Our Adoption Story - Part 11 - His Will

Today was an exciting morning for the kids. They found leprechaun footprints across the living room rug! I encouraged the kids to hurry and get ready for school so we could start looking for the treasure that he surely left somewhere in the house. The rule in our house is that you have to be dressed and have your bed made before you can get on the bus --- otherwise we get to walk. (I like walking with them.) Alyssa's room was a disaster! I helped her as much as I could while I also dressed Payton, showered myself, prepared breakfast and had individual morning prayer with each. In the meantime --- Payton wouldn't get his few items in his room put away because he kept searching for treasure. "There's no gold downstairs!" Arrrgh! (Ok, I'll admit, that was really funny!) So, although the kids got their stuff done, it was just as the bus pulled up. Oh, well. I guess we'll try the hunt when they get home. So, now I'm off to the store to find corned-beef and cabbage for tonight's Irish meal. (Maybe I'll pick up some green Jell-O, too.)

I also decided to put this post up early today because I didn't get it up yesterday. But, it works out better this way (it's more the time frame that things really happened six years ago.) Tomorrow's post will finish Our Adoption Story.

Part 1 - Infertility
Part 2 - Waiting
Part 3 - A New Goal
Part 4 - Comfort
Part 5 - Chosen
Part 6 - Charlotte
Part 7 - Expecting
Part 8 - Shopping
Part 9 - Birthday 
Part 10 - Hospital


March 16 and 17, 2005 (The two days that blended together.)

Arising early to go back to my babies, we are interrupted by the adoption agency's call. They asks us to meet them in their office. We drive there, but, somehow we end up talking to them in the parking lot with our ears both on my cell. They say, "One of you needs to have steady employment." I remind them about the income from our rental and assure them that we both have work. Eli works part-time doing work-study at the college. I can work part-time from home. We have separate money saved for the adoption. (We even got a small loan as a financial cushion --- for just-in-case.) They say, "It has to be a full-time job." They say, "The babies need medical insurance." I tell them about my visits to the Medicare office and the result. They tell us, "The babies can't leave the hospital without being insured." They tell us that we need to be insured. They ask if one of us can get a full-time job. My last job had asked me a few times to become a full-time employer. I was sure I could get hired back on full-time. Eli didn't want to start our family with me working and him at school. He feels very strongly about not bringing our babies home to a babysitter. We should be home with them. I agree, but, me working won't be permanent. Even if I did go to work, we'd still have the "insurance" problem. They say that if we, now, filled out an application for adoption with them, we wouldn't even qualify. I understood that everything had been updated and was in order! But, they have their rules. What about God's rules? He's the one in charge! We are so frustrated. I am physically upset. Every solution only brings another problem. They will NOT work with us. They can't work with us.

Finally, understanding comes --- they have no intention of letting us take the babies home. We hang up and pull into the parking lot behind their office. Oh, the excruciating PAIN inside my chest! The deep darkness swallowing me again. We cry like we have never cried before. I feel myself detaching from reality. After a while, we begin our long and painful drive home. We LEAVE OUR BABIES! I weekly remind myself that I don't want to miss my little brother's wedding. I need a new goal to focus on right now and it was to get there. It's a pitiful goal, because all I can think about is how we are turning our backs on the most incredible opportunity. I STILL WANT TO FIGHT! How am I going to put the pieces of my life (work, school, just living) back together again when I get home? I have no desire to move on. I feel so heavy.

But, what can I do? I plead in a silent prayer. I can't fight for them on my own. Eli has to want to fight, too. I had been so sure we would bring them home. Why? What was that whisper for? Must we try again? I think Eli's emotionally spent, he's done trying. But, I would try again... and again, and again! Just not now. All I can do now is put it in the Lord's hands. And suddenly I truly understand the significance of these words. We have done all we can do, if it is His will, He will help us with the rest! Surely, if they are meant to be ours, only HE can make it happen. Thy will be done --- not mine! I believe this. I know HE can make it happen if this is what should happen --- despite the reality of our situation. But, He might not.... Still, I take comfort knowing that it is God who is in charge, after all. Please, just let those babies go where You want them to be, where they will be deeply loved and cherished and brought up right.

Through tears, Eli says he's sorry. For what!?!? He says it's his fault because he didn't take school serious enough when we first got married and he kept dropping out of his classes and it brought us to the point of not bringing home the babies. But, he is going to school NOW! And there are 3 big companies wanting to hire him when he graduates in 4 weeks! No, it isn't his fault! From time to time we have to pull over because the tears get too heavy to see through. We cry until we can move on again.

___________________________

Entering the house, I see a large vase of white roses. Those were meant for a new mother and the reality that I am not a new mother hurts. I am trying, trying so hard, to hold the tears back. Through water-filled eyes, I sight the postcard that announces my acceptance into the nursing program. Today is the last day to accept my spot. I should get on that. But, I can't. I go to my room and cry instead.

Eli and I both request a priesthood blessing to get through this. Our bishop, who also has been doing all he can do to help the adoption go through, comes over. He and Eli's dad give Eli a priesthood blessing. He is counseled to not give up without exploring every option. That, and hoping Eli will heed that counsel is all I remember. The bishop keeps telling us, "There is Headquarter's way and then there's the Lord's way." I couldn't agree more --- those have been my thoughts exactly. My sister calls and suggests I go back to work full-time and take maternity leave. It might work... I don't understand "maternity leave" rules exactly, but I could find out. Eli's mom has been working with a cousin to see what he can do for us about catastrophic insurance. We schedule to meet with him in the morning.

We set up a plan-of-action for the next morning. I don't remember the exact order anymore, but it goes something like: Sign paperwork for Medicare for babies (thanks to my mother-in-law and the man in charge there). Sign paperwork for catastrophic insurance for us (thanks again to my mother-in-law). See about getting a full-time job with maternity leave (thanks to my sister's inspiration). We'll go back into town one more time if necessary. If we still aren't getting anywhere, we have to let go. We'll miss my brother's wedding, but I'll regret not doing everything possible to bring my babies home.

Charlotte had planned on a natural birth. Because baby girl didn't turn, she had had a c-section. Because of that, she had 4 days in the hospital to recover. So, the babies had 4 days in the hospital as well. That bought us time. (Another miracle?) Tomorrow, however, that time will be up.


Part 12 - Miracles