Stuck Up

Once my sister told me that her friend told me that her sister (who I shared a high school class with) told her that I was stuck-up. Stuck-up?!? That alarmed me. I did not see myself like that at all! I LOVE people --- thoroughly love people and discovering what makes one unique. Yet, people intimidate me --- so much so that I can't mentally function sometimes. My mind goes blank. Black. Empty. I want to disappear when the spotlight turns on me. Call it shy, if you will, but "Stuck-up"!?!?!?

If "Stuck Up?" means "feelings are 'stuck up' inside," then, yes, that describes me. But, as for feeling superior to you, just know, I am most likely seeing you with admiration and I haven't figured how to let you know.

Sunday "Anxious Me" automatically set in when I was asked to set up and present a meeting.

I wanted to make sure I did not stray from the church handbook on nursery structure and emphasize what we hoped for for this new year in the nursery. I discovered items I should have been on top of but have been slacking because I never read the information myself. I spent a good part of 2 days putting together a short outline about why we would like a small lesson given in our ward nursery each week. I love the sister called as the nursery leader and did not want to hurt her feelings the slightest bit even though I also felt strongly that lessons should be given and the Spirit should be felt by the children --- she doesn't feel that way.

As I finished my preparations, I contemplated how to begin the meeting (because, if I didn't, I was afraid I would freeze up and come across as being ill-prepared and stupid) I realized all attending are people I love and mean a great deal to me. I began to consider why:

When Eli and I moved our small family here the now nursery leader was the first to introduce herself to us. She gave us a store bought cake and a signed card when she stopped by. The cake tasted awful and had to be thrown out, the gesture, however, was greatly appreciated. Since then we have become really good friends and we share a number of interests that we love to share information on. We sometimes joke about how I bake her bread and bring over my newly discovered and tried healthy recipes for her to sample and in exchange she dumps a pile of llama ___ "stuff" out behind our fence (for my garden). She is who we have called for years now to take care of our home and animals when we are away. She is always happy to do it and does a great job too. She is always helping us out. She is a great example of service and is a hard worker. She is generous with her compliments. She's kind of motherly to us too and I like it. She loves our kids. She makes me feel good.

The primary assistant's voice (also the stake primary president) radiates happiness. Her stories are amusing, her laughter, sunshine. We share a few things in common, like adoption and PCOS. Although, we don't sit down and have long, in depth talks together, she notices me. That's enough for me. I love this lady. I love her children too. When I taught Sunbeams (four beautiful little princesses) her youngest was one of them. Her husband (also a primary assistant) would be at the meeting too. He is our home teacher. He's very quiet so harder to get to know. But, I have discovered he is full of kindness.

The primary president, I love this lady and didn't want the meeting to let her down. She can talk a lot, but, I enjoy every minute of it. The way she has taken to my children reminds me of my mother-in-law. She adores them and she thinks Eli and I do a great job as parents. I don't know how to express how truly I appreciate that. Her whole family has been amazing to us. Her husband has spent countless hours sharing his talents and skills on our home remodel and all he would take from us was a couple banana cream pies. I wish I knew something I could do to repay him, but instead, we asked their daughter to babysit and their son to house sit... I worry about taking so much. There has to be some way to serve them!

How would you express all that? (and don't be mushy!)

More expressionless emotions: I shared a year of similar trying experiences with another young mom and grew to love her. One day she announces her intentions to move away. I freeze inside. I feel the tears but they are not visible until I get home. I learn nothing because yet again, another dear, dear friend I have come to know and adore tells me she's moving. Huge tears pour behind my eyes but again never wet my cheeks until I find myself alone. A friend's husband dies and I feel my own heart will break for her, but all I can do is gather enough courage to wrap my arms lightly around her, still my eyes remain dry. Another friend steals money from my family and all I want to do is forgive her and help her sorrow go away by talking about it, but my voice fails me, it sounds so insincere. My BEST-friend in junior high is dying and I cannot give her comfort. A selfless angel places her two precious babies in Eli's and my arms as she tells them good-bye. So many emotions all at once that, try as I might, I cannot even begin to form words in my mind. Her tears fall but I cannot express, I cannot speak, I finally turn and leave her without a word.

"Stuck up?"

If I could share these feelings, would people like me better? Would it take away my "stuck up"ness, or, is it a different part of my personality that says "stuck up"?

Now that I have children, I make an incredible effort to open my mouth more. Even if I say stupid things, I have to start somewhere or I'll never learn... It is my responsibility to teach them social skills (of which I blamed my parents for not teaching me --- yet, I no longer hold it over them). So, I talk --- sometimes it comes out all wrong! I insult those I want most to be my friends, it seems I don't even know I do it. I want to share happy experiences/stories... but from my lips I hear bragging and wince inside. I try to share my struggles but it comes out as poor me and I mentally kick myself. I try to share information I have learned and am excited about... I'm finally beginning to see that this almost always comes out like I'm judging them. Listening is really what I do best. I was ok with that, but, now I want a VOICE too, and that seems to be when I do damage. Expressed thoughts become an invitation for me to discuss my similar and/or differing opinions, but I'm beginning to see that people seem to think that I'm saying they're wrong when I don't agree. I'm not! (I need to learn a new approach!)

As for the meeting, once again I said NOTHING. No intro, no gratitude for their service, no welcome. Nothing. I do this all the time and I hate myself for it. I want to express genuine love and gratitude... but these are so intense that when I try, it comes out --- LAME. So, I don't. I went through my prepared material quickly. I did remember to stop for input a few times. I felt it went well enough coming from me. But it sounds like I went a little further that she had asked. I don't know if that is good or bad, she said it was great, but I wish I had taken an even more casual approach. I wish I had done it differently, like someone else would have. But what's done is done now and they will judge me as they will.

As you will.