post is going to be harder to summarize, but I'll do the best I can for those of you who have shown interest in my thoughts on health and nutrition.

Each speaker had 1 hour to share a huge amount of their knowledge. I took a lot of notes, but, I will be commenting mostly about what makes sense to me, share it the way I understand, and share my personal thoughts on it.

First, I listened to Donna Gates. Her photo is of a pretty young lady with a nice convincing voice. I was surprised to learn that she is actually 64-years old. She talks a lot about fermented food, which I didn't know or really care to learn about until I visited my in-laws at Christmas time and my sister-in-law shared her interest in it and wondered what I thought about it. I didn't know. She explained briefly and gave me a recipe for rejuvelac (fermented wheat water). However, in my research, I came across a comment here and there that made me worry that the risks, however small, were not what I wanted to test out on my family --- I set that idea aside for another time.

However, the more Donna Gates spoke, the more I became convinced that I would feel good about placing my health in her care. She is all about fermenting foods and says that fermenting helps the body to assimilate the food. She explained a little about the history of fermenting and the beneficial role they play in our gut. She also has a "safe starter" she sells on her site (of course).

She doesn't love raw or processed milk. Doesn't like meat. Loves coconut kefir and Natto (fermented soy). She says everything has its opposite and that there is a balance in everything, such as your body should be 80% alkaline and 20% acidic.

She basically recommends all the good quality foods touted by health enthusiast but adds fermenting to it. This is her list of essential nutrients:

Fermented foods (it increases the value of a food hundreds of times)
Mineral rich foods
Protein (from dark leafy greens. These produce anti inflammatories and strengthen muscles)
Vitamin C
Sunshine
Good night sleep
Water
Air (breath!)
Exercise

The next guy's diet description, at first, had me imagining myself in my backyard, sunbathing while sipping from a clear glass of ice water and licking a salt rock and listening to tummy growls. I wondered what and if I would get to eat!

Dr. Robert O. Young studies health on a cellular level --- in the blood and it's pH level. He is against eating ALL and ANY meat saying healthy red blood cells should be even in shape, color and size and that eating animals make those cells lemon shape, which manifests in disease. In fact, he claims we do NOT need PROTEIN! (I've decided he is only referring to animal protein because towards the end he begins talking about eating dark leafy greens, which are full of plant proteins.) "Our body can't digest it's own flesh, so it can't digest animal flesh either... It just sits in our body and rots." ("If you want to kill your children, feed them meat!")

He is against ALL sugar. It doesn't matter whether it is processed or natural (from whole fruit), he says that sugar is a waste product of metabolism unnecessary for ATP (converts/transfers energy). He rather believes that our body runs on electrons, that our body is electric. (Are you singing the Electric Slide!) He goes on to explain that all the energy we need we can get from the sun --- if we have enough chlorophyll in our blood to absorb that energy through our skin and eyes. (I'm assuming it's similar to the way plants absorb energy from the sun). Interesting concept. So --- it's extremely important to eat your greens --- and lots of those. (Oh, let's not forget how important salt is either --- "salt is what keeps us alive.") He suggests making green drinks and raw blended soups and salads from alkaline foods every day --- don't forget the salt! (NOT table salt because of added chemicals and the aluminum (so it doesn't cake), try rock salt or Himalayan salt.

He did comment briefly on other diets: the fruitarian, with sickly looking cells; the vegetarian, which he hates because dairy and eggs are allowed; the raw foodist, which he says is better but still not great; next best is the Vegan diet, which he almost likes; but his "Alkalarian diet is best of all!" Young claims his diet can make you immortal. IMMORTAL! Seriously!(RED FLAG!) As if he's God!

If you recognize the term "alkaline" or "acidic body" --- that is Young's baby. He claims the more alkaline the body you can get it, the healthier you are. In fact, he says, an alkaline body can stay young forever! Wow! That's quite the claim. I even went so far as to wonder if he had his name changed so that he could be called "Dr. Young." (I may Google that some day.) Anyway, I went to his site to check out his alkaline food chart he mentioned (amazingly, it seams you have to buy everything if you want to get anything from this guy, including the book with his chart). I did find this other alkaline food chart very interesting because it includes many healthy foods I've been adding to our diet since we started eating raw! (Those do get a little easier to eat as you get use to the "green" taste.) The chart also includes a lot of fruits, Young says we don't need fruit because of the sugars, so I'm assuming that those would not be on his list. Do take note of how alkalizing the grains are once they are sprouted. I had to refer back to The Word of Wisdom (verse 14) just to see the part about how grains is worded again. As I noted in my previous post, it doesn't specify that you have to ground the grains into flour, so why not sprout those?! (That would mean I would need to go back to the original "staff of life" being the main part of my diet, eating it every day instead of eating it sparingly (as a support) in times of famine and cold (maybe winter is a good time to have wheat ground?)

It did get me thinking a little about Utah and the pioneers, and even today! The Great Salt Lake is full of real salt. We are counseled to eat grains (sprouted?) and all the many natural springs in the mountains (springs being the best source of raw water by David Wolfe --- the big raw foodist whom I'll hear from later tonight.) And sunshine, even in winter. If this is what we need to live a good quality healthy life, it was given to the pioneers all at once in the Salt Lake Valley --- for FREE!

Since I mentioned water, and you do need to drink good quality water, you can buy water systems from his site that add electrons into your drinking water that can help alkalize your body. I read a lot about this several years ago from a Japanese Doctor (I'd post a link, but I can't find it again.) Anyway, he convinced me we needed one, but with the water system costing nearly $2000, my husband was not convinced. (Thank goodness for him!) I thought it would only be a one time cost, but then I discovered the actual filter has to be changed every few months and those ran close to $500 each (if I remember right, you needed 2 of those). Surely, God doesn't expect us to pay money like that for our health! (I haven't checked lately to see if prices on those have dropped.)

If this truly is the diet of immortality and living on it will eventually change me in a "twinkle" --- then he has something amazing. What my heart tells me is that he is on to something but it needs more fine tuning. It bothers me that he seems so business oriented, greedy and full-of-himself. I don't like that he made it a point to invalidate the other nutritionists' research --- especially when it appears they have started using some of his research to fine tune their practices. Some pieces may fit together nicely, but, I keep hearing "Too Good to Be True," and although I will probably glean (his chart) from him, I don't know when or if I will do much more than that.

Besides, I'm not looking for the diet that's going to keep me alive the longest, I'm on a fertility quest!

Short Summary on Health Seminar (First 4 speakers of 10)

2011-02-08T18:56:00.001-07:00

The past couple days I've been listening to some well-known nutritional health doctors online. I've listened to Gabriel Cousens (he's a little too extreme for me but very smart and if I did go completely off all animal products, I would read up more on his information), Dr. Mercola (I have loved reading information from his site in the past, but I'm not into raw eggs), Jonny Bowden and Dr. Joel Fuhrman. I found them all very informative and for the most part they haven't been too contradictory, for example, they each agree that greens are some of the best foods and that all grains (whole grains only) should be limited in our diet. They are all focused on a nutritionally rich diet free of processed foods and eating what works best for your body. I especially liked the the way Fuhrman presented his information and want to read his book Eat to Live. (I went to the library today to pick it up, but, apparently they don't carry it --- so it will just have to sit in my Amazon cart for awhile. Who knows, I may have a different favorite by the time the other 6 speak.)

The main difference (and not a big difference) in what these speakers had to share was their opinion on eating meat. I'm not against eating meat, sparingly. After posting my last blog about my diet, I found and watched Meet Your Meet. (Warning: DO NOT watch if you prefer to continue buying your meat and dairy from the supermarket. I found this video shocking, horrible and terribly disturbing. So, if you do decide to watch, watch it when small children are NOT hanging on your shoulder, arm, or wherever they hang on you when you're at the computer.) Cousens says no meat at all. But there are nutrients (Vitamin B12, zinc, iron, certain types of omega-3s) that you can only get from meat, otherwise you will need to take some quality supplements. The meat-eaters, or rather, omnivors, all agree that these nutrients are best in their natural form rather than from supplements and they all agree that meat should be eaten in moderation. Fuhrman's meat guidelines are that you should receive less than 10% of your daily caloric intake from it (however, a few people may actually need as much as 15% maximum).

As for a raw diet, Fuhrman was the only one to comment on that. He says eating the majority of your vegetables raw is really good but it is easy to go overboard in these areas: sweeteners, salt, dried fruits and oils (oils are best as a whole food). He also finds it limiting and that when a raw foodist adds some cooked foods, such as vegetables and beans, into their diet they seem to do better.

