Aaaaaaaargh! I am frusterated! In fact, this week they have become so defiant that for the past 2 days they have even stopped flushing the toilets!
I expect my 6-year old twins to help with jobs around the house. They've had jobs since they were 3-years old and sometimes it can be a challenge for the 3 of us. I only ask them to do what they have shown me themselves they can do --- I take that as my cue to know what they are ready for.
It doesn't seem other mom's I know have chores for their young (6 and under) children. I need to know if I am totally out of line here or what I am doing so wrong, because I can't seem to make it work anymore and attempts are just getting worse. I don't know if I should scrap the whole thing and be the mother who does everything and expects nothing (my husband's ideal type of mother, but, not in my nature) or to press forward in my thinking that if I want my children to be capable, me, the mother, has to teach them. So, I give them jobs.
Their job list:
- MAKE BED (All they have to do is flip the covers back over, only trying to teach habit here, not perfection.)
- PERSONAL PRAYER (again, it's about habit, this is mostly a reminder and will be taken off the "job" chart when school starts again)
- GET DRESSED put pajamas in drawer
- WASH CLOTHES Once a week (Alyssa on Tuesday and Payton on Friday) they bring down their hamper and I help them load it into the washer. If it gets in early enough, they help me put it into the dryer before leaving for school. I fold or lay out most of it and leave it on their bed for them to put away when they get home.
- ZONE JOB These are once a month jobs spread out over the month. Each week we detail clean a section of our house. They each have 1 job a day in that area. This week we are in our bedrooms and today the job is to straighten up the clothes in their closets so they hang nicely.
After breakfast:
- Clean up TABLE SPACE (their own dishes into dishwasher and garbage into trash can)
- KITCHEN JOB --- Every morning the table needs wiped off and the floor needs swept. They take turns doing one or the other. I am not looking for perfection, just a 6-year old effort. (Besides picking up their toys, and making their bed (if you want to count those as jobs), I feel like this is the only real job I insist on every morning.) This is an attempt to teach them that being part of a family means helping with the household chores. We play "Beat the Timer" and I set it for 5 minutes.
- BRUSH TEETH (habit reminder that will come off the 'job' list soon)
- COMB HAIR (another habit reminder that will come off the 'job' list soon)
- WIPE OFF BATHROOM COUNTER (I want them to be aware of how much toothpaste they get on the counter --- again, not looking for perfection here.)
- PACK LUNCH (I didn't say 'make', I put it on the counter for them, in a few years they will get to make their own.)
- FEED PETS AND WATER PLANTS (together because we use the same water pitcher for both) I usually end up doing these, but, often, they want to help so I put it on their job list. I gently stress the importance of this job by saying things like, "The dogs must be thirsty/hungry, we better get them some water/food because we would sure hate to be hungry/thirsty all day. Until they learn the importance of the task, I make sure it is done every day. I am not willing to let the pets or plants go without if they won't do it.
- OR --- TAKE OUT COMPOST --- Last year they fought for their turn; the weather's just warming up enough again to put it back on their list. (I'm afraid it's going to become a struggle this time around. I can't help wondering if I should put it back on the list just because I know they can do it.)
That should be 10 minutes max. in their bedrooms. After breakfast, it's easily 20-30 minutes if they go at a good pace. I know it's too much time to keep them focused, so what do I cut out? At this point, I would like to snuggle on the couch and read to my kids until the bus comes; unfortunately, this almost never happens anymore. It makes me sad because this is what I most want to do before they are gone for the next 6 1/2 hours of the day.
Today, nothing got done except they put on clothes! (I have taken them to pre-school with their pajamas on before, so if they want to wear clothes, they know they had better get them on.) Often, I am trying to get food inside them while they are putting on their coats and I am stuffing their lunches into their backpacks while the bus is waiting. Part of the problem, there are no consistent consequences, if there are any at all. Sometimes they stay in their rooms until it gets clean or their wash gets put away. But, Payton will stay in his room all weekend (except to eat) and still not get it done, even if it means he has to miss out on fun activities. (He is more stubborn than me, and I am stubborn.) I hate doing it that way. So, I help them succeed, which usually means I do it all while they watch. It seems they learn to expect that. Then I get all crazy about them not doing any of their jobs! I hate being the mean mom. All I really want is for them to quickly get through their jobs so I can spend quality time with them. I hate asking and asking and asking for the same old things to be done EVERY day and then have the evening end without spending quality time with them. What do you do when they refuse to do what you ask? How do you teach them these things with love?
