Our Adoption Story - Part 2 - Waiting

Part One - Infertility

Instead of pursuing adoption, I start taking fertility drugs, beginning with the AWFUL, HORRIBLE Clomid (Clomiphene Citrate). My hormones are not use to being messed around with and I am already emotional. I feel C-R-A-Z-Y ! Everything that bothers me seems ten times worse --- I don't keep it to myself either.

One evening, Eli and I have a serious talk about a multiple pregnancy. What if I get pregnant with four, five or six babies? That's not likely on Clomid, but it does increase the possibility of twins. Eli's concern is intense. But, I can not image being forced to decide which of my babies will live or die. What if they have serious health complications? What if, what if, what if... I just want to hope for the best. What if it's me with the serious complication? I'm sure I would risk it, but that's when I realize Eli's concern is for my well-being, once I understand that, I am emotionally touched and feel a deeper love for him grow within me, but still, I can only hope for the best.

We put off doing another round of Clomid. The next time through it Mr. 2Good2B-True is golden. It's Valentine's and he celebrates it all week. We eat out a lot so I don't have to cook and clean. He buys me a dozen red roses and a chocolate rose. He'd meets me for lunch! In the evenings, we relax next to a cozy fireplace and watch movies with 3 dogs at our feet. It feels like date night every night, almost like when we were dating --- but, so much better! Just remembering this time spent together fills me with love for him.

Eventually, when Eli's ready, too, I go back to LDS Family Services and pick up a new packet of adoption paperwork. This time we fill it out together: ethnicity, doesn't matter, each is God's child; male or female, doesn't matter either. We pause for a moment on "single" or "multiple." We had to pay more for multiples so Mr. Bread-Winner decides we'd better check the "single" box. Feeling panic overcome me for limiting our choices, I question, "If for some strange reason we are given the opportunity to adopt twins, we wouldn't say no, would we?" He agrees that we wouldn't. Instant relief. Next came a forever long list of medical issues. Mostly, we just want "healthy." As awkward as it sounds, we consider choosing our baby's health as one of the perks to adopting.

Background checks, fingerprints, financial status, employment, references, health care... you name it, we fill out a form for it. Some things must be notarized. Other things paid for with money orders. But, the hardest part is the letter we write to the birth mother. This is really important because it goes into a book with several other letters written by hopeful adopters. It has to catch her attention and touch her heart --- then, maybe, if we're really lucky, she'll choose us. We write and rewrite it, but it doesn't get any better, or more exciting. It is still about a couple, overly focused on starting a family and taking life much too seriously.


2001

Almost a year later Eli and I complete our paperwork and begin the endless waiting. In the meantime, I research PCOS. I read books about adoption. I work a lot. We remodel our home. I dream of rocking my baby and hearing their laughter in this home. I want it to be ready when our opportunity comes. But the only opportunities to have children in our home is when Eli's sister brings hers over for me to watch. This is the best type of therapy. Sometimes I even get to have them over to decorate our Christmas tree and bake cookies. My love for her kids just keeps on growing. I wonder why my friends never let me watch their kids. I finally assume that parents don't feel comfortable leaving their kids with friends that don't have kids of their own. That is hard for me.

I cry a lot. Not all the time. At random times. At church. At family Christmas parties. Mostly at night when Eli is with me. I know he tires of it, but he hangs in there. He never blames me for any of it. He doesn't have too. His mom is ruthless though. She's convinced I'll get pregnant and isn't afraid to say so. I hate it.

I take so many pregnancy tests that one time I forget about one I had set up on the tank. Eli finds it awhile later. It's POSSITIVE! I tell myself, and then him, that it must be wrong because it was sitting for so long. But I am physically SHAKING! It is Sunday --- but I just HAVE to go to the store for another test. This one is negative. I drink a big glass of water and go back to the store for another test. This time I buy a two-in-a-box. Still negative and now I am crying --- again! Every "not pregnant" puts me in a depressed mood, but this time I hit bottom. I HATE pregnancy tests! I've peed on enough sticks that the next time Eli suggests I take one, I retort that I'd rather pee on a 10 dollar bill and throw that away than see another "not pregnant" result.

That doctor that diagnosed me so quickly, the one I like, she moves away. I begin seeing other doctors, but they all want to start somewhere new. One says I don't have PCOS because I'm not fat enough. She has an x-ray done on my tubes. They are fine. One says I don't look like I have PCOS, that those ladies can be picked out from a crowd, but he does an ultrasound and confirms that I do --- he makes me feels so stupid and I leave his office in tears. I never go back to see him. One suggests an herb store. We go there. They all suggest either Clomid or birth control. I have better luck finding information on the internet --- but all that reading and knowledge doesn't make me fertile.

Part 3 - A New Goal