Overall and so far, I like Fuhrman's addendems to "My Diet Rules" best of all. I also like hearing how much the Health/Nutrionists agree overall. I love what they have to share and that they have so many facts, studies and years of experience to back up their methods.

As a side note: When picking up my kids this afternoon, Payton, putting on his seat belt, says, "After school, Mom, I felt my heart beating." "Oh?" "It was beating hard." "Did it hurt?" "No. It didn't feel good." Hmmmmm... I hope it's not something serious. (I ignored his occasional complaints about his tummy until he started throwing up every other night --- only to find out he has gerd. I will have to fine-tune my ears to this and see if we've got another problem. It does make me feel a little anxious about whether I can get our diet changed for the better fast enough.)

Section 89

2011-02-04T00:51:00.001-07:00

and

Eli BOUGHT a fertility book!

Family size is a choice for so many couples --- and even singles. For us it's a matter of money. The thought of buying our eternal family disgusts and frustrates me. It costs to adopt. It costs for IVF. It costs a lot just to give birth in a hospital (so I hear). Each --- a financial risk.

That doesn't mean we can't save some money! My husband and I want more children. The feeling is tugging pretty strongly at our hearts again. The desire feels good and right inside. A few months ago we talked about really trying to get pregnant --- this time with IVF. If we're going to put that kind of money into conceiving then I need to get as healthy as possible --- for myself and our baby.

After years of research, I am convinced that PCOS can be controlled through proper diet and consistent exercise. I have tried to refine our diet a little bit here and there, but NOW is the time to be drastic! I find myself, once again, trying desperately to find the information that will bring success this time around. I want to set goals and create a plan I feel thoroughly good about and stick with it. It also needs to be built around "My Diet Rules" as much as possible.

MY DIET RULES

It MUST be in harmony with the Word of Wisdom. (No red wine or green tea for me, please.)
My family and I will share the SAME meal. It's hard enough preparing 3 meals a day --- expecting myself to create an extra meal for myself is NOT going to happen. I should know. But, more importantly, if I'm going to create a healthy meal, I WANT my family to partake of it as well. I want my family to enjoy health too.
Meals must be EASY to prepare. It must be easy because nights out at the restaurant should be limited. Also, I work at home. When I'm not working, I want to play, spend time with my kids and husband, garden, keep my home in order and learn --- not spend 2-3 hours preparing 1 meal, just to finish that one and start on the next one.
The cheaper the better. I feel very strongly that God has provided health for everyone! Food, supplements and information should be free or reasonably priced. (Hey, even weeds are suppose to be highly nutritious --- if only I knew how to identify and use those!)
Naturally healthy --- that includes growing a garden. The more natural, the better (organic and local...) I also feel very strongly that God provides us with the food we should be eating. Hippocrates said, "Let food be thy medicine, thy medicine shall be thy food." I'm not saying that I shouldn't ever see a doctor (for example: IVF, broken bones, cancer, etc.) --- but for overall health maintenance, I should look to what I eat; after all, the more natural, the better (eliminate: hydrogenated oils, high fructose corn syrup, and GMOs (at least start with avoiding the big 4: canola, cotton, corn and soy)).
Drink more water. According to Dr. Fereydoon Batamanghelidj, M.D., the author of Your Body's Many Cry's for Water, I should be getting at least 84 oz of water per day, more when I exercise, to stay hydrated. It's very important! I drink water almost exclusively (no alcohol, caffeine, soda, processed juice, etc.) except for fresh homemade juice from my new juicer, raw lemonade (made with raw honey, mmmmmm...) and an occasional 1/2 glass of organic whole milk (a little full fat dairy has been proven to increase fertility, according to my new book).
Sweets must be allowed, at least occasionally. I know this is a danger zone for me and most likely the biggest contributing factor of my infertility. But, completely take me off sweets and I'll binge on those big time. Healthy treats like Raw Apple Crisp seem to be a satisfying substitutes for traditional baked goods. (I have also been experimenting with ice creams made from nuts and puddings made with avocado, but, I'm not satisfied enough to post a link to any of those yet.)
Exercise. Ideally, I would like to do 20-30 minutes of aerobic exercise twice a day, six days a week. I would like to attend a Yoga class 2-3 times a week and do weights on 2-3 of the other days. For now, I would like to just get going on something again.

I have used these rules to implemented several health improvements in my family, yet, we still have health issues. My husband has asthma and his knees sound like mush. Last week my son was diagnosed with acid reflux or GERD. My poor daughter gets constipated. My personal list includes eczema and hay fever, migraines, osteoporosis, overweight, PCOS (Polycystic Ovarium Syndrome) which causes my infertility and is a precursor to diabetes and heart-attack. (BTW, grandparents on both my parents side have died from heart-attacks.)

In trying to keep our meals within a low glycemic load, learning how to do square foot gardening so that we can afford to eat organically and locally, and baking my own sweets (to avoid hydrogenated oils, high fructose corn syrup and GMOs) I came across raw foods. The idea wasn't new to me, I just didn't realize that some people ate raw almost exclusively. It seemed too extreme! At least I felt that way for a few years. About 6 months ago I got curious and took a deeper look into it. This time the phrase "in the season thereof" clicked with new meaning. It seemed to say to me that "in season" definitely includes raw --- NOT cooked and/or processed, not altered.

Wow! It finally made sense to me! The whole concept felt so simple and right that I wondered if it was truly my answer. I've spent a lot of time searching for raw recipes and ideas to add to my family's diet. Some favorites so far are: Raw Tacos, juicing, almond milk, Mediterranean Kale Salad, spinach salad with the yummiest walnut ginger dressing EVER, cabbage salad, Turnip Apple Salad, raw hot chocolate and raw applesauce (leave the peels on). (Check out Elder John A. Widtsoe explanation, also found in the Doctrine and Covenant Institute Manual.) The challenge now is to make raw a significantly large part of our diet (I've read that 80% is recommended).

In my pursuit of fertility I have delved, many times, into nutritional facts to understand what's best. In the back of my mind I am always comparing what I find with The Doctrine and Covenants --- Section 89, more commonly known as "The Word of Wisdom." Today I googled "eating raw and the Word of Wisdom." I came across the most interesting discussion on Latter-day Saints and vegetarianism titled "The Word of Wisdom: the forgotten verses" (I recommend reading it!)" The following includes Jim Catano's personal comments on eating meat (D&C Section 89:10-15):

10. "...all wholesome herbs," or plants as the footnote explains, "God hath ordained for the constitution, nature and use of man---
11. "Every herb in the season thereof, and every fruit in the season thereof; all these to be used with prudence and thanksgiving.
12. "Yea, flesh also of beasts and of the fowls of the air, I, the Lord, have ordained for the use" and please note---NOT for the constitution, nature and use as was said of the plants but merely for the use "of man with thanksgiving, nevertheless they are to be used sparingly;
13. "and it is pleasing unto me that they should not be used, only in times of winter, or of cold, or famine.
14. "All grain is ordained for the use of man and of beasts, to be the staff of life, not only for man but for the beasts of the field, and all wild animals that run or creep on the earth;
15. "And these" in repetition of the admonition to limit the eating of animal flesh "God made for the use of man only in times of famine and excess of hunger."

Hmmmmmm... I never desired to be vegetarian or even thought I should be until I read it this way. So, does that mean milk? eggs? ice cream? Cutting down on most meat shouldn't be terribly hard. I can prepare more vegetarian meals that include healthy plant proteins --- we eat a lot of those anyway. (Eli's not gunna be crazy about this change!)

And what's this about grains? Instead of breaking up the sentence in verses 14 and 15, I read the entire sentence together. I felt enlightened as I read to use grain as well as animal flesh sparingly. Could that be right? It feels right with what I understand about blood sugar spikes, but is that just what I want to hear? That would explain that being tired after eating grain isn't necessary in order to obey the Word of Wisdom. However, until today, I thought obeying the Word of Wisdom was eating grains as my "staff of life," so when doing some earlier research I was excited to learn that sprouting grains essentially converts it into a living vegetable. (Since that discovery, my kids and I have enjoyed eating raw germinated wheat sprinkled with pomegranate seeds and chopped dates; or, dried fruit and raw chopped nuts or seeds as a breakfast cereal, sometimes even with almond milk poured over it.)

I am so excited to know that the way I've been trying to tweak our diet goes right along with the Word of Wisdom. I feel confident in moving forward with the knowledge I have been gleaning from those who have been excited to share their information. I can't wait to google "eating raw and the Word of Wisdom" again and read how other Latter-day Saints are doing it. I'm am so ready to make a change. I want to feel good. I want my body to work!