The worst of it was that while Alyssa put on her jacket, I pointed out that it was filthy. "Look at the orange stuff on it! And all the dirt on the front! Why do you put your jackets on the floor." As I quickly removed it, and replace it with a dirty coat (I just washed) I noticed food and sleep junk on her face and say, "You're face is dirty too. Why didn't you wash it?" I try to help her with her backpack and let out a sigh as she picks up the opposite arm that I need. "Oh, your hair!" I had tried to do it earlier, but it didn't happen. "You look like nobody takes care of you," and guiltily I wonder if I don't. She frowns and says, "People think I look funny when I don't comb my hair." Me, I say, "If it was important enough to you, you'd get it done." Isn't it important enough to me to help her get it done? She puts her head down and says she doesn't want to go to school. But I walk her out to the bus anyway. She pushes up against me. I pick her up and put her on the bottom step and nudge her forward. My poor baby. How can she stand the way I talk to her?!?!? I just can't stand myself sometimes. I feel so bad now that I sent her off to school feeling that way.
I have to admit Jobs is something I adjust alot. And I will be honest and say you have higher expectations than I do. But remember everyone is different and you have to adjust it to fit your family.
ReplyDeleteI'll tell you what works for us for now.
I don't require morning chores. I hate the pressure in the morning and I always end up yelling. I pick out their clothes and leave them out for them. I don't even require teeth brushing. I also brush their hair. I know they could do it, but I like doing these things for them. I kind of figure serving them helps them feel loved and I get mad often enough to worry about it.
But I have them clean up before bed. (Before dinner works well. With holding it until such and such is clean or their homework is done makes it go fast. But I hate with holding food for everything.) They also have to brush their teeth, prayers, get dressed. I never require making the bed because half the time they've wet it. (At least the girls.) And I don't make my own.
They have to take their plate in from dinner. And if at anytime I say to clean something up, they need to. Like if they mess up their room to the point that I can't walk in, they have to clean it.
But Saturday is a big day. They have to clean their room and some deep cleaning in it. They have to gather their clothes from around the house and I'll wash it. I like laundry and it relaxes me. I figure they can learn when they are older.
In the spring and summer they have to help in the garden and yard.
Chores increase in the summer because they make more mess.
I think I am the opposite end of the spectrum.
And it's hard to say how I would have handled the situation with Alyssa. Sometimes something drastic is needed to get their attention. I don't know if this is the millionth time you've said this to her. If it is, I think it was fine. Its no fun being a parent sometimes.
I hope this makes sense and helps. I have to go make dinner though....
I'm a firm believer in jobs and they do go through this I don't want to, but ya know what so do I, can't blame them but they are capable and by expecting responsibility you are raising self assured kids :) Way to go I think you are an amazing mom. My kids do zone clean up everynight before dinner we call it QPU! Some things I have them do just because thats what we do at our house but I let them earn privlages too. We are thinking about service and this week I started double points if you do someone elses chores, I don't know if they get the point but at least they are looking to help eachother.
ReplyDeleteCorrine, you know I love ya darling, and I totally support what parents decide to do for their own families, but I think you might be putting too much on them. It's hard to remember sometimes that our kids are just kids, only 5 and 6 year-olds. They may be able to do the chore but that doesn't mean that they are old enough to take on all that responsibility at one time. Just because they can doesn't mean they should. We got to give them time each day to be kids. There have been many times that I've realized I've expected too much out of Abbie, when she was just 2 or 3 or whatever age, but because she could talked so well so early I expected her to be doing and understanding more when really, she's still just so very young.
ReplyDeleteI think giving kids chores or jobs is a great way to teach them responsibility, cleanliness, and care for themselves and their things. But too many might end up just stressing them and seeming more like work than a learning situation.
I love milestones like dressing themselves and brushing their own teeth, feeding pets, or being able to giving them a new chore, but spreading out the overtime relieves some of the stress. Maybe prioritizing and taking some of the responsibility (pressures) off them in the morning and let them enjoy getting ready. Is it really important in the whole picture that they get all of this done before they go? Is it really that important that they pack their lunch. You've already taught them responsibility on so many other jobs. Are they really learning something new by doing that? Maybe step back and look at the chores that teach the same things and seem redundant and get rid of some. Or have them do them in the evening instead.
example: Have them get dressed (clean up pajamas), make their beds, brush teeth and hair, clean-up their plates and table, feed the pets and walk out the door in the morning. Wiping off bathroom counter, sweeping, and packing lunch are quick things you can do and responsibilities you can give them in a couple of years when getting them out the door gets easier. Laundry can be done after they get back from school and you have more time to make it a fun family chore then as well. This way you have time to check them before they walk out the door without getting mad. So many chores around the house that doesn't help them get out the door will just frustrate and stress everyone needlessly. Just evaluate which ones you can do that don't really necessarily need to be done by them cause they are already learning that lesson in another chore. And remember they are kids!
Like I said, I don't try to intervene on other people's parenting, but you sounded so stressed and maybe easing up on some of these chores will release some of the tension and stress that it sounds like all of you are feeling. Good luck my friend!
I have no answers. I still struggle with the chore thing. Some of my kids are good about it and some of them whine so much it's like fingernails on a chalkboard - it gets to the point I'd rather do it myself.
ReplyDeleteYou're the mom - and a very good one at that. We each do things a little differently and you'll figure this one out.