As a side note, I want to comment on verse 4, "... In consequence of evils and designs which do and will exist in the hearts of conspiring men in the last days, I have warned you, and forewarned you, by giving unto you this word of wisdom by revelation---" I want to list 3 poisons that I believe exist because of conspiring greedy men: hydrogenated oils (also known as trans fats), high fructose corn syrup (currently being relabeled simply as corn sugar) and; GMOs (which I wonder if the earth will have to burn to completely get rid of those). In the book The Fertility Diet, high fructose corn syrup and hydrogenated oils are listed on the bottom of a good-to-bad food-ranking list --- BELOW alcohol! It's scary that mother's give those to their children so naively. (I KNOW better and am guilty of taking advantage of the convenience!) I feel it is time to completely remove these from my family's diet, I just don't know if I can. (No trick-or-treating, seriously? No chocolate Easter Bunny or boxes of Valentine's chocolates? Nope --- I'm not 100% ready --- but it's time to start somewhere.)

______________________________________________________

The following are more reminders to myself of why I am changing my family's diet:

From the Doctrine and Covenants Institute Manual:

D&C 89:2

President Joseph Fielding Smith said: “The temporal salvation of the children of men is a most important thing, but sadly neglected by many religious teachers. The truth is that the spiritual salvation is dependent upon the temporal far more than most men realize. The line of demarcation between the temporal, or physical, and the spiritual, cannot be definitely seen. The Lord has said that he has not given a temporal commandment at any time. To men some of these commandments may be temporal, but they are spiritual to the Lord because they all have a bearing on the spiritual or eternal welfare of mankind.” (Church History and Modern Revelation, 1:383.) Obedience to the Word of Wisdom, keeping the “temple of God” undefiled (1 Corinthians 3:16), invites the Holy Ghost to help us resist the temptations of the world.

D&C 89:10–11

The Doctrine and Covenants does not specifically mention heroin, cocaine, marijuana, ecstasy, other illegal drugs, or the abuse of prescription drugs. President Joseph Fielding Smith said: “Such revelation is unnecessary. The Word of Wisdom is a basic law. It points the way and gives us ample instruction in regard to both food and drink, good for the body and also detrimental. If we sincerely follow what is written with the aid of the Spirit of the Lord, we need no further counsel....

“Thus by keeping the commandments we are promised inspiration and the guidance of the Spirit of the Lord through which we will know what is good and what is bad for the body, without the Lord presenting us with a detailed list separating the good things from the bad that we may be protected. We will learn by this faithful observance that the promises of the Lord are fulfilled.” (Improvement Era, Feb. 1956, pp. 78–79.)

Taken from The Word of Wisdom: the Forgotten Verses:

John A. Widstoe

One of the most brilliant scholars to ever serve in the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles was John A. Widtsoe who had the additional perspective of a scientist as to the merits of a plant-based diet. He wrote in a book on the Word of Wisdom, "It was shown in the history of plant science that plants contain all the necessary food substances: proteins, fats, starches and the carbohydrates, minerals...water [and] vitamins. The Great builder of the earth provided well for the physical needs of His children. Countless varieties of edible plants, vegetables, cereals, fruits and nuts are yielded by Mother Nature for man's daily food. If one uses meat it must be used sparingly and in winter or famine only.... They who wish to be well and gain the promised reward stated in the Word of Wisdom must obey all of the law, not just part of it as suits their whim or their appetite, or their notion of its meaning." (The Word of Wisdom, a Modern Interpretation, 1950)

Just as it was 50 years ago, some Church members today still resist a full embrace of the principles of their divinely inspired health code. Sadly, some even resent the efforts of others who attempt to rise above the current LDS cultural norm, and they sometimes label as "fanatics" those who try to pursue a higher course. In defense of those Latter-day Saints who have a special awareness of health and nutrition, Elder Widtsoe said, "one with an intelligent interest in food and good life habits is in no sense a faddist or 'crank.' Indeed, every one should have such a sound fundamental knowledge of nutrition." (The Word of Wisdom, a Modern Interpretation, 1950)

Ezra Taft Benson

"In general, the more food we eat in its natural state and the less it is refined without additives, the healthier it will be for us." (Ensign 4:66, 1974)

"To a significant degree, we are an overfed and undernourished nation digging an early grave with our teeth, and lacking the energy that could be ours.... We need a generation of young people who, as Daniel, eat in a more healthy manner than to fare on the 'kings meat' ---and whose countenances show it." (Teachings of Ezra Taft Benson pp. 476-7) His reference, of course, is to the biblical Daniel who, as a student in the Babylonian royal court, opted for simple vegetarian food and whose superior health quickly became visible to others.

"There is no question that the health of the body affects the spirit, or the Lord would never have revealed the Word of Wisdom.... Disease, fever and unexpected deaths are some of the consequences directly related to disobedience.... To a great extent, we are physically what we eat. Most of us are acquainted with some of the prohibitions of the Word of Wisdom...but what need additional emphasis are the positive aspects---the need for vegetables, fruits, and grain, particularly wheat. We need a generation of people who eat in a healthier manner." (Ensign, September 1988, p. 5)

George Q. Cannon (This should be worked into "My Diet Rules.")

"We can have variety in diet, and yet have simplicity. We can have a diet that will be easily prepared, and yet have it healthful. We can have a diet that will be tasteful, nutritious and delightful to us and easy to digest..." (Journal of Discourses 12:221-4)

How Do You Deal with Whining?

2011-01-28T23:43:00.000-07:00

(Stephanie, you can skip this --- you've already read it, I'm just posting it because I got your permission. ; ) )

Parenting does not come naturally to me.

Surprised? I'm sure not. About three years ago I was looking, in general, for some good parenting ideas. I didn't care much to talk to people that already told me I was doing it all wrong. So I Googled "disciplining toddlers" and other related topics. Eventually, a great lady in my ward directed me to a book called "Love and Logic." For a mom who needs a lot of guidance in discipline, I think this is a great place to start. At least it gets me adding more love into my disciplining and helps me to step back and take more time before I jump on things. But, it's the mom's I watch that have taught me to relax and just laugh when things seem awful, to not worry about the little things, to just let them be. It is the Holy Ghost that has taught me it is better to have broken things than a broken boy and I thank Heavenly Father all the time for that whisper. When things get ruined, I replay that warning in my mind, it brings love back up to the surface. After all, broken things is part of being a mom. As for teaching things, having fun and doing things with my kids, I think that's the part that comes naturally. (Maybe there's a teensy bit of me that is naturally an awesome mom after all --- let's HOPE.)

My two kindergartners are great kids, really, but even great kids have their moments when their mom doesn't deal very well with their attitude. Believe me, I know, because as I said, parenting does not come naturally to me. As much as I LOVE being a mommy, I find motherhood a challenge. Especially when it comes to dealing with whining!

How do you lovingly deal with whining, yet still get it to GO AWAY!?!?

I went back to that book for some ideas. I thought I would share some of my tried-and-tested approaches that I like the results of.

Is their whining so loud it comes out screaming? I remind them that outside voices belong outside. If they don't go outside on their own, I take them. They can come in when they're ready to use their inside voice.

Crying again? About what? Your arm got what? Poked? How? Your brother? Ohhhhh! Bother! I was just introduce to the "Crying Place" and love that idea. I have had them do their crying in their room with the door shut. But any spot (out of earshot) can be designated as a place to freely express their emotions.

I have been known to absentmindedly give my kids each others plates, cups, crayons, etc. I was annoyed enough on afternoon to say, "Oh? You don't want plates!?" I put them back in the cupboard and let them each use a napkin. It only took a few times for them to learn that they can switch their items on their own --- without whining!

How about getting them to do something they are perfectly capable of doing and should be doing and you hear, "I don't want to _____!" Respond lovingly, but matter-of-factly, "I know you don't want to _____, but it has to get done." (Letting them know that you heard and understand them seems to go a long ways.)

Fighting over a toy and you just can't deal with it again? I remove the toy and suggest they find something to do that they can both enjoy. If I feel I must comment about it I might say something in a loving voice, like, "I don't want my two favorite children to fight with each other because of this toy, so I'll just put it up for now. You can try playing with it again when you are a little older and we'll see if you can handle playing with it the right way then.

This is my all-time #1 response to whining --- and it is SO EASY. When one of my kids comes to me whining (usually when my nerves are already fried), I respond in the most loving way possible (taken word-for-word from the book), "I'm sorry, but I don't understand whining." Repeat. Continue to repeat until they talk to you in a normal voice or stomp away --- you might have to recommend the "Crying Place." It takes a little practice and repetition, but it pays off. With the whining gone, it makes me more willing to tend to their needs.

Another sentence I'll sometimes use (in a loving voice still), "I'll talk with you when you're ready to talk to me the way I'm talking to you." (I think this is also a good way to teach them to treat you with respect.)

How about whining at the table? This is my FAVORITE dinner time rule that I made up out of the blue one evening (Eli also LOVES this one). This is spoken with a smile, with love and usually with a hint of warning, "No whining where we're dining." When someone whines at the table one of us reminds the whiner of this rule (yes, even the kids love to help implement this rule). If whining continues, we ask the whiner to please get down from the table, "That's the rule!" simply stated. (Sometimes you have to take them.) They are reminded that we would love to have them come back and eat with us when they are through whining. It really helps with the dinner atmosphere and I don't have to listen to how terrible my cooking is the entire meal. It amazes me that they come back to the table with a different attitude EVERY time. I definitely recommend this one.

So, how do you lovingly deal with whining, yet still get it to GO AWAY!?!?

Love Pats

2011-01-21T09:38:00.000-07:00

Once, my mom gave me a little swat-on-the-bum for no apparent reason. It didn't hurt, but I cried. I didn't want her upset with me. That's when my mom taught me all about 'love pats.'

From time to time I like to remind my children how much they are loved and I decided to tell them that at breakfast this morning. I said something to the effect of, "Daddy and I feel pretty special that you are part of our family and we hope you feel special being part of it. We sure love you and Heavenly Father loves you and I wanted to make sure that you know that." They said they did. Yeah! Huge pats on the back to Eli and me. Then, Alyssa says the most endearing thing ever, "Even sometimes when you give us spankins, it looks like you spank us, but they're just 'love pats.'" (Shhhhhhhhh! Don't tell Payton!)

When I'm not thinking logical enough to discipline, I am happy to know I have used love pats as a loving alternative.

On Blogging

2011-01-21T00:56:00.000-07:00

Wow! I don't know where my last post came from, it's not at all what I sat down to write about... but it's a whoppin' 4 comment post, so I've decided not to delete it. I was actually just given a friend's blog address and have since spent many hours reading it. This friend (and mother whom I totally admire and want to parent like) got me thinking --- A LOT. I must have wrote a couple dozen blogs about my introspections as I fell asleep the first night, I wrote more in my dreams and more again as I lay awake in the wee hours of the morning because I hadn't be able to turn my mind off. Now, I wish I could remembered some of those mentally written blogs because some of them were actually fun and none of those took very long to put into words. (I suppose it's harder to edit writing still in your head, so that's why I thought up so many!)

Anyway, I started thinking about how hard it was to let people know what I think of them and it just sort of got me thinking about my past... (I hope it didn't sound all depressed! It felt good to write it.) It also got me going on our adoption story again (I've had a few requests for it), it's a whole work of emotions! If you want more emotions from me --- read it! Mostly, I want to write it for my children before I forget any more of the details. I also want to share a positive story of adoption by posting it. Hopefully, it comes out uplifting --- because for me it did. And I like reading things that make me feel good when I'm done with it. (Oh those spoilers! I hope that doesn't ruin it! ; )

Stuck Up

2011-01-14T13:09:00.000-07:00

Once my sister told me that her friend told me that her sister (who I shared a high school class with) told her that I was stuck-up. Stuck-up?!? That alarmed me. I did not see myself like that at all! I LOVE people --- thoroughly love people and discovering what makes one unique. Yet, people intimidate me --- so much so that I can't mentally function sometimes. My mind goes blank. Black. Empty. I want to disappear when the spotlight turns on me. Call it shy, if you will, but "Stuck-up"!?!?!?

If "Stuck Up?" means "feelings are 'stuck up' inside," then, yes, that describes me. But, as for feeling superior to you, just know, I am most likely seeing you with admiration and I haven't figured how to let you know.

Sunday "Anxious Me" automatically set in when I was asked to set up and present a meeting.

I wanted to make sure I did not stray from the church handbook on nursery structure and emphasize what we hoped for for this new year in the nursery. I discovered items I should have been on top of but have been slacking because I never read the information myself. I spent a good part of 2 days putting together a short outline about why we would like a small lesson given in our ward nursery each week. I love the sister called as the nursery leader and did not want to hurt her feelings the slightest bit even though I also felt strongly that lessons should be given and the Spirit should be felt by the children --- she doesn't feel that way.

As I finished my preparations, I contemplated how to begin the meeting (because, if I didn't, I was afraid I would freeze up and come across as being ill-prepared and stupid) I realized all attending are people I love and mean a great deal to me. I began to consider why:

When Eli and I moved our small family here the now nursery leader was the first to introduce herself to us. She gave us a store bought cake and a signed card when she stopped by. The cake tasted awful and had to be thrown out, the gesture, however, was greatly appreciated. Since then we have become really good friends and we share a number of interests that we love to share information on. We sometimes joke about how I bake her bread and bring over my newly discovered and tried healthy recipes for her to sample and in exchange she dumps a pile of llama ___ "stuff" out behind our fence (for my garden). She is who we have called for years now to take care of our home and animals when we are away. She is always happy to do it and does a great job too. She is always helping us out. She is a great example of service and is a hard worker. She is generous with her compliments. She's kind of motherly to us too and I like it. She loves our kids. She makes me feel good.

The primary assistant's voice (also the stake primary president) radiates happiness. Her stories are amusing, her laughter, sunshine. We share a few things in common, like adoption and PCOS. Although, we don't sit down and have long, in depth talks together, she notices me. That's enough for me. I love this lady. I love her children too. When I taught Sunbeams (four beautiful little princesses) her youngest was one of them. Her husband (also a primary assistant) would be at the meeting too. He is our home teacher. He's very quiet so harder to get to know. But, I have discovered he is full of kindness.

The primary president, I love this lady and didn't want the meeting to let her down. She can talk a lot, but, I enjoy every minute of it. The way she has taken to my children reminds me of my mother-in-law. She adores them and she thinks Eli and I do a great job as parents. I don't know how to express how truly I appreciate that. Her whole family has been amazing to us. Her husband has spent countless hours sharing his talents and skills on our home remodel and all he would take from us was a couple banana cream pies. I wish I knew something I could do to repay him, but instead, we asked their daughter to babysit and their son to house sit... I worry about taking so much. There has to be some way to serve them!

How would you express all that? (and don't be mushy!)

More expressionless emotions: I shared a year of similar trying experiences with another young mom and grew to love her. One day she announces her intentions to move away. I freeze inside. I feel the tears but they are not visible until I get home. I learn nothing because yet again, another dear, dear friend I have come to know and adore tells me she's moving. Huge tears pour behind my eyes but again never wet my cheeks until I find myself alone. A friend's husband dies and I feel my own heart will break for her, but all I can do is gather enough courage to wrap my arms lightly around her, still my eyes remain dry. Another friend steals money from my family and all I want to do is forgive her and help her sorrow go away by talking about it, but my voice fails me, it sounds so insincere. My BEST-friend in junior high is dying and I cannot give her comfort. A selfless angel places her two precious babies in Eli's and my arms as she tells them good-bye. So many emotions all at once that, try as I might, I cannot even begin to form words in my mind. Her tears fall but I cannot express, I cannot speak, I finally turn and leave her without a word.

"Stuck up?"

If I could share these feelings, would people like me better? Would it take away my "stuck up"ness, or, is it a different part of my personality that says "stuck up"?

Now that I have children, I make an incredible effort to open my mouth more. Even if I say stupid things, I have to start somewhere or I'll never learn... It is my responsibility to teach them social skills (of which I blamed my parents for not teaching me --- yet, I no longer hold it over them). So, I talk --- sometimes it comes out all wrong! I insult those I want most to be my friends, it seems I don't even know I do it. I want to share happy experiences/stories... but from my lips I hear bragging and wince inside. I try to share my struggles but it comes out as poor me and I mentally kick myself. I try to share information I have learned and am excited about... I'm finally beginning to see that this almost always comes out like I'm judging them. Listening is really what I do best. I was ok with that, but, now I want a VOICE too, and that seems to be when I do damage. Expressed thoughts become an invitation for me to discuss my similar and/or differing opinions, but I'm beginning to see that people seem to think that I'm saying they're wrong when I don't agree. I'm not! (I need to learn a new approach!)

As for the meeting, once again I said NOTHING. No intro, no gratitude for their service, no welcome. Nothing. I do this all the time and I hate myself for it. I want to express genuine love and gratitude... but these are so intense that when I try, it comes out --- LAME. So, I don't. I went through my prepared material quickly. I did remember to stop for input a few times. I felt it went well enough coming from me. But it sounds like I went a little further that she had asked. I don't know if that is good or bad, she said it was great, but I wish I had taken an even more casual approach. I wish I had done it differently, like someone else would have. But what's done is done now and they will judge me as they will.

As you will.

2010 Rundown

2011-01-01T20:15:00.004-07:00

I just love this photo. Payton got a hold of my camera to take this picture of Alyssa's new teeth growing in.

2010 was the year of the Tooth Fairy --- she visited our home 5 times! First, she made two visits to collect Alyssa's 2 front bottom teeth.

About that time we began calling her "Tooth-Alyss" after the night furey, Toothless, developed a longing for a pet dragon!

Then, just before Christmas, the Tooth Fairy returned twice again for Payton's 2 front bottom teeth, and just in time too, Payton was delighted to sing "All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth" then show off his new gap.

Alyssa lost her 3rd tooth just before the new year started. I have a feeling the Tooth Fairy will be a regular visitor in 2011. (I had the honor of pulling 4 of those teeth!)

In the spring I finished working at the preschool and doubled my graphic design work as SJCK started a new paper in La Plata County. Payton enjoyed another round of soccer and has got the idea of making a goal down. He scored several! We enjoyed cheering him on.

During the summer I kept Payton and Alyssa busy with library storytime and other city sport (soccer and t-ball) instructional activities,

as well as play dates and babysitting exchanges with other moms.

We blended up fresh fruits and vegetables to make up our own popsicles in an attempt to avoid high fructose corn syrup and to teach the kids that eating healthy can be fun too.

We also grew another garden. This year Payton and Alyssa each had their own 3'x3' garden boxes and they got to choose what they wanted to grow.

Payton wanted to grow watermelon. I chose a quick maturing small sugar baby watermelon and Payton started it indoors. It thrived, but unfortunately, our growing season is just too short. The cold hit just as it began to turn a little pink inside.

After all that work and a summer of anticipation, Payton and Alyssa would not allow that watermelon to be thrown out without eating 1/2 of it first. Even with it as unripe as it was, I don't think they ever enjoyed a melon quite so much.

Payton also wanted to know how pickles were made so he grew pickling cucumbers (which didn't do very well) and dill (did excellent). I bought more pickling cucumbers at the farmers market and Payton and I (mostly) made pickles. They were ready for eating just in time for Halloween. Payton and Eli would eat a jar at a time together.

Alyssa enjoyed watering her garden and had great success too.

She grew a full-size, great tasting bok choy that we enjoyed in a stir-fry and parsley that she picked for scrambled eggs and chicken broth.

She grew little red radishes and an amazing sunflower plant that grew as tall as her and had about a dozen big flowers on it. It was a joy to look at.

We also welcomed honey bees into our garden this year. (The previous years we've only seen hornets doing the pollinating.)

I harvested garlic. I am still amazed by this. I planted them in the fall of 2009 and didn't have to do much at all after that. I put aside the largest cloves and planted those this last fall. We are still eating what we grew but only have 2 heads of garlic left.

I also had great success with cabbage this year (because I had too much nitrogen in the soil). I learned how to prepare some wonderful cabbage recipes. (This is one of my favorite salads. Yes, the guy is out there with some of his ideas, but about 1/2 way through his videos he shares a pretty good recipe.)

Eli grew grass! It was so nice having grass in the backyard for the kids to play on and Eli took such good care of it.

In the fall, Payton and Alyssa started kindergarten and share their teacher. I miss my children while they're gone for so long during the day (but I have yet to find another mom who sympathizes with me...). These two have grown so fast already and are learning so much so quick. Alyssa is excited to be reading now and Payton's desire to read has grown a lot.

They still love looking at storybooks and being read to. I do wish I spent more time reading to them. (It just seems that our evenings are so crazy.)

Payton and Alyssa started ice skating lessons. "Speed" is Payton's ultimate goal and creating "tricks" is his next priority on the ice. I am hoping he learns to put on his breaks soon! (It's got to be better than crashing into the wall!) Alyssa, does not like taking risks and is very caution so that she does not fall down. (She has had enough of that!) In December they got to perform in an ice show that Olympic ice skating medalists Anita and Frank also performed a couple numbers in.

Payton and Alyssa skated as cars.

Payton skated as Spider-man. A bunch of little super heroes chased Cat-Woman (their instructor) around the ice until they captured her at the end. Alyssa skated as one of many little princesses to "Bippity-Boppity Boo" with their fairy godmother.

I was given the opportunity to create posters, fliers, banners, tickets and programs for this event. The ice skating lessons take place at the family recreational center and Eli and I have taken turns on the treadmill and in the raquetball court during their practices. Eli has enjoyed many raquetball games and is preparing to be in a tournament.

Alyssa continued ballet in the fall, as well as the many afore mentioned activities, and this year performed in The Nutcracker as one of the mice. This event took a lot more unanticipated time and dedication then I has assumed it would. Although a lot was experienced and enjoyed between ice skating and ballet, it was a little much for Alyssa and me. Next year we will have to choose one or the other.

We ended the year with celebrating the holidays with many family and friends. I somehow arranged and pulled off doing a 12-days of Christmas for my youngest brother, Scott, and his companion, serving their missions in Iowa. It was awesome that my entire side of the family participated in this and we got great feed back on it. Eli's entire family pulled together to do Christmas for a family we found here in our home town which was also a great project to participate in. (These both happened while the ice skating show and The Nutcracker were going on, as well as Fuzzy dying, a newspaper deadline approaching and a hard drive about to crash at any moment --- and a bit of last minute shopping!) In the meantime, I couldn't get Eli to commit to doing Christmas at home or at his parents' home... so saying life was a little CRAZY at this time is an understatement. I endured a couple sleepless nights, but once we were on the road with Christmas on the top of our car --- I got to relax.

First stop, my sister's for a family gift exchange in anticipation of the big night.

Mom sewed up matching aprons and hot pads for her grand-daughters.

A Wocket for her pocket from Uncle Rob's family.

Opening more gifts.

My brother, Rob, and, my sister-in-law, Di.

I think they like it!

... still opening gifts ...

Payton would have been perfectly happy if this present from Grandpa was they only one he got.

Attending this Christmas party didn't turn out so well for the Grinch.

When we arrived at my in-law's home we discovered that only 1/2 the gifts got packed. (On the possitive side, Eli and I got to go Christmas shopping together this time around.) We enjoyed a fantastic Christmas dinner and holding Kim's new puppies.

Grandma K made homemade playdoe planets, with actual size comparison instructions, with Payton and Alyssa --- twice!

Grandma K prepared Outer Space activities to do with the kids.

Later, that evening, Eli and I watched "True Grit" with Eli's dad. Eli's mom made cookies with Payton and Alyssa in preparation of the next day.

The next day, Eli, the kids and I, headed to Albuquerque (with a plate of cookies) through a snowstorm, for a short reunion with Payton and Alyssa's birth mother. This is the first time to meet with her again since the twins were still newborns. We were surprised, but pleased, to see that Jesse (the oldest of the twins biological brothers), Danielle (his 10-year old daughter, so aunt), Philippe (other brother), Victoria (aunt) and her daughter (20-years, cousin) also came. It was an awesome and very uplifting experience and we hope to do this again soon. Because the big storm was directly over our normal route home we decided to head straight home from Albuquerque on I-25. This way we didn't see much of the storm until we were almost home. It wasn't snowing, it was just getting blown around and the visibility went down to zero. Our road got closed. We were only 2 hours from home! We got a room for the night, went swimming, watched TV and slept in the next day. We made it home the afternoon of New Year's Day to a shoveled sidewalk and a couple of happy, well-fed dogs. We unpacked, started laundry, and I headed out to the grocery store. Meanwhile, we received an invitation to bring in the New Year with good friends. So we did.

Happy New Years!

Fuzzy Wasza...

2010-12-06T10:49:00.000-07:00

good dog!

We will miss her.

Octopus for Father's Day?!?!

2010-06-20T22:47:00.000-06:00

That's what the kids ordered. So, being instructed by my 5-year old son, I created a couple octopuses out of hot dogs for the grill.

Mmmmmmmmmmm...

I think they passed!

Eli and I enjoyed regular old brauts. Then, for dessert, homemade cherry pie. Yummmmmy! (I forgot to take a picture, oh well.)

Happy Father's Day to a wonderful father. I am so grateful Payton and Alyssa were blessed with Eli as their daddy. He loves them more than he ever thought possible. He is always wanting the best for them and tries hard to be a good dad for them. The kids run to give him a hug when he gets home from work. They know he loves them. They think the world of him. And I do too!

Lost Another Tooth

2010-06-19T22:40:00.000-06:00

She is so excited for the Tooth Fairy to visit again!

First Time Fishing

2010-06-19T22:08:00.000-06:00

"When is Daddy going to take me fishing?" I didn't know. I told Payton to ask Daddy, but, for weeks, he kept asking me. Finally, I decided the Saturday before Father's Day would be a good time for Eli to spend with the kids. I was glad Eli liked the idea too. He picked up 2 little fishing poles and a license. I packed up a lunch and we spend the afternoon by the lake. (Payton decided since he got a Sponge Bob fishing pole it was a good time to wear his Sponge Bob T-shirt.)

Both the kids had a great time fishing even if we didn't catch anything.

Eli and I had fun watching them. Eli was great keeping them all untangled and baited up.

It was a great Father's Day activity. I'm glad we just went ahead a did it. : )

My Little Fashion Diva

2010-05-25T17:35:00.000-06:00

She prefers to do her own hair these days --- and she is quite proud of her do's too. Thankfully, she still lets me do when I insist.

"Your Huge Bottom!"

2010-05-18T13:33:00.000-06:00

I'm suppose to be working. But, I keep thinking about an incident that makes me burst out laughing... I've got to write this down:

Over our years together, my husband and I put on some weight. Lately, we talk quite a bit about our fat stomachs and big bottoms and how we really ought to be doing something about that... Recently (for last Mother's Day), my husband and kids took me shoe shopping for a pair of ShapeUps. The sales rep. hands me a box with my size. Bent over doing shoelaces, I notice my husband leaning against a rack with the "I'm Tired of Shopping Already" look. I realize I had taken up the whole bench, so I grap up the shoe box as I slide over and offer him the space next to me. He declines. Meanwhile, Payton continues to move the rest of the shoe packaging and whatever I missed and announces loudly (so the whole store can hear), "Here, Daddy, there's a nice big spot for your HUGE bottom!" HAHAHAHA!!! (Yes, I'm LOL again.) What a character! What a memory! I love my kids.

Moms

2010-05-09T19:24:00.000-06:00

(Those orange and red roses are my favorite. I wonder if that is why Eli picked this bouquet...)

My Mom
She has always been special to me. Random mom memories:

Her favorite color is yellow. She had 3 yellow silk roses in a tall vase (us kids eventually broke).
She made breakfast --- with us at her side.
She didn't get mad at me when I made blanket tents.
She read me bedtime stories.
One day she surprised me with a new dress for no reason at all.
She played dollhouse with me --- although, it seems I couldn't ever keep her there long enough.
She cried when her mother died.
She sang a "Good Morning Song" to wake us up. I didn't realize how off-key she was until I became an adult. I miss it.
Once she told me that the birds sing "Good Morning" too. (They do!)
She took us to the summer movies. (She lost a contact in the grass and she look for it for a long time.)
She would eat our food when we were full so that we could get down from the table.
She was always patient and kind.
Her spankings were more like pats on the bottom.
Her answer was always "Yes" when it could be.
She sewed outfits for my dolls and never got too upset when I messed up all her sewing machine settings trying to make Barbie clothes. (She even gave me her scraps to use.)
She taught me how to knit and let me use her yarn.
She guided me though my science-fair projects.
She only grounded me once, for 3-days, because some friends I was playing with started a fire in their backyard. She wasn't mean about it at all. But I never did do that again.
Once, she sent me to the store to pick up an onion. It cost 10¢!
She made me a beautiful dress for the high school "Preference Dance." She went to the store with me and I picked a pattern and material for it.
She'd help me find stuff I lost.
She'd help me finish things so I wouldn't be late.
She'd always listen to me.
She'd tell me to turn in my homework even if it wasn't done because it was better then getting a zero.
She went with me to find my wedding dress. She fit it to me. She even told me I looked like a wedding dress model. (ha-ha)
When I showed a friend of mine what I had made for my daughter, I realized that I associate "sewing things for your kids" as being a "good mom thing to do." (Alyssa asked me to make a nightgown for her doll, I am still amazed that it actually looks like one as well as fit the doll. The doll blanket and pillow I made, Alyssa got for Christmas. Her delight pleased me. I have to thank my mom for the patience to teach me and the patience to put up with my tantrums as I learned.)

Happy Mother's Day Mom! Thank you for everything. I love you!

Here, I would place a picture of Charlotte, my children's birth mother. We have one I particularly love. But, well, I don't believe it's my right to post it.

Charlotte raised our children for their first 8 months in her tummy. She could have chosen not too, but, she already loved them. She gave them life. Then she chose to give them more, a mother AND a father. She believed Eli and I would treat them right and raise them in love and offer them things she could not. Everyday we do our best to keep our promises to her, our promises to our children and our promises to God.

Happy Mother's Day, Charlotte! Payton and Alyssa are happy, beautiful, kind and healthy children. I am honored to share this day with you.

Eli's Mom
She raised an amazing son. She instilled a love for the gospel in each of her children's hearts. She taught by example and she is an example for me. Every one of her grandchildren know they are adored by her as well. She goes and goes and goes. That picture above shows that even at the end of a day with an energetic child, like Payton, she can still smile and he still knows that he is extra special. When Alyssa has to be disciplined, this is who she cries for.

Grandma Kutch
We all love our Grandma Kutch. She enjoys having the family together for "special programs" she puts together. When I first met Eli this was something I found to be very unique about his family and one reason to want to be part of it. Here she is doing a reading of The Polar Express with some of her great-grand children gathered around her.

Thank you Grandma K for your love and sharing your activities with us, and for sharing your squash. I never knew it was so versitile!!! ;-) We love you!

This is my Mother's Day barbeque. (We don't need a picture of me here --- this is so much better.) This is Eli grilling dinner with Alyssa at his side. On the right is my new patio set. (We bought it on clearance and the end of last summer. It is not only my Mother's Day gift, but my birthday and Easter gift as well. I can't wait to use it all summer long!)

Motherhood is a gift. Looking back into my family history I learned that there are several of my ancestors who never had children. I have two. I am grateful I will never have to endure another Mother's Day, but can celebrate it with a smile, a warm heart, and memories of the day I shared with Charlotte.

I LOVE being a mom!

"I Love My Daddy because...

2010-05-07T21:23:00.000-06:00

...he took me to the store and bought me a hula-hoop!"

Alyssa

(Below's the real deal.)

iDesign

2010-02-16T16:02:00.000-07:00

VOTE! PLEASE!!!

I'm not quite sure how to put a vote box on here...

I haven't needed to use my logo for so long that I have lost my digital copy. : ( But, I have wanted to revamp it for quite some time and now I need to put in on some invoices... so, I had to do something, and quick.

So, the "Vote" is on the first " i " on both of them and the "4U" on the second one.

And... the overall look of it, any opinions will help.

Thanks! : )

The Tooth Fairy

2010-01-19T15:10:00.000-07:00

No, nobody lost a tooth. Febraury is "National Children’s Dental Health Month" and that is the theme of the next San Juan County Kids paper. Eventually the conversation about the Tooth Fairy came up with my kids:

me: When your teeth fall out, do you think the Tooth Fairy will come get them?
Alyssa: My teeth aren’t going to fall out.
me: Oh, your little baby teeth will fall out and you’ll get new big teeth.
Alyssa: When my teeth fall out I’m gunna put them under my pillow so that the Teeth Fairy will come so that she will leave us money.
me: Oh... then what will she do with your tooth?
Alyssa: Put it in the mailbox.

Hmmmmmm...

me: Payton, what do you know about the Tooth Fairy.
Payton: She comes to get our teeth when they fall out.
me: Oh. Why does she take them.
Payton: To fix them!
me: She does?!?!? and then what does she do with them?
Payton: She puts them back in.
!!!

Seriously! ; D

Snow Day!

2009-10-05T22:24:00.000-06:00

WHEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!

Daddy gives everyone a ride on the snow shovel.

All day long Payton and Alyssa begged to go out and play in the snow. I waited until after lunch, then after quiet time. By then it was pretty warm, but I made them clean their rooms first. (Yes, I am a mean mom!) Daddy pulled up from working just in time for the fun to start!

Even friends, Bella and Ivy, got to come play. (Bella & Alyssa above.)

Then began "5 Phases of Snowman Destruction."

1. Knock off, er, I mean, completely destroy the head. (The most exhilarating phase.)
2. Climb it.
3. When all else fails, have sister help you climb it.
4. Rise up as conqueror!
5. Take a daredevil leap back onto solid ground.

Friends went home. Daddy hanged the shovels. Mommy started dinner. Kid's changed into dry clothes. Alyssa said, "Mommy, that was a lot of fun to have Bella over to play in the snow with us."

I smiled inside. Sometimes life is so simple and sweet.

Autumn Traditions

2009-10-04T23:11:00.000-06:00

I never really cared for fall. It always meant the end of summer and the start of a long cold winter.

Last year I fell in love with autumn for the very first time. Now it seems more like a mild extension of summer. (Where winters are almost 9 months, every nice day counts.)

This year, I want everyone else in my family to enjoy autumn too, so, because I'm the mom, I decided to start some traditions to welcome it. Mostly, it would be things we do anyway, but, I wanted a specific time to start it, so "Conference Weekend" it is. I love "Conference Weekend" because I get to be home with my family and it's a fun time to prepare special meals for them.

"Saturday Conference" has always been a "clean-your-house-while-listening-to-conference" day for me --- so what better time to pull out our box of Halloween stuff and put up the decorations?

Each year, starting a couple years ago, my kids and I started making a ghost wreath to hang on our front door. (We pass out those ghosts to trick-or-treaters.) Perfect quiet conference activity!

For food.... pumpkin pie for dessert, that definitely tastes like autumn. But for dinner, I wanted something I could make a bunch of and freeze 1/2 until Halloween eve. I really wanted stew. But nothing popped into my head. Something special. Bread bowls? I couldn't find any so I tried making some. They weren't worth the work. And stew, apparently, does not freeze well --- I tried to find information on the internet and that's what I found out. So, I have another year to think of something else. (I spent so much time on the bread bowls that I never did get around to baking a pie.)

Sunday it snowed. And it snowed! Is autumn over already?!?!

That brings up another tradition we celebrate here, one I gleaned from a coworker about 11 years ago... He and his friends would meet at a certain gas station during the day of the first snowfall and sip hot cocoa.

But, here, I make it, and we sip it around the kitchen table. Mmmmmmm... it was really good!

I also (just last week) learned about "Conference Bingo" from another friend of mine. I could see my family do that! So, I sat down Friday evening and made up 4 Bingo cards. I was actually quite pleased with the nice results from my minimal effort. (If your interested I can send you a .pdf of the cards. It's all pictures so it's fun for everyone.) Sunday afternoon, we did play it, even Eli. We used Peanut M&Ms (my favorite) as markers. Not a good idea. They rolled all over the place. Next year, we'll use candy corn. (I think I'll eat fewer of those too.)

So, autumn, really, I do like you! Please, come back and visit! At least for a couple more weeks!!! I just bought some garlic to plant, and I just know I won't do it in the snow.

The Hunger Games

2009-10-04T00:32:00.000-06:00

Just finished. I read it for book group. Need a good book? Read it! It's really good. I can't wait to get started on the sequel, Catching Fire. Stephanie, thanks so much for making me take time to read. I so enjoy it.

When Life Gives You a Lemon...

2009-09-26T22:04:00.000-06:00

It started with a visit to the library. The kids got free books. Alyssa choose an "Amedia Bedelia" story. I loved these books when I was a little girl and told Alyssa about that when Payton, her and I sat down to read it the next day.

Then, Eli decided to have them ask "Mom" to make a lemon meringue pie. (Eli doesn't even care for that type of pie. Not my favorite either, one small piece is good enough for me.) But, maybe the kids will like it? At least they'd know what type of pie Amelia Bedelia made, right? So, the search for a fairly simple recipe on the internet began. I found a video the kids and I watched HERE. Then the cooking started.

And, once again I failed to take a picture of my beautiful masterpiece. (However, this one truely is prettier). I think between the 4 of us we got about 1/2 way through it.

Although a lot of work, I at least feel like I taught them all about baking a lemon meringue pie in a fun way. Happy cooking!

7 Dancing Princesses

2009-09-22T22:42:00.000-06:00

Left to right: Abby, Evelyn, Lizzy, Bella, Alyssa.
(Not in photo: Joselyn and Shelby)

Last spring I told my playgroup friends about my adventures of having Alyssa in ballet. When registration time came up this year, I mentioned it again. I was wholly surprised at their interest. Yes, I feel so lucky, honored really, to be a part of this group of moms. (I do wish all our little princesses could be part of this!)

Alyssa's there on the black line, right in the middle, standing tall and confident, on her very first day of class. I am so happy to see her feeling so secure. I relax and prop my camera up on my knee.

Listening to instructions. (Alyssa, Abby, Evelyn --- so tall and beautiful.)

So sweet. I am just so happy to see her feeling so comfortable! (I'm also really excited about carpooling.)

Millions of Peaches

2009-08-29T22:52:00.000-06:00

I just had to try it. I've never canned peaches myself before. I vaguely remember removing peach skins once when my mom canned them. (I think it may have been the last time she canned them.) The cost for the box of peaches cost more than the already prepared canned ones at the store. I paid for the seals and lids and whatever the cost of running the burners and water was. And my time. The whole process took forever.

I even had a little helper of my own! (Mmmmmm... those peaches were juicy!)

And I did a box of pears too.

I thought I wouldn't ever do this again --- until we tasted them. YUMMY! I like canned fruit from the store fine, but these were oh, so good! Maybe I'll can these again... just not next year.

Preschool

2009-08-26T16:27:00.000-06:00

Actually, preschool started yesterday... (I missed the 1st day of school picture.)

This year they go 3 days a week for 3 hours a day. I get to be a teacher's aid in their "Turtle" class, thanks to my friend Brittany who let me in on this opportunity. I am so excited. I had planned for them to continue in the same preschool they went to last year, but the staff lost their funding and their building. I just couldn't make up my mind on what I wanted to do, but, mostly, What would be best for my children? It felt a little scary being in charge of that when I didn't have a clue.

One preschool a lot of my friends were taking, or had taken, their child(ren) to was taught by a member of our church, so, it sounded good to me. But, I missed registration deadline because of my plans to keep the twins where they were already going. I intended to check out a few other preschools, but their cost made me unmotivated. After all, I could keep them home for free, but, thinking back on the fire incident (see earlier post) I felt encouraged to do something. Mostly, though, I felt strongly that giving them this experience with other children was the least I could do to prepare them for all-day kindergarten next year. (How I am dreading next fall. --- Perhaps, it is really me that needs this transition period!)

I know, I know, I have been reminded multiple times, by multiple caring individuals, that, I will have so much more time to do all the many "wonderful things" I wish I had an extra hour or two for now. But, I still find myself dreading all that time away from my little ones. I'm simply not ready to give my babies up to the school system after waiting 5 YEARS to get them. (Not to mention the last 2 of the 3 years Eli and I were dating. I was so ready to marry that boy and start a family with him. Frustrating as it can be, life --- just like my husband, mind you --- doesn't go by my plans. But, what Life took from me, Life blessed me with; and, it is so much more than what I dreamed up for myself.) After all, I do get to be a MOMMY! How I love to hear "Mommy" come from my own children's sweet voice. And, I LOVE having my children constantly with me, even when it does get crazy.

"When I was a little girl" (my daughter loves stories that start this way) my mom once told me that when I wake up to listen to the birds, they are singing "Good Morning." After that, I found myself lying in bed many mornings listening to the birds sing and I often smiled at the memory. Later, my mornings turned to silence. I sooooo longed to hear children's laughter in the home Eli and I made together. But, it didn't come. Not for what felt like many, many years. So, when I wake to laughter now, I can't help but lay and listen a little longer with a huge smile of overwhelming gratitude for my God who blessed me with that beautiful sound. I am living my dream!

Hmmmmmm, that was a huge tanget to go off on... perhaps I'll move it to a more appropriate place at a later date. I'll keep it here for now. Anyway, I guess I wish kindergarten would go back to 1/2 day. I wish more mom's cherished their little children and thought their time with them was too short. I wish I could learn from them. I wish I could be a better mom for my children. They so deserve the best. But they are mine to care for and love. My responsibility. So I must keep trying to do my very best. I can only pray that one day they will be able to see past all the crazy mom things I did and do and know that I was really, really trying to be a good mom and really wanted them to have the best because I really, really love them.

Sunflowers

2009-08-22T21:43:00.000-06:00

A dramatic ending to our short summer.

Happy 10th Anniversary!

2009-08-13T23:36:00.000-06:00

It could have been a trip to Hawaii...

But we chose to be practical. We moved our free living room set down into the basement and searched high and low for a nice looking, low maintenance, cat friendly, child friendly set that we both liked to place in our newly remodeled living room. The dozen roses make a beautiful addition.

And here's 10 for 10:

Year 1 (1999): We marry in the Mount Timpanogus Temple for time and all eternity. I move in with Eli while he goes to school. He celebrates our 1 month anniversary, and surprised me with, a pink carnation and a homemade dinner. He drops out of school. I work part-time through a temp. service and play house the rest of the time. I start my own business doing freelance graphic design. I try to be a "perfect" wife. He has a different idea of "perfect." It is tough to adjust to living with someone. What counts is, we make it though our first year!!!

Year 2 (2000): We buy our first home, a fixer upper. I wonder what in the world we have done. I then learn that it's even harder to remodel together. We learn that we don't like anything the same. We learn to communitcate, compromise and sometimes just let the other have it their way. In the end, we both love our home and each other even more. We bring home 2 dogs and a cat. I start building ads for the newspaper. I start infertility treatments. I bring home adoption paperwork. I feel crazy. But, our love for each other has grown.

Year 3 (2001): My job at the newspaper ends when they have to downsize. Because I am the new kid, I get the boot. I feel sad but within the week have a new job with an advertising agency that stretches my skills and gives me more creative freedom. I loved it. My old job is offered back. I decline. Eli continues to work for Cascade Auto Glass. The World Trade Centers collapse and I experience a new fear. I cling tighter to Eli. We continue to try to get pregnant. We finally turn in our adoption paperwork. Almost every night feels like "date night." Our dogs have 6 puppies. We kept the girl.

Year 4 (2002): My boss, who works out of her home, decides it's time for her to move away. I travel with Eli for a little while and then find another job working for a car ad paper. At first I go to work from home, but eventually move into his office. I HATE this job! Eli also starts traveling a LOT more for business, for months sometimes. We are trying to get pregnant so I tag along whenever possible. I finally lose my job because of it, but, I am relieved and happy.

Year 5 (2003): I can clean a home, but, I learn how to maintain it during the in between cleanings. I learn how to organize my time. Our home is beautiful. Eli and I have more quality time together than ever before. I begin babysitting my brand new niece. I begin doing freelance for a press and take in a few other small jobs. Eli and I think we might always live in that same city. I consider becoming a nurse. I start taking early morning classes at the college. I feel happier than ever... but begin to give up the idea of adopting or conceiving. Crying spells come at the oddest moments. Eli is always so gentle. Eli starts classes again.

Year 6 (2004): Eli's parents invite us to move in with them so Eli could attend school full-time. We move almost everything into storage, putting all our baby things we had slowly accumulated into the very back because we were giving up for now. We pay off our car and rent our home. We move into a single bedroom. I start attending school full-time as well and Eli and I eat lunch on campus together. Eli takes a work-study job. I begin working part-time for the American Classifieds and well as continuing to free-lance. We are taken by surprise when we learned a birth mother had chosen us. I quit my classes. She changes her mind. We are heart-broken. I keep as busy as I can so I can't think about it. Still, I cry a lot. I start school again the next symester. I take a test to see if I can get into the nursing program. We try another round of fertility shots. We celebrate our fifth "silver" year together with a trip to the mall. Eli buys me a silverware serving set. I put it in storage. LDS family service calls us again. I do my best to stay focused in school.

Year 7 (2005): She's expecting twins and she choose Eli and me to raise them. As much as I try to keep myself in check, the excitement continues to leak until I can't contain it any longer. I drop my classes one by one. I have to earn as much money as possible before the babies come as well as get things ready for them. Finally, the day comes. I quit my job to become a full-time mommy. In the meantime I am accepted into the nursing program. I choose not to reply yet. Eli will graduate in a few weeks and already has a couple companies interested in him. We have some money in savings, but just enough for the adoption. We have some coming in from our rental and some from Eli's work study, otherwise we are the poorest we've ever been. They send us home without the babies. We are now the saddest and poorest we have ever been. Emotionally spent, we put our last bit of hope in the Lord's hands. We do what we can, He does the rest. The next day we came home as parents. As beautiful and amazing as this time is, it takes Eli's and my commitment to each other to a whole new level. We step up to it. We fall even deeper in love. Eli graduates. Eli starts a new full-time, good paying job with benefits. I grow restless and want a place of our own. We move across the field into one of Eli's parent's rentals. I start working very part-time from home for a community paper geared towards young children and their families.

Year 8 (2006): This is a year of wonder, but it is also a blur. I enjoy this time being a mommy and wife to my little family. Eli announces that we will be relocating. I am so excited to be onto something new, but am soon overtaken by a wave of guilt as I realize we will be moving our babies far away from the grandparents they love so much. We buy a minivan. We find a small little apartment and turn it into our home. I start a crazy, healthy way of eating and loose 17 lbs. I feel better than ever before, even high school! My children eat all kinds of veggies and fruit --- like it is candy! This might well be one of the happiest pockets in our life. But, we are lonely and restless and want a home of our own. We want room for a bigger family.

Year 9 (2007): We sell our rental and buy another fixer upper. Our children love the space in this house. I love the potential the house and its yard have. I love the hardwood floor under the old yucky carpet. If we got "stuck" here, I feel like that would be ok. We start working on our home and our healthy eating habits go out the window. Eli is called to be the Elder's Quorum President. I start a playgroup. We make friends. That makes a world of difference to me. Life is good. We apply to adopt again.

Year 10 (2008): We refinish our hardwood floors. A friend helps put up a banister. Eli and I finish it together. It is so much fun I find myself having a natural high. We paint walls. We tile a bathroom floor and tub surround. Eli helps me build a raised garden. The twins are introduced to preschool for a couple months. I receive the Sunbeam teacher calling for 4 little girls, the "princesses." I love it. Eli continues to get raises. We love being a family. We complete our adoption paperwork. Eli and I continue to enjoy "our time" after the kids go to bed.

(Present): I get to teach my children in Sunbeams until I receive a new calling as the 2nd counselor in the primary. I become a teacher's aid in Payton and Alyssa's preschool as well as continue doing the layup for the community publication. Our children turn 4. I think this must be the most precious age of a child. Eli gets another raise. We begin remodeling the basement. I stop remodeling because a mom can only do so much. We spend time watching Heros and Lost together. I am living the future I use to dream of and I want to get it right. Because of Eli, I have it all.

Thank you Eli for these incredible 10 years of adventure and love! You are the best --- my kind of "perfect." Thank you for sticking with me! I'll love you forever.

Fun in the Tub

2009-08-08T23:31:00.000-06:00

Deadline Day

2009-08-03T21:52:00.000-06:00

When I heard, "Payton burned up Daddy's hay!" my heart stopped -- I did not run to grab my camera (I got that after spraying the hay down for an hour). Instead, I ran out the backdoor as fast as I could to make sure Payton wasn't in it. (He was hiding.)

I was cutting right into my newspaper deadline, trying to get it off to press before noon. Alyssa and Payton, to my relief, were outside playing. I had gone out to check on them and they were telling me how cozy warm in was inside the bales of hay. There were 4 bales, 2 were on the bottom about 1 1/2 feet apart and the other 2 laid across the top over the space, leaving just enough space for my 2 little kids. They wanted to have a fire to play like they were camping (I think they were remembering the Pioneer Trek we went on earlier this summer). I told them it would be fine to have a PRETEND fire. That wasn't good enough for Payton. Apparently, he knows where the matches are kept. He sneaked inside, climbed up on the kitchen counter and helped himself to a small box of matches from the very back corner of the cabinet, and went back outside. Meanwhile, I was hurriedly sending files via the internet as I received a couple phone calls. Alyssa came in and patiently waited for me to hang up before informing me that "Payton burned up Daddy's hay." Who knew Payton could even light a match!?!? I have thanked my Heavenly Father again and again that our children were not inside the hay when that match was lit.

Eli and I talked about fire dangers the rest of the day and also continuously expressed our gratitude that no one was hurt. My lesson: Get a babysitter on deadline day.

County Fair

2009-08-01T22:12:00.000-06:00

We made it back from summer vacation just in time for the County Fair.

We spent most of our time in the petting zoo. There were lots of goats. We bought feed for them, but, if you weren't paying attention they'd grab the cup right out of your hand and dump the whole cup full into their mouth.

Payton's climbs up everything these days. I am constantly telling him "come on down from there" or "that's not a jungle gym," which is kind of funny because I don't think he even knows what a jungle gym is. Do they have those on playgrounds anymore?

Brushing the cow seems to be much more fun than last year. Alyssa gave Payton all the instructions so that he would know what to do.

Inside, they had a giant kaleidoscope display. It was fun for maybe a minute. I was very disappointed that they didn't have more in there for kids to do. Last year they has several different play areas and both days we went they enjoyed playing in them. Oh well.

We did make it in time to milk the cow. I got pictures of both Payton and Alyssa but I couldn't get my camera to focus on Payton. I am having a few issues with my new camera. It does have some nice features, but it really lacks in the "point-and-shoot" department.

And finally, we ended with the best part of the whole event. The rides!

This year we stayed 1/2 a day and that was plenty of time. Last year we spent 2 evenings here. It seems like there was much more for little kids to do last year. But, still, we had fun and we'll do it again next year (on opening day the rides are only $1).